Green Eyed Monster
by demondreaming
Summary: Jade will do anything to get Beck back. Do anything to make him jealous. And what better way than by using adorable little Cat as bait? Rated M for language and femmeslash. Jade/Cat. Victorious Awards - Best Romance: Cat/Jade!
1. The Plan

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Certainly not Victorious.**

**A/N: Wow, I'm actually doing something that isn't Cam. It's a big step for me. Characters may be OOC, or exaggerated... but they're not that established yet, so give me room to move with them.**

I was only ever trying to make Beck jealous. Keep that in mind. I mean, I couldn't bear seeing him with that stupid slut Tori so soon after we broke up. I didn't think he had the balls, to be honest. But if he was going to date her, then I was going to show him what he was missing. I was going to make _him_ jealous. Because Jade West doesn't crawl. People crawl to her.

It was Tori's fault. She doesn't belong here. Sure she can sing, but she's like a drunken gazelle when she moves. A klutz. And she had to tempt Beck, by being all sweet and nice to him. I may have overreacted, dumping him, but I thought he'd come crawling back for sure. But he'll realise soon enough what a fool he is. He belongs with me. He's _mine_.

I know seeing me with someone else will kill him. But who? I know Sinjin's always had a thing for me, but he couldn't make a wet mop jealous. I need someone weak, someone easily persuaded. But someone hot. Sure, it wasn't a nice thing to do, but I'm not nice.

I ran to the bathroom after I saw them walking down the hall together, holding hands. As much as I want to cry, I can't. Not in school. My eyeliner runs too much. I didn't even know anyone noticed that I ran off. Usually people avoid me when I glare at them like that. But Cat was always different. And it was like a lightbulb going off in my head when she walked into the bathroom, looking for me. I could use her. She was sweet and naive. Perfect. I could fool her so easily. And it would drive Beck crazy to see me with a girl, I knew it.

"Jade... are you okay?" She came up to me slowly, tentatively. She wasn't stupid.

I chewed my lip, my idea swirling around in my head. I knew it would work. Cat was so easy to manipulate. "Because I saw Tori with Beck... and then you ran off... and- and I thought you might be upset."

I felt another surge of jealousy run through me. I took a step towards Cat. She looked around uncertainly. "I'm okay Cat." I force a smile, but that just seems to scare her more. I let it drop. "No. I'm not okay." I try to look as miserable as I can. It's surprisingly easy. It seems to work, as Cat comes closer.

"Aww, Jade... don't cry."

It takes all I have not to snap at her. I _don't_ cry. Well... I do, but only when I choose to. I sniff a little bit instead, wiping an eye. And then Cat's wrapping her warm arms around me, and holding me like I'm fragile. My heart beats faster. I have to get him back. This'll work. It has to. I move my arms around her, and she looks up at me, her red hair shining so brightly under the fluorescents. She's so fucking innocent. Someone like her is just asking to be corrupted. She shouldn't be so tempting. I move a hand to her face, tilting her chin up. "Jade?"

I smile, because she's so clueless. It doesn't faze me that she's a girl. Labels are for idiots who need to define everything. Although I am fazed by the depth of her stupidity. She's just standing there, not even realising what I'm about to do, just watching me, waiting. I move my face to hers, and I touch my lips to hers softly, so softly. I hear her breath gasp in, and press my lips against her harder, making her kiss me. Her lips are tentative at first, but she starts to respond, her little body trembling against me. It's probably the first real kiss she's ever had. But she's not bad. She's actually a pretty good kisser. But too soft and sweet. I swear, she actually tastes like candy. But it's not as unpleasant as I thought it'd be. It's actually kind of nice. Good. It should make it easier.

Our lips part with a soft sound, and she's breathing out through her mouth, her hot breath feathering my face. "J-jade?" Her voice is all soft and sweet and confused. I cup my hand against her cheek and she shivers, leaning into it slightly.

"Do you wanna be my girlfriend Cat?" I don't have the time, or the inclination to be coy. I'm blunt. It's who I am.

"Y-you like me?" This was even easier than I thought it would be. Her voice is so hopeful, like she can't believe anyone would like her. I study her for a moment. She's more fucked up than I gave her credit for.

"Yeah. You're cute." I don't know how she's even believing me. My voice is flat, emotionless, but then I guess it always is. "And... sweet."

She looks down, and I have to squint, but I think she's actually blushing. "That's so nice!" She gushes. I lift her head again and kiss her. Anything to shut her up. She meets me more eagerly this time, and I was right, she does taste like candy. The bell does it's weird chime thingy and she jumps, squeaking. I suppress the urge to roll my eyes and take her hand.

"Let's go get some lunch."

Her eyes light up, and I swear she'd be clapping her hands together if I wasn't holding one. "Yay! Lunch!"

Ugh. She's so cheerful. It sickens me. I smile smugly as we walk out of the bathroom, Cat's hand warm and smooth in mine. This is gonna kill Beck. I know it. And then he'll beg me to take him back. I glance over at Cat, who's chattering away about something. Sure, it'll probably hurt her, but she'll bounce back. The girl's a paradigm of optimism. And she'll learn a valuable lesson. Never trust anyone.

**A/N: Please please please review. And you'll get more chapters quicksmart. Anyone who's read my stories knows I don't lie. Well... not intentionally, but trust me. I will update if you review. It's a promise, and a threat. *brandishes fist*.**

**I'm sorry. I have an anger problem. Apparently.**

**Review! (And if you followed me here from my Cam stories, thankyou. Thankyou very much. I'm mind-hugging you so hard right now.)**


	2. Skipping

**Disclaimer: Victorious is not mine. Nor shall it ever be mine.**

**A/N: I keep my promises, see? Thanks soooo much for the reviews. You probably know how much it means, but still, I'll say thanks anyway. 'Cause I'm not ungrateful.**

**I forgot to mention in the first chapter, you sort of have to read in between the lines a lot. (In this) Jade thinks she's a lot tougher than she is. I also feel like she's coming off as super mean, which is where the interpretation comes in. It's a defence mechanism for her (in this). I mean... it'll come into play more later, but I'm just sort of worried she's coming off as a **_**total**_** bitch.**

I know I'm not a likeable person. That's the way I like it. And so yeah, I know what I'm doing is wrong. I'm not an idiot. But I figure, if Cat's dumb enough to fall for it, she deserves it. No one should be that naive.

I watch her as we walk outside to our table. She's been chattering nonstop the whole way here. I'm not sure about what exactly. Puppies and butterflies probably. I don't get her. I get most people, their motivations, their passions. Their weaknesses. But her... I don't know. She's either ridiculously complicated or ridiculously simple. I don't care enough to find out.

But enough. We're at the table, and it's showtime. I feel a pulse of anger when I see Beck cosying up to Tori. Cheating bastard! Okay, so we weren't technically together anymore, but still. I smile at Cat and she grins back, silenced. I'd have to remember that. The table's gone quiet, Andre, Robbie and Tori staring at us, Beck with suspicion in his eyes. I'd trained that boy well. We squeeze in between Andre and Robbie, opposite Tori and Beck. I keep my hand holding Cat's. Her hand is soft and warm, not all sweaty and tough like Beck's get. She's like a baby bird. I feel like I could snap her so easily.

Robbie chews his lip, looking between us. "Um... Cat... why are you holding Jade's hand?"

"Yeah, what's going on here?" Pipes in Rex. God I hate that puppet.

Cat looks at our joined hands for a second. "Oh. We're dating." She says it exuberantly. I can't fathom that girl's stupidity. It's like she doesn't even realise that people don't feel exactly the way she feels, that some people might not like it.

"For real?" Says Andre. I think I could almost like him if he wasn't friends with Tori. Too bad.

"Yeah. Deal with it." I smirk, grabbing Cat's face roughly and turning her towards me. I kiss her hard, possessively, and she squeaks, surprised, but doesn't pull away. I hear a clatter of forks, which is odd, because nobody was using a fork that I could see, but it had the desired effect. I pull away, Cat's lips swollen and her eyes dreamy and I smirk at Beck.

"Jade, can I talk to you? Now."

This was working even better than I thought it would. I smile tightly at Tori, gloating, and let Cat's hand go. She's blissfully unaware of what's going on, focussed on her lunch. I look back as Beck steers me away, and she's touching her lips lightly, smiling.

"What are you doing?" I look back to Beck, shaking his hand off my arm.

"What do you mean?" I say innocently.

He sighs. "You know what I mean. Why are you doing this to Cat?"

"Doing what? Going out with her? She's sweet."

Beck stares at me. "I know. You hate sweet." He runs a hand through his hair, exasperated. "Look, I know you're upset about us, but you don't have to hurt Cat."

I feel this tight ball of anger expand inside me. "I don't know what you're talking about. Look, you've moved on with Tori, and I've moved on with Cat." My voice comes out bitter.

Beck grabs my shoulders. "You're not even gay Jade!"

I shrug him off angrily, "Yeah, well maybe you've put me off men."

"That's bullshit." He says quietly, folding his arms.

"Look, if you're that jealous-"

"I'm not jealous. I just don't want to see Cat get hurt because you're upset. It's not fair Jade."

I smile tightly. "Life isn't fair Beck."

He looks at me like he doesn't know me. Which is stupid, because he knows this is exactly the sort of thing I'd do. "Whatever. Let's just go back to lunch." He shakes his head and walks away, and I follow after a moment, a hint of a smile tugging at my lips.

Cat looks up at me as I slip in beside her, her eyes lighting up. I force a smile, taking her hand. I keep my eyes on Beck all lunch, leaning into Cat whenever he looks over at us. At least she's easy to train. She doesn't seem to mind anything I do to her. I can feel Beck's eyes on us as the bell chimes, and I tug Cat back to me, stopping her from going into the school. I pull her close to me, whispering into her ear, my eyes on Beck as he hesitates, Tori yanking him forward impatiently.

"Really? Won't we get in trouble if we skip?" He follows Tori reluctantly, and I turn my gaze back to Cat.

"Oh come on. Be bad, Cat." I flick my eyebrows up at her. Beck is definitely gonna notice we're not in class.

She shifts on her feet uneasily. "I don't know..."

I fight back a groan of exasperation. "We'll get candy..." I say teasingly.

She's like a child, the way her face lights up. "Yay! You're so nice Jade!" She leans up and kisses me lightly, and it catches me by surprise. I blink a few times, trying to regain my composure.

"Uh, let's go to my car." I tug on her hand, walking towards the carpark. I try to ignore the fact that's Cat's literally bouncing alongside me, jerking on my hand. I feel like an idiot, like we're night and day, side by side. But it's working. I saw how Beck looked at me. And if he thinks I'm really with her... he'll drop Tori like a bad habit.

At least I'm not in school. It'd be better if Cat wasn't here, but it sort of defeats the purpose. If it she ever shuts up, it should be alright. She's pretty enough to look at, at least. She's like a frickin' dolphin, chattering on and on. I don't even know what she's talking about. I don't even think she knows. But her voice is like the ocean. It's easy enough to drown out. That's the good thing about going to a school like Hollywood Arts. People's voices are mostly nice and musical, and you can ignore them. They don't grate into your ears. She has so much damn emotion in her voice though. I stop in front of my car, shushing her. "Look, if you're good and quiet, I'll get you whatever candy you want, okay?"

She nods eagerly. "That's what my Dad says!"

I raise an eyebrow. "You've got a smart Dad."

She smiles and pinches her index finger and thumb together, running it across her lips like a zipper. I climb into the car, relishing the silence. Maybe this won't be so bad after all.

**A/N: Okay! Now I'm a man (lady) of my word, so if you review, I'll update. Quid pro quo Clarice, quid pro quo.**

**Heh. Creepy. Anyhow, next chapter is a doozie, so put your reviewing... face? Hands? I don't know -_- Put something on.**

**And review.**


	3. The Park

**Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious. Wish I owned Ariana Grande though. She's freaking **_**adorable**_**. Not that women are property. She makes me wish they were though. And **_**I'm **_**a lady.**

**A/N: Um. I think I said too much in the disclaimer. I get sidetracked ^-^**

**But, I really like this chapter. And I hope you do too. I'm trying to keep things slow, but damn... I want them to be together so bad. So we'll see how long I hold out. Oh, btw, this thing's going to become M. Around chapter 5, so... look forward to that.**

"Mmm, this is _really_ good Jade!" Cat gushed, popping another piece of candy into her mouth. I nodded absently, picking at my nails. At least she was easy to please. I took her to a park I like. It's quiet, and most of the plants are dead, so no annoying kids. Too much green hurts my eyes. We sit on a picnic table, my back resting against the table part, Cat's legs on either side of the seat so she can face me.

I take a piece of the candy, some blue drop thing, I think, and suck on it. I think it's blueberry, well, what passes for blueberry in candy. "Ooo, show me your tongue!"

I roll my eyes, acquiescing, and Cat squeals. "It's blue!"

I snort, "Of course it is!"

She sticks her tongue at me. "'at 'olour's 'ine?"

I have to admit, even though she's extremely annoying, she is kind of adorable. "Red."

She grins. "Let's make purple!" Cat leans forward, kissing me quickly, and I freeze. It still feels weird - I'm so used to Beck's lips, and Cat's are so soft and full. It's like kissing a marshmallow. In texture and in taste. Cat pulls back. "Sorry... was it gross? Do you not like purple?"

I shake my head. "No... you just... caught me by surprise."

Cat smiles uncertainly. "You're sure?"

I nod, drawing her face to me. I know it wasn't exactly part of the plan... kissing her when Beck isn't around, but I figure what's the harm? I might not like being around her, but I like kissing her.

Although to be fair, I've never hated Cat. Doesn't mean I like her... just that I don't hate her. Maybe it's because I can't figure her out. She's so sensitive, and childlike... and yet sometimes... it's like there's something darker underneath. That's why I don't give her as much of a hard time as some people... I know she wouldn't be able to take it. I mean, come on, I'm not evil. I'm just mean.

I saw her in a play last year. I don't really remember much of it, but I remember her in it. She played this girl who tries to kill herself, and totally fucks her life up. I remember because she was so good. Too good. I told her that, and she just looked at me before smiling and thanking me. It seemed sort of suspicious to me. Cat doesn't understand a lot of things, and she's not afraid to ask, even though it makes her look stupid. But she didn't ask me what I meant by that.

So Cat's perfect. For my purposes, I mean. She's easy to manipulate, and she doesn't make me sick. And it helps that she's a good kisser. She just throws herself into it completely. It's sort of overwhelming, and it's so different from Beck. I'm reminded of this when my hands move to her waist, and it's slim, womanly curves I'm tracing instead of hard muscle. She smiles into the kiss, and it takes me by surprise. People don't smile when you kiss them. People shouldn't do that... Beck didn't do that. It's Cat who breaks the kiss, pulling back with a little smile on her face. She nods, satisfied, tracing a finger over my lips. "Mm. Purple."

I'm surprised to find I'm slightly turned on. An unexpected side effect of the plan. Pleasant, but unexpected. I look back out to the park, Cat still gasping over each piece of candy, and I cross my legs, jogging my foot impatiently. I sneak a glance at my phone, checking the time. Cat falls silent, and I look over. She licks her lips, her tongue a rainbow. "It's... it's nice here."

I nod, surveying the park. I always thought the dead trees gave it a stark sort of beauty. "Yeah. It's peaceful."

"It's sad that the trees are dead. Do you think it hurt them? When they died, I mean." I glance at her, and her face is serious, her eyebrows furrowed as she studies the trees, twirling a strand of ruby hair around her finger. "Was it... quick? Did they know they were dying?"

I snap my fingers in front of her face. "Cat, hey Cat! Come on," She blinks a few times.

"Sorry." Her hand strays to the empty bag, and she scrabbles for a moment. "Aw. All gone." She pouts, and I frown at her for a moment. Where did she go just then? Wherever it was, it was dark. It was... like me, almost.

"What's with you Cat?" If I'm going to pretend to date her, I need to know she isn't gonna freak out on me randomly. Plus... I'm actually kind of curious. Not that I'd admit it.

"What's that supposed to mean?" She blurts, her eyes shiny with tears, and I'm taken aback. The girl's insane. She's high one minute and down the next. This is why I don't make fun of her as much. Because people _always_ take the side of the crying girl. She can't seem to realise what's a joke and what's not.

"Cat... I just meant you're... never mind." I huff, exasperated. I can't stand tears. They're weak. People just use them to manipulate you, to make you feel sorry for them. But I'm not sure about Cat's... in fact, I'm not sure about Cat in general. What does she want? Everybody wants something from someone else, but I can't figure out what it is with her. Screw it, I don't care enough to get bogged down in her motivations.

She gasps, pointing excitedly. "Oh look! A squirrel!" She giggles, bouncing up and down and shaking the seat.

"Hey! Don't do that! You'll get a splinter." I growl, uncrossing my legs.

"Oh... but Jade look! He's so- ow." She freezes. "Ow... owwie!" I sigh heavily. I could've told her that short shorts and splintery benches don't match, but I made the mistake of thinking she wasn't an idiot.

"Come on. Turn around." I stand up wearily as she braces herself on the table, standing. I hunker down near her thighs, running my fingers along the tan flesh.

"Jade... why are you being so nice?"

I grunt, still searching for the splinter. She has really nice thighs. All smooth and firm. "What do you mean?"

She flinches as I find the splinter, buried shallowly in the back of her thigh. It isn't deep, but it's nearly all the way under. It's gonna be hard to get a grip on. "I-I mean... if Tori got a splinter you'd be laughing."

I grin fiercely at the image, studying the shard of wood. "Yeah, well... I don't hate you." I get a grip on the splinter, pinching it between my nails. I draw it out quickly, and Cat twitches, but it's done. I give her a comforting pat on the leg before standing again. "Got it."

"Can I see it?"

I take her hand, dropping the splinter into it. She frowns, wagging a finger at it. "Bad splinter. Don't hurt people! Why would you do that?" She tosses it away before turning to me. This is what I mean... she's like a child... but now her face is all coy and serious, and she looks the opposite of a baby. "I like it when you say that."

"Say what?"

Her mouth twists and she looks at the ground. "That you don't hate me."

She is some kind of fucked up to be getting comfort from that. But I guess coming from me, it's pretty high praise. Still though, it's not right. It's times like this most people would get all mushy and comforting. But that's not how I work. Mush and me do not mix. So I settle for putting a hand on her shoulder. It seems to be enough, and she smiles, moving to kiss me lightly. She lets out a little sigh after, resting her forehead against mine, and her breath is sweet on my face. "I like this too."

At least that's something we can both agree on, even if it might be for different reasons. I kiss her again, harder, and I hear her take a sharp breath. Her taste... it's almost addictive. It's teasing and sweet... and I don't know if it's entirely the candy. I run my tongue along her lips and she gasps, pressing into me. I use the opportunity to satisfy my curiosity, sliding my tongue into her mouth. The taste is stronger, and I touch her tongue lightly. It's not just the candy, I think... it's her. I pull back, satisfied, and I have to smirk at the dreamy look on her face. "I _really_ like that." She murmurs, grinning at me. My smirk gets a little wider.

I pull out my phone, checking the time. "We should go. If we wanna make it for Sikowitz's class."

"'Kay 'kay."

She skips after me and I groan internally. Why can't that girl ever walk anywhere?

**A/N: Yay! Sikowitz! But aren't they cute, you know, ^^^^^ up there?**

**I don't know why I ship them so hard, I really don't. But I'm glad I do.**

**Please please review. I do appreciate it so much. I've give you a blue drop candy thing ^_^**

**I'm sorry I lied. You're not getting one. But if you find one, it's totally me.**


	4. Hand Holding

**Disclaimer: I edited Wikipedia. I **_**do**_** own Victorious now [citation needed].**

**A/N: I'm so glad you people (for some reason, 'you people' always feel offensive) are reviewing, and seem to like it so far. It means a lot. Now, everytime I read this whole thing over, I keep feeling like I'm making Jade too mean, but I think it's because I can't write what she's really feeling. One, because she's not sure, and two, she's sure as hell not going to admit it, so I'm hoping maybe it comes across anyway. She uses her meanness as a buffer to keep herself from feeling anything, even from herself. Anyway, that's what I'm going for.**

We make it back a little late. I don't care, but Cat's freaking out, which I don't get, 'cause she's always late. Odds are Sikowitz isn't even there yet. Hell, half the time he doesn't show up at all. I'm just hoping for a quiet lesson, where Cat can direct some of her chatter to her little friends, and give me a goddamn break. I can only drown out so much sweetness. I swear I have diabetes now.

But all that sweetness just makes some of the things she says that much more jarring. I honestly don't think anyone's really listened to her for any period of time. If they had, I think they would've been concerned. She was like a musical scale, rising and rising in pitch until _bam! _That low note comes crashing in and makes you jump. I couldn't tell if that's just the way her thoughts ran – happy with the occasional discordant sad thought, or if the sweetness was all an act, just a way of trying to keep her mind off the sadness. Hell. I'm reading _way_ too much into this. It's just Cat for Christ's sake! I've known her for years. She's an airhead – granted, a talented one, but an airhead all the same. It's only disturbing because of her age. If she was five I wouldn't be fussed.

I open the door to Sikowitz's classroom, raising a hand automatically to catch the ball that's been hurled at me. Sikowitz laughs boomingly, clapping his hands together. "Excellent Jade! Always in character!"

Cat looks up at me with awe, bouncing on her toes. "Oh! That was so cool Ja-" Cat squealed as a ball smacked into the side of her head, knocking her to the ground heavily.

I sighed angrily. "Sikowitz!"

"...And scene!" Sikowitz slurped on a coconut, pottering over to a window absentmindedly. I rolled my eyes, putting a hand out to Cat. She took it gratefully, standing and rubbing her cheek.

"Am I okay?" I brush her hand away, gripping her chin gently and turning her cheek towards me. There's a large red mark where the ball hit her, and I brush my fingers across her cheek lightly. He gets her every time, she just never learns to suspect people. I become aware of Beck's eyes, burning into me, but I keep my eyes on Cat, watching her face blush to match her afflicted cheek.

"You're fine."

She lets out a soft "Yay!" and I drag her to a couple of empty chairs in the back. Sikowitz is blathering on about something now, not even facing the class, and I turn to Cat.

"How's your leg?"

A look of confusion crosses her face. "Oh! Right. It's okay." She slaps her face lightly. "My cheek's going kinda numb though."

I frown. Not at her answer, but that I asked her at all. It's not... I don't _care_. I steal a glance at Beck, and feel a surge of satisfaction when I see him staring at us. At me. I put my hand possessively on Cat's thigh, just below where her short shorts end. She giggles, slapping her face some more. I smirk over at Beck and he looks away, pretending to listen to something Tori says. Sikowitz is demonstrating effective 'stage' sleeping, or so he says. Everyone knows he's just zonked out on the coconut milk. This lesson's turning out okay. Sikowitz's class is one of my favourites... mainly because we never do anything, and when we do, it's usually something ridiculously easy. I actually like doing skits with Cat. It's the one place her randomness comes in handy. Beck's good too, but he's less imaginative, more serious. And me... well, it's a chance to be someone else. Not that I don't like who I am, I mean, it's me, but I'm free to be whatever, whoever I want to be. And nobody judges me, because it's just acting. Look, I don't care what people think of me, and I like that they're scared of me, but it's nice to be able to do something without consequences. I hate consequences.

I become aware that Cat's nudging me, trying to get my attention. I turn to her impatiently, raising my eyebrows. "Um... Jade... I have to pee," Cat whispers.

I stare at her blankly. "So?"

She bites her lips, looking uncomfortable and tucking a lock of red velvet hair behind her ear. "I- I need you to move your hand..."

I look down at the offending appendage. "Oh." I take my hand off her thigh and she sighs, jumping up and dashing out of the room, Sikowitz snoring on the stage. I look at my hand for a moment. I completely forgot it was there. Sneaky bastard.

It was weird. Cat was always moving and jiggling, like she was some ball of energy or something, but she was still for – I check my phone – twenty minutes. Not even _I_ can stay still for that long, and I hate moving. When I used to rest my hand on Beck, or drape my arm over his shoulder, he'd shift within ten minutes, guaranteed. He didn't mean to, it was just natural. It comes to me that Cat was actually making a conscious effort to stay still. To keep my hand there.

I shake my head, clearing my thoughts. She's never had a boyfriend... or a girlfriend before... she's probably never been touched that way. Of course she's going to savour it. Bodily contact _is _pretty sweet when you've never had it before. I find myself smiling. It's pretty cute, I have to admit. I look up, catching Beck staring at me, a worried look on his face. Of course he's worried, I'm smiling.

Actually, I'm worried... I'm smiling. I wipe it off quickly, turning it to a scowl. What am I doing? Yeah, okay, Cat's cute. I know that. But it doesn't matter. I shouldn't be smiling 'cause she's a virgin to... everything. Yeah it's cute. I hate cute. Cuteness is just a poor substitute for personality.

And thinking of the word 'virgin' in conjunction of Cat shouldn't be making me tingle. I do _not_ tingle.

Cat crashes down beside me, gripping the edges of her chair. "Have fun?" I say drily.

She nods enthusiastically. "Yeah! I love the hand-dryer. It's all _whoooooshhhh_." She grins before frowning, looking at her hands, "But it didn't dry my hands..." She inspects her hands, her eyebrows crinkled together.

I cross my arms, looking away from her and making some noise of assent. I'm relieved when the bell chimes, standing and shouldering my bag. I have to get home. I've been around Cat too much today. She's a lot to take. All that sweetness, ugh, it's starting to rub off on me.

Cat mentions something about her locker, and I say goodbye to her, something I've been wanting to do all day. She gives me a soft kiss, her hand on my shoulder, and I notice how good she smells. I'm not one to usually like those flowery girl perfumes... but something about her scent is intoxicating. She pulls back, smiling and skipping off, waving back at me.

I shake my head. Her scent is intoxicating? What the hell? I don't think like that. Thank God today's over. It's one thing to think of using someone as bait, quite another to put in practice. And a whole other thing to like it. Parts of it, anyway.

I can't stop now though. It's working. I'll have Beck back before the week is out, and then it's bye-bye to Cat, and everything'll be back to normal. I sigh, realising I'm the only one left in the room. Well, almost. I kick Sikowitz awake before I leave, and he rolls over, spilling his coconut. At least I'm not him, what small consolation that is.

**A/N: Please review. Yes you. You can't see it, but I'm pointing at you. Right in the eye.**

**Anyway, I'm gonna go have a beer. I've earned my drunkening.**

**Remember, more reviews means quicker updates!**

**(And if you have any suggestions, please to leave them.)**

**Plus, if anything in this story tickles your fancy, let me know. And I'll do it more. Plus I like hearing what's good.**


	5. The Hand That Held

**Disclaimer: Victorious is not mine. I can make no claim to it.**

**A/N: Okay. A warning. There's some M stuff ahead, but it's not what you're thinking. Unless it is, in which, congratulations, you win a banana. Anyway, enjoy...**

I lay back on my bed, sighing. It's dark in my room. I like it that way. The sun's still up, but I've blocked my window with heavy red curtains, so that any light that makes it through has a red tinge. I wish it didn't, because it's reminding me of Cat's hair. I always did like her hair though, I thought it was odd that someone like Cat, someone who relies on other people's opinions so much would do something so drastic. But, as I may have said before, Cat's not so normal. But enough about Cat. I'm so sick of Cat.

I turn on my side, curling my hand in my hair. I miss Beck, I really do. Our relationship wasn't perfect, I know, but I love him. I was stupid to break up with him. But it's what I do, I get jealous and I overreact. It hurts me that Beck just accepted it, just gave me a hurt look and agreed. Said that maybe it was for the best. I felt the tears start to come, finally, and I put a fist to my mouth, stifling my sobs. I hate how pathetic this makes me feel, how weak, how _stupid_ I am.

I knew he liked Tori. It'd take a blind, deaf and dumb person not to see the chemistry they had. And what, breaking up with him was going to help? Idiot!

I wiped my eyes, my fingers coming away coated in black. Stupid eyeliner. I wiped my hand on my pants. They were black anyway. I lay there for a while, wallowing in my misery. It almost felt good to feel this bad. Eventually my tears ran out, and I rolled onto my back, feeling hollow. It was dark now, the sun had gone down, and my room was getting cold. My parents were out to dinner... it was their 'date' night. Frankly, I didn't care what they did... I preferred them gone anyway. My mom'd say something about me moping around the house, and how if I just put on a nice dress I'd feel much better. She didn't quite understand my 'look'. She thought it was a phase I was going through. It was me. And they'd mention Beck. They like Beck. They think he's a good influence or something.

I guess what I miss most about Beck is just being with him, just hanging out. We went well together. He was the only person I could really relax around, really feel safe with. And I'd let him go, straight into another girl's arms. Stupid!

I try to remember Beck's hands, strong and a little rough, but he'd touch me so gently, like I was special. And he'd kiss me, these long, slow kisses while his hands roamed over me, stroking lightly. I let my hands follow these same paths, touching my skin, unbuttoning my pants. I shiver as my fingertips brush over my panties, keeping the image of Beck in my mind, trying to pretend it's his hand, his fingers that are touching me. And I remember the times we had sex, how he'd waited until I was ready, and never pushed me about it, and when we did finally do it, he was so gentle, making sure I was okay. And I liked the way he'd hold me afterwards, not letting me go.

I pushed my fingers inside myself forcefully, a sob caught in my throat. The last time Beck and I had sex was more than a week ago, and I'd gotten angry with him after, just because he said something about us hanging out with Tori and the rest. I accused him of just wanting to be with Tori, and he'd given me a look that said he was sick of it. Sick of my jealousy. But I didn't realise it then.

And the image of him is fading from my mind, becoming more out of focus the harder I move my fingers, the more I try to feel him, try to remember his touch. It makes me sob, make me try even harder to get any pleasure from it. I picture his lips, his pale pink lips, pressing against mine, but the memory's fading, even as I try to chase after it. And another image pops into my head, completely unbidden. Full pink lips, curved in a smile as they kiss me. Red velvet hair brushing me, forming a scarlet curtain around her face. The taste of candy. I feel a burst of pleasure, and stop, shocked, my fingers freezing. Cat? I was thinking of Cat? I pull my hand out of my pants, trying to ignore my racing heart.

Why couldn't I remember what Beck's lips felt like? I've kissed them like a million times. Why can I only think of Cat's lips, Cat's body, pressed up against me? I shake my head. There's a rational explanation for this. I stand, buttoning my pants and leaving my room, heading for the bathroom. I wash my hands, splashing some cold water on my face, washing away the dark streaks of eyeliner that have dribbled down my cheeks. It's because I kissed Cat last. That must be it. I'm remembering it because it happened last, so it's easiest to remember. That's it. And I'll admit, it was nice. Really nice. But that's not what Cat's for, she's a tool, a tool for me to use to get Beck back, and nothing more.

I walk to the kitchen... what, you think I can keep going after _that_? I might like kissing Cat, but I'm not about to think of her while I'm touching myself. I only wanted to feel Beck anyway. I hear a meow and turn to glare at my cat. "Oh no you don't." I point an accusing finger at her and she starts purring. Damn it. Stupid cats. Of both varieties. I paw through the fridge, looking for something to eat. I'm not really hungry, but I know I have to eat. I pull out some leftover Chinese, sniffing it to make sure it's alright.

While I eat, I check the Slap on my phone, just out of boredom. Ugh. Everyone's posts are so boring. Tori's gushing about some audition she's going for. She's so falsely insecure, all 'I'm so nervous... but I'm totally gonna nail it!'. I guess Andre's going for the same play, something about his 'jazz fingers' being ready. They're all so excitable. I don't bother reading Trina's. I already know it's about her. Robbie's having some flame war with Rex over Galaxy Wars. I have to agree with puppet on this – Robbie is a huge dork. I read Beck's intently, putting down the Chinese to see it better.

-_Something's going on, and I'm going to find out what._

_Mood: Suspicious_

I was pretty sure it was about me. And Cat. It's pretty vague though. Could be about Tori cheating on him for all I know. I grin, it'd serve him right. Not that I want Beck to get hurt... but if it brings him back to me, well... I'm fine with a little pain and anguish. It'd teach him not to run off again. Make him see that I'm the only one who understands him. I'm about to log off when an update from Cat pops up.

-_Ate too much candy today, now my tummy's achy._

_Also, blue + red = purple._

_Mood: Jubilant_

Now that's _definitely_ about me. I fight the little smile off my face, scowling and shovelling a mouthful of Chinese into my mouth, chewing furiously. I do not need this.

**A/N: Please review, you guys are leaving awesome ones, so keep up the good work! I give you a gold star in reviewing! And, as always, let me know what you like. I love hearing it, and it's interesting to see which parts turn out to be good.**

**I'm thanking you in advance, so you should review now. Or you're a thief...**

**...because you've stolen my heart.**

**I'm sorry. I won't do that again. ~_~**


	6. Lips To Heal, Words To Hurt

**Disclaimer: Victorious is not mine. If it were... oh, if it were...**

**A/N: Thanks again for all the reviews! The good news is, I've got a faaaair bit more done, so y'all don't have to worry about irregular, sporadic updates. Every few days or so, I reckon. Plus, I will NEVER abandon a story, so feel free to get attached.**

**And the bad news? Oh, there is none. ^_^**

My feet drag as I walk into school. I think I'd like morning more if it wasn't so goddamn bright. It's like it's mocking me. I let my head hang, shielding the sunshine with a curtain of hair. I'm exhausted... physically, emotionally... I didn't get much sleep. I tossed and turned all night, trying not to think of Beck. But at the same time, thinking of Beck was all I had. It was torture... it _is_ torture.

I like dragging my feet over the concrete, hearing the rubber soles rasp over speckled cement. It makes my despair feel more tangible. Plus, I simply don't have to energy to lift my feet, my bag hanging heavily off my shoulder like a tonne of bricks. What I'm saying is, I'm not in top form. Even for me. I wrinkle my nose distastefully. People are too loud. It's not like they're even saying anything, just empty blather about television and relationships and blah blah blah. I hate it. I wish I could just mute everything. Just... silence, and darkness. I smirk. Sometimes I'm such a stereotype. Such an angst-y young teen, with oh-so-many problems. I know it's stupid, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just another one of those idiots out there. Maybe that's why I hate them so much. Because I'm one of them.

Cat comes bouncing up, red velvet hair shining in the morning sun. It's like a visual assault, especially in her bright floral dress. At least there doesn't seem to be a lot of it. By which I mean it's like a long shirt in length. "Hiya Jade!"

I scowl. I am so not in the mood for this. For her. "Hey." I adjust my bag on my shoulder, trudging forward. She starts chattering, walking alongside me, her arm brushing mine every now and again, and I pick up random fragments that grate into my brain. Stupid words like 'cupcake', 'lemur' and 'blueberries'. Words that are too shiny for me. I turn to her, putting a hand up. "Stop alright? Just _shutup _already!" I yell, Cat cowering as if I'd hit her.

Cat puts a hand to her mouth. "I-I'm sorry." Her voice is quiet and sad, and I wish I hadn't yelled at her, because I know she's sensitive. I reach out to her and she flinches, and I draw my hand back. I feel a burst of anger. What? Now she's scared of me? Screw this. I sigh angrily and storm away. Great. This day is turning out just great.

It's lunchtime and I'm feeling like crap. I mean, physically I feel better. I managed to sneak some coffee in between classes. But I've had Cat in my classes, and I'd have to be blind not to see how hurt she is, how confused. And usually, I'm overjoyed to inspire these emotions in people, but Cat can't handle it. I can sense her glances at me, quick little looks that linger. But I'm proud. Too proud to apologise. Not that I want to.

"I see your plan's working." I look up, startled by the voice behind me. I turn, Beck looking down at me, his arms folded.

"What do you mean?" I push my lunch away and turn to face him, crossing my legs.

Beck raises his eyebrows. "Your plan to hurt Cat. Good job."

I scowl at him. "I'm not trying to hurt her. Why do you even care?"

Beck looks away, nostrils flaring. "I don't like what you're doing." He scuffs his shoes on the concrete. I fight to keep a smirk off my face. "It's not you Jade." Beck rubs the back of his head before turning away, disheartened by my lack of response. But inside I'm cheering. I return with relish to my salad, glad that no one's sitting with me. I didn't expect anyone to side with me, but it's for the best. I can gloat when I'm alone. Sometimes I don't know whether I'm respected, or just feared. Same thing I guess. I glance over at Beck's table, and he's chatting seriously with Tori, looking over at me every now and again. I squint. Cat's not there. I chew a mouthful of lettuce absentmindedly. She couldn't really be that hurt, right? If she's missing lunch, then it's serious. Girl loves her food. I sigh. Why do I have to feel bad? Guilt is such a useless emotion.

I pull out my phone, texting her. I set my phone down on the table, picking at my salad, and try not to jump when I hear the message tone. I deliberately take another mouthful of the bland salad, chewing thoroughly, before reaching over and picking my phone up.

I make my way to my car, taking my time. Look, I'm not good with words. Nice ones, anyway. I see Cat's red hair first, a splash of colour in the drab greens and browns. She's sitting under a tree near the parking lot, her knees tucked up under her chin. She looks so small, and I can't help but think of what she said the other day, about the dead trees, and whether it hurt them to die.

She perks up when she sees me, and I give an awkward little wave. Why am I doing this? I hate awkward situations. She clambers to her feet, brushing the dirt from her dress. "Hey! You came!"

I frown. "Of course I came. I'm the one who texted you."

She shrugs. "I thought maybe you'd changed your mind... people don't always come when they say they're going to. They lie." I look at her closely, and see that her eyes are red-rimmed, and the hand she uses to rub them is nail-bitten. And her voice is low, lower than I've ever heard it, and that bubbly sweetness, that lilting pitch is gone. She sounds normal, and I'm surprised to find myself hating it, hating her normal.

I don't know how to apologise... not for real, so I just blurt it out. "Look, I'm sorry okay?"

Cat's brown eyes go wide, "Sorry for what?"

I roll my eyes, "For yelling at you. I was tired."

She smiles, her face lighting up a little. "Oh. That's okay, everyone yells at me."

I look at her questioningly. She's lying. Not about everyone yelling at her, I can vouch for that, but that it's okay. I saw her this morning. She was hurt. Hell, I see her now.

Cat licks her lips, looking down. "You don't like me." The way she says it, it's not even a question.

And I'm even worse at this than I am at apologising. "I- I do. I like you a lot."

She bites her lip, moving closer to me, and her scent hits me, making my head swim. She smells... fruity, but not too fruity, not oversweet like I keep expecting. "Can... can I kiss you Jade?"

I raise my eyebrows. She's never asked. "Yeah. Sure."

Cat lifts her head tentatively to my mine, her lips brushing me. I push into her, bringing our lips together more firmly, and she sighs, her hand sliding into my hair. And I'm more eager than I realised, more forceful than I should be, and I realise I'm coming to savour her lips, her taste.

There's something about the way she kisses, something that I noticed before, and I hate it, but at the same time, it's so alluring. She gives herself up completely, commits entirely, and it's not just lips-on-lips for her, not just sensation. She puts her whole self into it, like it's a part she wants to play, a moment she loses herself in. And I hate it, that she's so goddamn vulnerable, so... pliable, but it makes me feel powerful... that I can do this to her, that I can do whatever I want with her. It's a temptation to the dark side that I really didn't need. My hands tighten on her, pulling her closer into me, and I wonder just how far I can go. I feel that... that arousal rise in me, and it takes me by surprise again. I mean, I saw it coming, I'm not stupid, I know how kissing works. But it's... more intense than I expected. The girl has magic lips. I flick my tongue over her lips, and she opens her mouth wider, pressing her body into me harder, and I can feel her, even through our layers of clothing. I explore her mouth teasingly, relishing this power, even while my conscience, diminished as it is, screams at me to stop, that this is wrong – I shouldn't enjoy it this much. She moans, and it's like a shock, and I jump, pulling back. Cat smiles at me. "What is it?"

I shake my head, trying to clear it. What was it? Why did I stop? It was good, so good, and then she moaned and- _she moaned_. I felt a shiver run up my spine, recalling the sound. Okay, I know kissing her is nice, but her moaning shouldn't make me want to jump her so bad, shouldn't make me all hot and bothered inside. "N-nothing." And looking at her flushed face, her lips all shining and smiling, it shouldn't make me want to kiss her again. I shouldn't _want _to kiss her at all.

As we walk to class, Cat's hand entwined in mine, I feel my mind racing furiously. I knew this was a bad idea... I just didn't think it would be for this reason. Look, I don't like Cat. I don't- _can't_... she- she just does something to me. It's physical, that's all. I wasn't expecting it. Wasn't expecting her to make me feel as much as, if not... no. As much as Beck. Physically.

I just have to stop kissing her so much. I'm liking it too much.

Physically.

**A/N: Oh rationalisation, how very relatable you are. Please review! Tell me if you like Jade, tell me if you like Cat... tell me if you like **_**me**_**. Anything's just fine.**


	7. Vicarious Vampires

**Disclaimer: Victorious... it's not mine. All apologies.**

**A/N: Due to some constructive criticism, I have edited and expanded this chapter, in the hopes of making it more plausible. I hope to have succeeded in that. I haven't taken anything good away, only added more. I apologise for the lack of exposition, and apologise to those who have already read it. Hopefully you will still enjoy it.**

It's infatuation. That's all. It's from not being with Beck. My body misses it, craves it. It's become accustomed to his touches, so it's natural that my body would respond that way. I haven't been touched in a while... that way, so I'm more sensitive than usual. I just have to watch myself, not lose control. Now that I'm aware it should make it easier to not lose myself. Like now. I'm aware that her hand is warm, and soft, and that I like holding it, but it's just physical. It's nice, but it's just a sensation. My focus should be on Beck. I smile; I know that scares him. He looks concerned, not even bothering to hide his glances at us.

I hold her hand as we sit in Sikowitz's class, Cat's chair scooted up closer to mine. It's funny, her hand never seems to get sweaty, or clammy, or dry. It's just... it's soft, and warm, and smooth.

"Jade!" Sikowitz yells dramatically, pointing at me. I tear my eyes away from Beck. "I choose you!"

I roll my eyes, standing, letting go of Cat's hand. "For what?"

Sikowitz looks confused for a moment, his eyes skittering around the room. "For... a skit! Choose your partner!"

I look down at Cat and she smiles, jumping up. "And the other!"

I smile evilly. This is turning out perfect. I'm liking Sikowitz more and more. "Beck."

Beck's eyes narrow, but he stands, going to the stage. Cat and I join him, Cat bouncing on her toes with eagerness. Sikowitz stands in front of us grandly, gesturing to the class. "Words, people, ideas!" He booms.

Some fangirl wearing a popular t-shirt raises her hand. I scoff, because we... we don't do that here, we just yell. "Vampires!" She screeches. A girl opposite her wearing a similar t-shirt glares at her, her own hand shooting up. "Werewolves!" Well, they've got the yelling part down. It's been this way for a while. Always werewolves and vampires. I blame the industry. But at the very least, it makes improv a lot easier. It's not so improvised if you know what's coming. Sikowitz gives us five minutes to prepare. I have an idea half-formed in my head, and I let it swirl around for a moment, pieces sliding into place. Since Sikowitz picked me, I get to do the scenario. Cat and Beck do what I tell them to, play who I say they play. They have to come up with their own lines though. I huddle with Cat and Beck, discussing the idea, and I draw Cat aside for a minute as Beck walks to his side of the stage, his lips moving absently as he thinks what to say. I explain the idea a little more fully, tell Cat what to do, and she nods, focused.

"So you're a vampire?" He raises an eyebrow sceptically, half-facing the class. "Yeah right."

"You don't believe me?" I say with a silky smile. "Silly boy." I run a finger down his face, stroking his cheek. I smile wider, seeing Tori lean forward from the corner of my eye. Two birds, one stone.

Beck scoffs, still in character. "Prove it."

I smirk at him, and the class. "You want proof? It's well known that vampires can seduce their victims. It's quite... stimulating." I run my hand down his arm, leaning closer to him. "Let me show you..." I say in a stage whisper, bringing my lips close to his ear.

"Jade..." Beck whispers, looking worried, "What are you-"

I cut him off with a laugh, turning to Cat. "Hi." I say in a flirty voice, lacing my hands behind my back.

She smiles uncertainly, in character. "Uh hi. Do I know you?"

I move closer to her, putting a hand on her shoulder. "Would you like to?" I keep my voice low, husky, transfixing her with a stare.

She glances at my hand on her shoulder. "Why are you... oh. You're really pretty, y'know..." Her face goes blank as she trails off, and I grin. She's good. I pull her to me roughly, Cat staying limp. I stroke her hair, turning to Beck, Cat still in my arms. Cat keeps a dreamy expression on her face, her hands wandering over me slowly.

"You see boy? I can do whatever I want to her. She is mine now."

I gaze at Cat lustily, stroking her face, and her shiver isn't entirely acting. I look at Beck smugly, and a muscle twitches in his cheek. "You're a vampire. A monster. You just want to bite her. Don't you feel bad, using humans and tossing them away?" Beck says heatedly, shifting uncomfortably on the stage.

I grin, because I know we've gone past the scene. It's not surprising really, acting is all about lying on the surface, but speaking truth underneath. And I've been less than subtle with my lies.

I pout, turning Cat so her back is pressed up against me. I brush her ruby hair back, exposing her neck. "She's only human. I'm doing her a favour really. Saving her from living a miserable existence. It's an act of mercy." I coo, running a finger up and down the bare skin of her neck and shoulder.

"How do you know she's miserable?" Says Beck through gritted teeth, his arms crossed.

I smirk, bringing my face close to Cat's neck, inhaling her scent. "A vampire knows." I wrap my arms around Cat, encircling her waist and drawing her closer. I nudge her head to the side with my own before biting down where her neck meets her shoulder, keeping my gaze on Beck. I'm not really biting her, just pressing my open mouth to her skin, and Cat's playing the part admirably, her body jerking. She moans, her knees trembling, and I gasp against her skin despite myself. That moan... argh! It just... does things to me. She moans again, louder, and Beck grabs her arm, pulling her away. I shake myself mentally, licking my lips. Beck grins, but it's not one of his best fake-smiles.

"So you really are a vampire."

I smirk, raising my eyebrows in a _duh_ expression. He changes his stance, stooping a little, and he seems to enfold Cat, he's so big in comparison. "Well I'm a werewolf." He says smugly, holding Cat's shoulders tightly, her back pressed against him. "And I say, this one's mine. You're not getting her."

I furrow my brow. Beck's... Beck's not doing so well. It's not even subtle, it's not even making sense. To be fair, I was being pretty blatant, but it's what vampires do... right?

"What does she matter to you?" I say, in a tone a little harsher than I intended. Seeing him touching her... it makes me jealous. He doesn't get to touch her. "She's nothing."

Beck looks at me with proud eyes. "She's human. It's not fair to manipulate them."

I shrug, grinning. "It's not my fault they let themselves be manipulated so easily. If they want it, why can't I give them it? I get to feed and they get to..." I tilt Cat's head up with a finger under her chin. "Die." I turn, letting Cat's head drop again. "Besides, what makes you better than me? You're a monster too. You're not any more human than I am."

Beck's voice is low and intense, and he turns Cat towards him, who's quailing in fear, the effects of my seduction wearing off. "But I remember. I remember what it's like to be human." He strokes her face reassuringly, a soft smile on his face, and I feel something twist in me.

"Humans are nothing," I spit. I grab Cat's arm, tugging her back to me, and she stumbles against me. I loosen my grip a little, I'm holding her too tight. "Together we could rule, eliminate all the useless humans." I look back up at him. "She's nothing." I move my hand to the back of her neck as I say this, making a sharp movement. Cat lets out a long gasp and her head drops limply to side, her knees wobbling. I let her fall to the floor. I make a little smile, looking down at her prone form. "Humans. So easy to break." I say in a singsong voice. I move up to Beck, rubbing his arm. "You know we're better than them. I think we could form a... partnership, of sorts, if you can get your human-loving under control." I feel Beck's biceps flex under his shirt as I move my hand along.

A muscle in his jaw twitches, and he looks from me to Cat. His face relaxes suddenly. "You might have a point." He envelops me in his arms, pulling me to him, and it takes me by surprise, my body stiffening. I jump as Sikowitz applauds, tossing his coconut aside. The rest of the class follows his lead, but I can tell they're kind of confused. It went from acting to thinly veiled metaphors so quick, they're not used to that kind of intensity. I'm not used to that kind of intensity.

Cat jumps to her feet. "I'm okay!" She waves at the class reassuringly, and we bow together, Beck following stiffly. We leave the stage, Andre stopping Cat on her way back to her seat.

"Nice job Little Red. Way to be a victim!" He grins, giving her a thumbs up.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Huffs Cat, and Andre's smile fades.

"I- I just meant you were good."

Cat perks up again. "Oh. Thanks!" She turns to me. "Jade's a _really_ good vampire."

Andre nods, looking at me sceptically. "Mhm. Maybe it's the pale skin. Or the clothes."

"Or maybe it's 'cause she _is_ one." Robbie chimes in, coming up behind Andre. He raises an eyebrow. "Think about it. She's cold, dead... loves the taste of fresh blood..."

I smile sweetly at him. "You really wanna find out Shapiro? 'Cause you'll be the first. And then the puppet."

"Hey, I didn't say nothing." Protests Rex.

"You're associated. It's enough."

Robbie smiles nervously, gulping. "I- I have to go. Come on Rex." He stumbles over to Tori and Beck, Andre going with him.

Cat turns to me. "You were really good." She gushes, smiling. Her smile fades, "Beck seemed kind of angry though." Her brow furrows, and she brings a hand to her mouth, chewing on a nail.

"Don't worry yourself about it. It's nothing." I take her hand away from her mouth gently, and she looks up at me.

"Yeah." She says slowly, rolling the word around in her mouth. She chews on her lip to replace the fingernail I've taken away. She's got this little furrow, the tiniest wrinkle between her eyebrows, and I feel an urge to smooth it out. I shake myself mentally. She's brooding. I don't want her brooding, it's my thing. "You're right. I'm... I'm gonna sit down now." She turns, going back to her seat while Sikowitz picks out another person. I stand there for a moment, confused as usual at Cat's mood swing. I shrug, it'll disappear soon enough.

I've known Cat almost as long as I've known Beck. She's always been dreamy, and not quite there, but I figure it helped her... disconnect. She got teased a lot _because_ she was always spacing out, but she was never really there enough to care. It was her curse and her salvation in one. Some things got under the surface though. I used to tease her as well. I was what can be politely called precocious, and I just did what everyone else did. It didn't occur to me she had feelings, it all just seemed to run off her like water off a duck's back. I never really said anything to her face, it was all whispers and snide comments. But the day I did, the day I sneered at her and spat out an ugly word, I saw her eyes flicker, and I glimpsed the unutterable hurt, like a splinter shoved under her fingernail. I saw her quail in front of me, like I'd slapped her, and it made my stomach churn. Because she didn't deserve it. Hurting her was like hurting a kitten... senseless, and only an exercise in domination, in power. And then she disappeared for a while. There was... an incident. No one spoke about it, even as kids we were scared by the way adults looked at us when we asked. When I asked. I think I was the only one who wondered where she went. When she came back she was different, more here, and more easily hurt.

That's why when I end this, I have to do it carefully. She's fragile, much more fragile than I initially thought, and I don't want to break her. I like her, despite myself. She's alright, in a tragic sort of way. I'll have to tread carefully. If I lose control... if I take this too far, it'll only hurt her more. This has to be the best performance of my life. I can't let it... can't let _her_ touch me. I have to stay in character. For both our sakes.

The thing about acting is; you lie. You lie and lie and lie until it's natural and believable. And if you're good, if you're really good, you never even know you're lying. You can lie to yourself so well it feels like the truth. I have no idea how good I am. I might be the best, because I never know if I'm lying, never know what the truth is. And when the time comes, when you're so goddamn confused you don't know what's what anymore... it's impossible to sort out, you've gone too far to admit it, gone too far to acknowledge why you'd lie, lie so damned determinedly to yourself, expend that much effort on something that really doesn't... shouldn't matter. And all the lies only make it clear how important it is, how much you'll fight to not accept it. I can feel the edges shredding, like cheap newspapers, but I'm not ready to tell the truth. I have work to do. I have to get Beck back.

**A/N: Hey there. Bet you're wondering about the mystery of Cat, right? It'll be revealed, but in good time. You just sit back and ponder. Or, more likely, yell at your computer. "Oh come on Jade! Can't you see? You love her! Just kiss the girl and forget about Beck! Cat's so much cuter anyway! Don't be so mean!"**

**Yes, I heard you. I also raided your fridge, so... yeah, thanks for the food.**

**Review, please please review. They make kittens smile and shoot laserbeams, and who doesn't want a laser-shooting grin-kitty?**

**No one, that's who.**


	8. Doubt

**Disclaimer: Victorious is not mine. Yet.**

Cat seemed distracted when I said goodbye, and I waved my hand in front of her. We were the last ones in the classroom. She hadn't even noticed the bell chiming. She'd been even more spacey than usual. "Hey! Are you okay?" I snapped my fingers and Cat jumped.

"I... I'm just think-y is all." Cat says pensively, chewing her lip.

"Think-y about what?" I say, playing along. I'm still in a good mood from the skit.

She doesn't smile, looking away. "Just... stuff."

I furrow my brow, unconvinced. But hey, I tried, which is more than I _ever_ do. Especially when I couldn't give a shit. "Okay... well, I'll see you tomorrow." I give her a quick kiss and she jumps, her lips unmoving against mine. I frown, shaking my head dismissively. I've never seen her so serious. Just when I think I know how she works... even to the tiniest degree, she does a complete turnabout. I leave Cat in the classroom, still deep in thought, and walk down the empty halls. As I exit the main doors, a hand catches my wrist and I turn, raising a clenched fist.

"Whoa, Jade! Calm down. It's me, Beck." He holds his hands up defensively, knowing full well that I _would_ punch him. I've done it before. Under less provocation, too.

"What do you want?"

He shrugs. "I just wanna talk."

I smile sweetly. "Okay. You've got five minutes." I cross my arms, looking impatient.

Beck runs a hand through his dark hair, sighing. "I think... I think maybe we made a mistake."

I feel my heart start to beat faster, but I keep my face slightly irritated. He continues nervously. "I think we both made mistakes... handled things wrong."

I raise an eyebrow. "So you think we should get back together?" I can't stop my voice from trembling a little.

"Yes. No. I... I don't know. I miss you Jade-"

I cut him off, kissing him, and he hesitates for a moment before responding, his strong arms wrapping around me, holding me. But something's wrong. I try to stifle it by kissing him harder, pulling his lean body into me, but he feels it too, pulling back.

He takes a deep breath before speaking. "I love you Jade... but I'm not sure if I'm still in love with you."

"That's bullshit!" I snarl. "That's a fucking excuse... you either want me or you don't!" I hate my temper, it's always making me say things I'll regret. Better to bottle things up, to play the neutral card... but that's just not me, and Beck knows it, ignoring my outburst.

He studies me closely, realisation crossing his face. "Do you love her?" Beck says softly, trying to look in my eyes.

I don't bother to answer, he should realise what a stupid question it is. I move to kiss him again but he stops me, a hand on my shoulder. "I- I need time Jade. Please... just give me time."

"What, so you can fuck Tori some more?" I hiss, pulling away from him and shrugging his hands off me.

"No... I'm going to break up with her. We're... not right for each other."

I grin smugly. "How much time will that take?"

He sighs heavily. "I don't know. Just... time. I need to figure out some stuff. About us." He kisses my forehead and walks away, and for once I wish he'd stay for a whole goddamn conversation.

I mean, we're practically back together but he keeps resisting, keeps fighting it. What's so wrong with me? Okay, so I have a temper. Okay, so I'm not the nicest person in the world, but he already knew all that stuff about me before. I haven't changed, so why has he?

I sit in my car for awhile, going over the scene in my head. I don't get it. It's working, it's working perfectly. Beck wants me back... it's only a matter of time. Then why does my mind keep going back to the kiss? It wasn't... it wasn't how I remembered. It didn't make my heart race like it used to, didn't make my blood fizz in my veins, and I have no idea why. It scares me. I'm so close to getting him back. It's what I want. It's the _only_ thing I want. So why didn't I feel like I was winning? Why was I sitting here, wondering what was wrong when I as good as had him back? Why wasn't I overjoyed?

Usually I'm fine being alone. I don't really need friends – they're a liability for the most part. But I wish I had one now. Someone I could confide in, who could tell me what the fuck was going on in my shattered brain and lay it all out straight for me. Someone who could put the pieces together and make a picture that made sense. I start up the car, driving home.

I want Beck back. That's what my brain's telling me. It's what it's been telling me since we broke up. But that little voice in my head is putting a question mark on it now, and making me furious. It can't do this to me... not after I've worked so hard trying to get him back. It's like running in a marathon and then deciding, 'Eh, I don't really feel like winning' just before the finish line. I'm not proud of using Cat, why would I be? It's like shooting fish in a barrel. Adorable, fucked up fish. I'm not proud of sinking that low, being that devious. Of course I want him back. Fuck you brain. You can't do this to me now. You can't be doubtful _now_. Doubtful would've been before I kissed Cat. Doubtful would've been before I did that skit. Doubtful would've been any time but _now_. This is betrayal. I can't even trust myself any more.

I can't take it. Can't take all this brooding. Usually it's so easy. I was born to brood. My eyebrows were made for it. But I'm sick of these thoughts looping through my head, because they're not making any more sense than when they started, just getting louder and louder. I grit my teeth in frustration, walking through the front door and tossing my keys on the table.

I take my dinner into my room. My parents are used to eating by themselves. I set it down on the bedside table. The smell of it makes me sick. I sit down on my bed, the mattress sinking under me. A whoosh of air is sent up, and it smells like Beck. I feel my appetite diminish even further, and I lay back, closing my eyes. I'm tired of fighting my thoughts, and I let my mind wander onto whatever it desires, let it scream at me with wordless confusion. I think of Cat. How am I going to break up with her? Should I do it before Beck dumps Tori? Should I do it now?

No. My mind's sure of at least that much. _It means you can kiss her longer_. I open my eyes. I hate the person I'm turning into. Bad enough that I'm using sweet, little Cat as bait... but to use her... physically as well, for my own gratification? What kind of a sick fuck am I? I like kissing her, yes. It turns me on... a lot. I admit that, but it doesn't make it okay. It's gonna hurt enough when I break it off. I purse my lips. Or will it? I have no idea how she really feels about me. If I had to guess, I'd say she just likes the attention... likes someone wanting her, treating her as something desirable. I think she's infatuated with me because I kiss her, because I touch her... and I don't think it's something she's had before. If that's the case, it'll make it easier. Infatuation is only temporary. Powerful, but fleeting. I can't bring myself to believe she actually cares about me beyond that. I mean, I've never been nice to her, never treated her well... never even listened to her, so I can't see how she could actually have real feelings for me. It surprises me to find that I don't know for sure. Cat seems like an open book, but it's only when you look close you see it's written in another language.

I know by now she's not all happy-smiley-rainbows. But what is she? Why is she so fucked up? It's nothing I can put my finger on... there's just these little moments when I can sense something's not right... that there's something darker underneath. I've never cared enough to find out.

So what... I care now? Now, when I'm close to hurting her? That's fucking irony for you. My brain's got it's priorities back to front. I put my fingers to my temples, rubbing in small circles. Okay. I like her. I _do_ care more about her than when I started this whole thing. I apologised to her for Christ's sake. I _never_ apologise. I've never even said sorry to Beck. I mean... of course I care about her... I couldn't do this with someone I hated. She's too pathetic to hate.

I sigh, feeling a rush of guilt. I can't even insult her anymore? Not even in my thoughts? I switch my thoughts off. I'm sick of this wandering. Look. This is what I'm going to do. I'm going to lay it on heavy with Cat, touch her more, kiss her more, but all – and only – in front of Beck. I'm going to push him over the edge and make him _sure_ he wants me back. If he thinks he's going to lose me, and, considering he asked me whether I loved her, it seems like he thinks it's real, then he's going to come running to me, beg me to be with him. I force my brain to shut up, to stop its incessant questions and impulses. _This is what I'm going to do_.

I pick at my dinner reluctantly, even though my stomach is growling at me.

_You just want to kiss her, you just want to touch her. It's not for Beck, it's for you..._

How can I eat with that thought whispering sinuously through my head, sliding it's black tongue into my brain? If anything, that's why I have to stop touching her when Beck's not there. Because I _do_ like it. But it's for Beck.

All for Beck. That's all.

**A/N: Can you feel it? We're getting so close now. So review, and tell me what you think, tell me what you want, and I shall oblige.**

**I'm like a genie, I'll make all your wishes come true. As long as they're about this particular fanfic, and they relate to plot or character. Okay, so I'm a really specific genie who can't really do much, and can't even really grant wishes. Okay, so I just live in a bottle... I'm still cool right? At least I moved out of my parent's lamp.**


	9. Bittersweet Strawberries

**Disclaimer: Victorious is not mine. If it were, Tori would probably not be the main character. And I'd have more music in it. I mean, what's with that? It's a show about kids who perform, and yet... they like, totally never do. I mean... dude!**

I play with Cat's hair, swirling the ruby strands and making little braids, or just stroking the soft locks. It really is a nice colour. You'd think it would be too bright, too much, but she makes it work. I couldn't pull it off. I'd get sick of it too quick though. Cat's been quiet, her eyes focused mostly downwards, and she seems spacier than usual, jumping when I kissed her. Apart from the various dramas this week, school is actually turning out great. Our last class of the day is cancelled, due to missing Sikowitz, so we're scattered outside, just doing whatever. I pick a nice open place, leading Cat over and sitting down. I like the way the colours come together, Cat's head in my lap, the red contrasting with the green grass and the dark blue of my jeans. It seems to make her glow. But that little furrow is still there, and she toys with a piece of grass, rolling it between her fingers. I think she likes me playing with her hair, or at the very least, doesn't mind it. I hear my message tone and pull out my phone, keeping a hand tangled in her hair. I find it relaxing, personally.

I smile to myself. It's from Beck. '_Why are you with Cat?'_

I send him back a message leisurely. No need to hurry. '_Why are you with Tori?'_

I know full well where he is, I can feel his eyes boring into me from here. He sits with his arm around her, around Tori, but I don't think he's looked at her once. I've kept my promise so far. I haven't touched Cat out of his sight. I have no idea whether she's noticed, or if she's even noticed he's there at all. But I swear I saw her eyes flick over to him at one point, that little furrow getting deeper.

As much as I hate experiencing jealousy, I sure do love causing it in others. There's just something so fulfilling about having something you _know_ someone else is dying to have. Even if it's yourself. _Especially_ if it's yourself. I put my phone back in my pocket, my hand brushing something hard and round in my pocket. I frown for a moment before remembering.

"Oh, hey. I got you this." I pull out a lollipop. Strawberry, I think. That little wrinkle between Cat's eyebrows disappears, and her eyes light up, a hand reaching to grab the lollipop. I pull it away from her, and she frowns, rolling over and looking up at me. "You didn't say thank you." I smirk, pulling Cat in towards me. When I kiss her... it's different. Before... she put everything into it, like it was the most real thing in the world, like there was nothing else on her mind, but this... this is distracted, and she's responding almost absently, automatically, and I press my lips to her harder, trying to get a response, trying to get what I felt before. She pulls back, taking the lollipop wordlessly and popping it into her mouth, a faint smile directed at me. I keep the frown from my face, sneaking a glance at Beck. I feel Cat's eyes on me and turn my gaze to her again, stroking her hair reassuringly, her head back in my lap.

She's quiet. Way too quiet. Even given that's she's sucking on a lollipop. I sigh finally, curling my fingers in her hair. "What's wrong?"

Cat's chocolatey eyes flick over to me. She gives the lollipop another tentative lick before responding. "Nothing, just..."

"Thinky." I finish for her.

Cat stares at me for a moment. "You don't have to worry about me, you know." I feel a rush of indignation. What? She should be grateful I'm even asking. I never ask anyone if they're okay, I don't _care_ if anyone's okay or not. I just hate seeing her like this... all quiet and serious. I feel the indignation die away, because her tone... it wasn't annoyed, or reprimanding... it was like she was informing me, telling me I didn't have to bother, that I didn't have to bring myself to ask because it wasn't worth it. She sounds how I used to feel – dismissive of herself.

Before I can stop myself, before I can think of whether I should, I find myself saying, "But I do. I do worry." I bite my lip. Stupid! Why did you say that? It's... it's true... but I shouldn't... why shouldn't I? I don't care. But I do care, especially when I see the tears welling in Cat's eyes, threatening to spill over. Her eyes flick over to Beck before coming back to me.

"Jade? I- I don't want to make a scene. Can... can you take me to the bathroom?" Her voice is soft, punctuated by sharp little breaths she uses to gasp for air, trying not to break down. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't alarmed, that it didn't hurt me to see her this way, all because I admit I worry about her, that I care about how she is. I nod tersely and help her stand, taking the lollipop from her and slipping an arm around her waist. It's not like her to care about 'making a scene'. I know for a fact she doesn't care, she doesn't really care what anyone thinks. My mind is churning, thoughts spinning around, trying to figure out where this has come from. Cat's always had mood swings, but they've never been this... intense, this easily triggered. And what's more, it's not even really a mood swing; she's been like this since yesterday, all quiet and serious. As we walk I can feel her shaking, starting to break down more and more, the further away from the others we get. It's making me worry, and I don't like worrying because I can't do anything about it. This is why I hate caring, because you can't fix people when they break, and you feel like you should be able to, like there's some magic thing you should be able to do, if only you cared enough, and it's your fault they're broken. I hate it, and I hate this thing that's swelling inside me, making me want to hug her.

We get to the bathroom finally, Cat taking little sips of air, quiet sobs racking her body, and I fucking hate this. It's tearing me apart and making me feel useless and sick. I can't bear to see this, it's making me so goddamn uncomfortable, so I draw her into a hug, gripping her tightly. She's so small, so fragile, and I keep being reminded of this. Her face is buried into my shirt, and I start to feel hot tears dampen the material, but at least I don't have to _see_ her crying any more.

Girls. I don't understand them. I have no idea why she's crying, not this much anyway. I find myself making comforting noises, soothing her, stroking her hair, even kissing her forehead. I have no idea what I'm doing, but it makes her shaking start to subside, only little tremors running through her every now and then.

She lifts her head finally, her cheeks wet with tears, and I brush them away with gentle fingers. I'm not heartless; I don't like seeing her cry. Cat takes a shivery breath when I touch her, and then she's kissing me, pushing me back, and there's that fire I didn't feel before, that complete absorption. She takes my breath away, and she moves me back into the bathroom wall, and there's a part of me that's reminding me that I'm not in front of Beck right now, but a bigger part of me is just wanting her to keep kissing me, to keep making me feel this thing I was missing. Her lips are soft and damp, salty with tears, but the inside of her mouth tastes like strawberries. And when I trace my tongue around her mouth, brush it over her own slick tongue, she moans throatily, and I feel my hips jerk into her in response. She presses against me harder, and the bathroom wall is cold against my back, and she's so warm, her hands hot on my skin, pushing my shirt up.

I'm completely overwhelmed. It's always been me who took charge, me who took things further, and I find myself helpless against Cat's onslaught, overcome by the sensation of her lips, her hands, her whole body. She's never done this, never been this forceful, she's always been sweet and gentle, slow and sensual; but this is desperate, wanting, and it's making me gasp in response. I don't know what's come over her, what's made her this bold, but it's not in my power to stop her, and if I wasn't so overwhelmed, I'd be concerned.

I jump when her hands move up along my stomach, brushing over my ribs, and Cat moans again, reaching my breasts. And that moan, it makes me melt, because it's so goddamn sensual and it's like pinpricks down my spine. I hate this. I hate that I've lost control, that I'm being so shameless in my responses, my reactions, and I hate more than anything that I don't care about _any_ of that, that all I want is for Cat to keep going to keep this feeling inside me alive. This hot, burning, consuming feeling that's driving me insane. Her fingertips flick over my nipples, the material of my bra teasing them even more with it's roughness, and I can't stop her name from slipping out of my mouth. I hear Cat take a sharp breath, and she pulls herself off me, her hands retracting from underneath my shirt.

Cat's stammering out an apology I don't hear, as I try to see that shifting, elusive emotion in her eyes, that's warped and disguised by her tears, her refusal to look to at me. It's important. I don't know what I'm looking for, what I'm expecting to find, but I'm searching anyway, because there _is_ something there, I can feel it. And then she's gone, and I wish that I had stopped her, made her tell me what was going on. I put a hand to my stomach, alone in the sterile bathroom, and wonder what this churning is that's raging inside me; that makes me feel sick and dizzy.

I need to talk to her.

**A/N: Please review, they make me sparkle. Inside**

…

**Okay, so I've been eating glitter. But it's all for you guys! And by guys, I mean girls. And by girls, I mean reviewers. And by reviewers, I mean damn, you lookin' fine today.**

**Also... that was hot right... you know, ^^ up there.**

**You play your cards right, and there'll be more of that. And the game is something something stud. I don't know. Or 'Snap!'. Everybody loves 'Snap!'.**

**Oh... and review. Kthanxbai.  
**


	10. Caring

**Disclaimer: Why do I do this for every chapter? It only increases my humiliation. I don't own Victorious okay?**

"Come on. Please pick up, please." I find myself muttering, phone pressed tight to my ear. I sigh as it goes to voicemail, Cat's cheery voice telling me to leave a message. I've already left so many. I lick my lips as I put my phone away, defeated. Strawberries. I still taste it. I have to talk to her. I don't know why... I- I'm worried about her... I need to... I don't know. I don't know why, but I do. I pace back and forth, chewing on a thumbnail. I have to... I have to... _do_ something. I hate feeling helpless, hate this swirling inside me. Why do I have to talk to her? Why do I care?

I care.

The thought makes me freeze. I do. I do care. And I don't know why, don't know when it started, but it doesn't feel new. It's like it's just become louder than it was before. I mean, it's true, I always didn't hate her, which can be interpreted as caring, but... not enough to affect me. Not enough for me to make an effort. Which is what I'm doing now. I find my mind racing, replaying everything, and I'm baffled. It wasn't like Cat, _at all_, and the thought makes me laugh bitterly, because I don't know Cat. I don't know anything about her, and that's becoming increasingly clear. What I thought she was... I don't know, what I wanted her to be... I don't think that's what she is. And why am I worried about her? I don't know. I don't know. I just... it's the edge of something, but I can't peer far enough to see the whole thing. My mind is... it's racing and nothings making sense, and I think it's the first time I've really lost my shit since I broke up with Beck. Nothing is making sense. My thoughts are racing but they're saying nothing, just... I need to talk to her. I don't know what I'll say, I just... I just need to. I'm going round and round in circles, and I'm getting exhausted. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I need to calm down.

I slam Robbie against the locker, his eyes wide with fear. "Tell me where Cat lives." I growl, my fists bunching his shirt up.

His eyes dart around nervously. "J-jade I d-don't... C-cat doesn't... please don't hurt me-"

I take my hands off him, forcing a tight smile. I know for fact that it's terrifying when I smile. Like a shark. "Robbie, I'm not going to insult us both by asking you again. Instead, I'll just tear Rex's head off." I reach into my backpack, pulling out the puppet.

Robbie's lip quivers. "W-where did you... I left him playing tetris in the library... how'd you find him?"

I twist the dummy's head to the left, muffling Rex's pleas with my hand. "Does it really matter? Tell me where she lives."

Robbie's eyes flick between me and Rex, the fear in them magnified by his glasses. There's a slight crack as I reach the full range of motion in Rex's neck, pushing beyond it. Robbie sobs. "Okay, okay, I'll tell you! Just please, don't hurt him."

I'm driving too fast. I shouldn't be driving at all, because my mind's not there, not on the road, and it's a miracle I don't cause an accident. I'm not even really sure how I got here, just running on some instinctive autopilot that has way better directional skills than the conscious me does. But I'm outside her house; I can tell because it says '_Valentine' _in curling script on her mailbox, and I've never really realised that was her last name. She's always just been Cat to me, that was her, just Cat, and it reminds me of how much I don't know about her. I hesitate outside her door, hugging my arms to me. This... what am I doing? This isn't me. I don't do this. I don't chase after girls who molest me in bathrooms. I shiver, remembering Cat's forceful passion. It was... it was hard to ignore, hard to combat that kind of fervour, but there was something wrong. Just the fact that Cat _was_ so forceful was enough. It's the first time she's ever really made a move like that, like she needed it, like she needed to kiss me, needed to touch me. I needed her to touch me.

I scowl. What am I? What am I becoming, that I need something from anyone. She's just a girl. I reach out impulsively and ring her doorbell. She's just a girl.

I'm telling myself that even as she opens the door, a subdued smile on her face that falters when she sees me. And it's ringing false, because as soon as I see her, I want to hug her. Want to make her sadness go away, and she's not just a girl... she's Cat. And that means something to me now. She leads me inside, to her room, and we barely speak, because there's this thing she did, the way she acted, hanging between us, and we have to talk about it, but she's scared to start and I'm scared. I'm actually scared of her. Of what's going on with her, because she's hurting and I think... I _know_ it's my fault.

Cat's room is pink. Overwhelmingly pink. It's the room of a five year old, soft toys and brightly coloured pastel furniture scattered everywhere. It's too much. It's quintessentially Cat, in that it seems innocent, but there's something underneath it. It's too childish, too bright and happy. It's false. It's like she's trying to stay a child, trying to deny something in her – that's she growing up or losing her innocence or something. It... it doesn't feel right. She's trying too hard to seem simple, and it's starting to show. She sits on her bed, smoothing her skirt out. I shift a mustached pig aside and sit near her, trying to get comfortable. I stop after I realise it's not the bed that's uncomfortable, it's the situation.

I lick my lips and try to start, my mouth feeling dry. "Cat-"

She raises a hand, cutting me off, and she has a sad smile on her face, like she's almost amused by this, if only it wasn't happening to her. "I know Jade. I know about Beck."

**A/N: As always, I beseech you to review. Things are getting good, right? You wanna know what happens next, right? You want the mystery of Cat to be solved, right? Then tell me! I mean, I know you have been, but I love repetition. I love it. I love repetition.**

**Also, thanks to those of you who do review, and favourite, and alert. It makes me feel like a melted marshmallow on the inside. All sticky and gooey. And you _know_ I'm never getting that out of the carpet, and what a mess you've made! But thank you.**


	11. Don't Stop

**Disclaimer: I own no characters, just ideas... sort of.**

"Look... I know you're just using me to make Beck jealous." My eyes widened in shock, and I opened my mouth automatically in protest. Cat put a finger to my lips. "No, it's okay. I get it. I- I didn't really think you liked me." She smiled softly, her eyes downcast. I'm stunned, and I can't just admit it, even though we both know it's true.

"Cat..." My tongue feels thick and I stroke her bare shoulder, because I can't seem to lie to her. And I think, when did that happen?

"It's... it's okay Jade. You can use me." Cat covers my hand with her own, stilling it.

I regret ever doing this. I hate myself for a lot of things, but this is the biggest of them.

I was wrong. I shouldn't have dragged her into this. I knew she was sensitive, and easily-manipulated, but I just thought she was stupid. No. I didn't think she was stupid. I just- I didn't think she was this fucked up. I never really thought about _why_ she acts the way she does. "Cat... It's not okay. You shouldn't... It's _not_ _okay_." I try to get her to look at me, and I wish it hadn't worked, because her face is making my stomach churn. She gives a little, self-deprecating shrug.

"What else am I good for? If you can use me to be happy, you should do it." Fuck. I'm a fucking idiot. There aren't words to aptly describe my stupidity. I should know better than anyone that things never go the way you want. I counted on Cat being weak, on her being a girl like Tori, a bubbly airhead... not this self-loathing thing I can crush so easily. And I don't want to crush her, I realise. She's... she's good, and sweet, and kind, and it's not because she's naive and childish. She sees the same world that I do... the one that's full of cheats and liars and idiots, but she hasn't let it make her bitter, even though it keeps fucking her over again and again. Because she's good. And I feel like a moron for never realising that. She's so broken, and all I want to do is fix her... but so far all I've done is shatter her further. I just want to fix her. I just... I just want her.

I kiss her impulsively, because I'm not good at using my words to heal, only to wound. Cat freezes in surprise before relaxing into the kiss, her arms moving to wrap around me. And it's like I'm kissing her for the first time, and my mind just stops. There's no Beck, no ulterior motive... just her. I'm kissing her because I want to kiss Cat, and I let myself.

Cat makes a small sound, pulling back breathlessly. "You don't have to do this to make me feel better. You should be with Beck."

I stare at her, my mind whirling, pieces clicking into place. "I want to. I'm doing this..." I stroke her face with a finger and she shivers. "Because..." I swallow hard as I let myself realise this. "I'm doing this because I want you." And it's true. I want her. I shouldn't... but I do. It's like a giant weight from my shoulders to just admit it, to just be able to say it, and it doesn't sting as much as I thought it would. I kiss her again, because I can't stop myself, can't control myself. I want to kiss her and kiss her and kiss her. And I let myself realise that this is why it felt wrong with Beck. Nothing had changed when we kissed, it was just now I had Cat's kiss to compare it with, and it fell woefully short. She lights this fire in me with her vulnerability, and I want to ravage her and protect her at the same time. I can't get enough of her, her taste is teasing me, and I flick my tongue into her mouth, touching it to hers and she gasps, her hands tightening on me. Every time I kiss her there's this twist inside me, like a hand clenching itself deep inside. And what I felt before, what I felt growing the more I kissed her is overwhelming now, it's gradually tearing free of the tethers I bound it with. Excuses that mean nothing now. I find myself leaning against her, pushing her down, and our lips part for a moment, Cat's breath feathering my lips before I capture her in another kiss, moving on top of her. And this fire in me is so fucking intense, it's consuming me, and I realise just how much I was holding back, and I'm rubbing against her subconsciously, trying to get some friction. Before I know it my hand's moving to her thigh, sliding over the creamy skin, pushing her skirt up. She gasps as my fingers trail down the back of her thigh, my nails scratching lightly.

I shouldn't be doing this. I should be with Beck. I shouldn't be moving this fast. I shouldn't- this shouldn't be happening. Cat moans and I shudder, moving my lips to her neck and kissing the soft skin, feeling her pulse throb against my lips. "J-Jade?" Cat says breathlessly, but I don't answer, moving my hand to where it really wants to go – in between her legs. "Oh," She bucks up against me as I rub over her panties, the material quickly dampening. I can feel her trembling and it's teasing me so goddamn much. I want to feel her and I know I shouldn't. There are so many reasons. It's not the time, or the place, it's too soon... and Beck...

I pull myself off her with difficulty, stilling my hand. "Tell me to stop. Please..." I pant, because it's just not in me to stop myself. I feel that hot arousal throbbing through me, telling me to fuck her, and it's overwhelming, this pent up need. And just this... snapshot my eyes are taking of Cat, with her face flushed, her pupils huge and dark and burning me, her ruby hair spilled out, mixing with the darkness. My eyes trace down her form, her small, lithe body, skirt pushed up and revealing her tan thighs, what light there is catching them. And I'm so aware of her body, everywhere it's touching mine, my desire is setting my nerves on fire, and my mind's telling me no, but my body's groaning yes. I flex my hand against her core, the material of her panties bunching. Cat moans again, and I feel another thread of control rip free. "Tell me to stop." I say through gritted teeth, and I'm pleading with her. If I do this, I can't undo it, and I don't know what's going to happen after. I don't do things like this... I've never... never felt this way, even with Beck. With Beck, sex was an afterthought... a result of our relationship... I never wanted it this much, never felt this... _urge_.

Cat looks at me helplessly, her eyes wide. "I- I can't." Her voice is soft, and it rips into me. Everything she does just teases me more. "P-please don't stop."

**A/N: I know, it's a cliff-y, but I do so love to tease. It gives me a sense of power, and I need to abuse _something_. But I promise I won't keep you waiting for too long. Pinky-swear.**

**Now, while you're reviewing, which of _course_ you'll be doing, I mean, who doesn't? Amiright?**

**What do _you_ think the mystery of Cat is? There are no stupid answers...**

**...Only stupid people.**

**I joke, I love all you anonymous people and your sweet, sometimes misspelled, sometimes abbreviated, sometimes heartwarming words, whatever they may be.**

**I'd write a story about you all, but I've been sued for libel/slander too many times -_- so suffice it to say, you're all in my thoughts. In totally non-libellous ways.**


	12. Stop

**Disclaimer: Victorious. No... just... just no.**

I kiss Cat's neck softly, my lips barely touching her before I have to gasp another breath in, ruby red strands of hair sticking to my wet lips. I can taste her, I can smell her... every molecule, every part of her is in me. It takes my breath away, and every breath I take is never enough, and they're getting increasingly shallow as these feelings, these tight, constricting urges suffocate me. Everything is overexposed and warped, hyper-real. It's too real, and it's making my head swim. A part of me is panicking, because I'm not in control. I can't stop myself, I can't even try, and it scares the shit out of me.

It's my nightmare... to lose control. It's all you really have, after all. If you can't control yourself, then you're powerless, a slave to your emotions, your whims. And that's something I never wanted to be. I never wanted to lose myself in the moment, never had the urge. I thought I was too logical, thought I had a rein on my feelings. And when I was with Beck, they'd rear sometimes... I'd get a burst of feeling... of love, of gratitude, and I'd relish that I could suppress it, because it showed I was still human. I could still feel things, I just chose not to. It showed I could control myself. It made me feel powerful.

I can't stop my body from shaking, these chemicals, these hormones, burning through it. I can't stop my lips from trembling in between the short pants I take, can't keep them from touching her. I'm powerless. Cat isn't helping either, making these soft little gasps and moans that I feel vibrate against my lips, her body jerking when my fingers trace over her panties. If I was me, which I'm definitely not at the moment, I'd be taking this slower. I'd... I'd want to make it as good for her as possible. I'd want to make it about her. And about me. I'd take my time, is what I'm saying. But my fingers are moving against her furiously, disregarding the material, and Cat's breath is hiccuping out, her little body shivering against the tide of sensation. It's not how I wanted it to be with her. I didn't want it _to _be with her. This is not something I should be doing, but I acknowledge it's something I want. I'm not that blind to my emotions. I just blinker them.

Everything's in snapshots. I can't focus, can't see the whole picture. I can't just take a deep breath and see what's happening. It's what I need to do, and it's exactly what I'm incapable of. What I'm doing... I'll regret it, I know that. My fingers are clumsy as they push the material of Cat's panties aside, tired of working with the damp fabric in the way. It shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't be taking Cat's virginity this way, this roughly. Not when I'm so out of control, with this mixture of lust and fear in me. It's not right. Not for her and not for me.

As soon as my fingers come in direct contact with her, already moving of their own accord, she freezes, her breath catching in her throat, almost choking her. Even through this haze I'm in, even through the lust that's pounding through my veins, I can sense something's wrong. I don't know how, or why, but something's changed. Something's wrong. It's a different kind of wrong than before. It's a wrong that makes me stop. Makes me pull back and study her, things starting to click into focus again, return to normal shutter speed.

Cat's shaking. I can feel it, her body pressed against mine, and she takes a ragged breath. I can hear the tears in it, and even though her eyes are shut tight I can see the wetness of her eyelashes glinting. And I don't know what's wrong. These aren't tears of joy, or nervousness or excitement. These... they're painful, and she's sobbing. It's not Cat. When Cat cries you know it, because she just lets it out, doesn't care if you see it. But she's hiding it from me. It's not Cat. She's trying to keep it inside. She's... she's never kept anything inside... ever. It's what she's known for. The girl who wore her heart on her sleeve.

Whatever I was feeling, whatever the emotions were that swept over me, they're gone now. And I'm relieved. I'm enough of a monster as it is. I don't want to... well... not when she's crying. I'm human enough for that at least. But there's a new emotion in me, one that I've strived to quell every time it blossomed in me – compassion. It's a weakness, but I don't mind this time. She's not strong enough on her own. She needs someone to be compassionate, to sympathise. She... she deserves it.

"Cat?" I hesitate to speak, because although this might be the new, compassionate, caring Jade, a part of me still doesn't want to know. Doesn't want to deal with all this drama. It's the part I've always called the smart Jade. The logical Jade. The Jade I've always listened to.

The effort she's making to force her feelings back inside, to stop herself crying is immense. She's trying so hard to stop and she just can't. Her lips part with a wet gasp and she's stuttering, trying to speak. "I... I... I c-c-can't. I..." It's broken by another sob, and I wish she'd stop speaking. It's only making things worse. "I... I just... j-just-"

Fuck. I feel so helpless. I don't... what do I do? I'm hopeless in situations like these, which is exactly why I try my hardest to not get it situations like these. Whatever the fuck this situation is. It's just another way of making me feel powerless, taking away my control. Do I hold her? Do I kiss her? I try to think... what would my mother do? She's good with things like this. Emotions and everything. "Do... do you want some water?"

Idiot. I'm an idiot. When people look at me, they shout, 'Hey! Idiot!', and I come bounding up. Water? Really? Huh, maybe my mom sucks more at this stuff than I thought. But Cat's wiping her eyes and sniffing, which, while I normally find that really gross, she somehow makes sound adorable, and totally inappropriate for me to think considering the circumstances. She nods, hiccuping, and I get up, relieved. I can't deal with this. This is not something I can do. Shatter someone's social standing with a well-delivered insult, yes, but comforting a crying girl, especially one I came within a hair's breadth of fucking... not so well, no.

As I wander around her house, realising I don't actually know where her kitchen is... I... I'm confused. How can I be in her house, looking for her kitchen to get her a glass of water? How could I go from not caring about her at all, not wanting her, to almost raping her. I don't mean in the sense she didn't want it... I stopped then, much to my relief, but that I couldn't stop myself before. I've never been consumed by something like that. There's always been a part of me that's closed off, a part of me that's above the rest. The observer that makes all my decisions. And it covered it's all-seeing eyes when I was with her. How long has this been growing? How long has it been gestating inside me, waiting to burst forth and make me look at it? Is it infatuation? Is it lust? Is it... love? It scares the shit out of me that I don't know, that I have no basis for comparison, because I've never felt this way before. Even with Beck.

I find her kitchen and rummage about for a glass, and my eyes feel far off and distant, like I'm on autopilot, and I nearly smash more than one homely ornament with my clumsy fingers. I loved... love Beck. Don't get me wrong. But this thing with Cat... I don't know. With Beck, everything was placid, everything was calm. We were essentially the Dead Sea, buoyant enough to keep our relationship afloat. On an even keel. Beck's stable... I'm the volatile one in our relationship, the one who has to be talked down, the one who starts the fights. Why? Why did I start fights with him? I used to think it was because I was jealous, because I was scared of losing him... but even then I could see it was pushing him away.

I pour the water with a surprisingly steady hand. I got bored sometimes. With Beck. He was... _is_ a good boyfriend, but I just... I wanted more. I wanted passion, fire. I'm an actress... I have all these tragedies and such to aspire to, and Beck loving me in his calm, tolerant way exacerbated me. I wanted something to happen, I think... otherwise why did I keep pushing and prodding him? I push those thoughts away, they're all speculation I don't have time for at the moment. I've got a crying Cat to attend to.

I steel myself before I go back into her room, not just for the visual assault of pastels, but against the sight of her crying. It's just like pins stabbing at me to see her like that. Real tears hurt, and these are so... painful for her.

She's not crying anymore. She's sitting up on her bed, knees drawn up to her chin, her ruby hair spilling down over them. Her eyes are red and puffy, and she's more sober than I've ever seen her. She's like a balloon without the air... just empty. I hand her the glass of water and she takes it without even a watery smile. Her eyes look... dead. Usually they're so warm and twinkly, and I already hate myself for thinking those words, but... they're just flat and dull, like something's been taken from them.

Cat takes an absent-minded sip of the water. She runs her eyes over me dispassionately, and I think I see something flicker in them. Or maybe I'm just imagining things. She licks her lips, and her voice is quiet, almost hoarse, her tone deliberate and measured. "You should be with Beck. You don't want me."

I hate how easily she can confuse me. I don't know this Cat... this almost emotionless shell that just looks like her. "Cat..." I say helplessly, trying to articulate something I can't bring myself to say. I feel like if I look hard enough, I can see what's ticking through her head, see what the hell she's thinking.

"You don't want me." She repeats, as if I'm a child she's trying to explain something simple to. And maybe I am. "This..." Cat licks her lips, her gaze flicking to me, and the deadness of her eyes is like a slap, to see them so lifeless. "I'm a mistake. You know that." I can't help but acknowledge the truth in that, even if I don't want to. "It... nothing happened."

She's not doing this for her, I realise. She's giving me a chance here, a chance to stop whatever it is I feel for her before it's too late. And I'm not sure when it _is_ too late. She's giving me a chance to get away, to be with Beck like I should be. It breaks my heart a little. I've done this to her. I've killed her eyes, and made her cry and be not-Cat. I've broken her more, when all I wanted was to fix her. The logical thing is to go, to listen to her and be with Beck, be with sweet Beck who loves me, and who I can't hurt. At least, not like this. I know that if I stay, if I try to sort this out when I'm not even sure exactly what I want, I'll only hurt her, and myself, more.

I leave without kissing her, and I realise that I miss that, that I've become accustomed to that, to being able to kiss her without thinking. I feel worse than when I came here, and that's saying something. I'm even more confused too. I don't know what happened. I care about her, yes... maybe even in a romantic fashion... okay, so definitely in a romantic fashion, but that... that loss of control... I don't... that's never happened.

I sit in my car for a few minutes, my hands resting on the steering wheel. Cat wanted it. She wanted it as much as I did. I know that, I could feel that. I could _hear_ that. I shiver at the memory. Why did... why did she start crying? Was it because she still thought I was using her? No... she couldn't think that, could she? That's too heartbreaking... I can't... I can't think about that. And when she said she was a mistake... the way she said it... it seemed to encompass more than I understood. Hearing her talk about herself like that, as that shell... that vital spark was gone from her... that bubbly, chirpy girl was gone, and I missed her.

My mind is swirling, and I can't figure this out on my own anymore. I need to go to the person I've always gone to. The one person who can maybe shed some clarity on this shit for me. The person who I need to see something with, need to test something. I need to find out.

I go to Beck.

**A/N: You know why I write all these author's notes? In the hopes that if I make you laugh, you'll review. I've read other fics where the author blabs on about school, or how they wrote this at 3 am or whatever. I'm not knocking them, not at all, but I figure, if I can make someone laugh with my author's notes, I've earned my review. And maybe then it doesn't feel like such a chore.**

**Plus I get to show y'all what a comedic genius I am. Yeah... that's what I'm doing. Also because I do so love to ramble. I'm actually secretly influencing you (I believe it's subliminal messaging), the purpose of which you'll find out when your trigger word is activated (a common household substance).**

**So now that I've explained my master plan, you probably won't review, knowing my nefarious plan. To that, I say 'Fruity Oaty Bar' (you didn't think I'd just have one trigger word, did you? I even have one that makes you clean my house, 'cause... just... this place is a _mess_. Just awful.). Okay, so I just wanted to put that reference in. Now go beat some people up in a bar.**

**And it's also nice to see that no one knows the mystery of Cat... really. There _is_ one, believe me... I'm just not a hundred percent what it is yet. It's gestating inside my brain, fueled by Japanese beer (Sapporo!) and strawberries. Huh. I need to go grocery shopping. To the store! Oh... wait, it's like 1:30 in the am. Shit. I have work in like 6 hours. Why am I writing this? Why can't I think in my head? Anyway, I'll update in a few days... although if you review, it'll probably push this to the top of my list.**

**Anyway, I'm gonna get some sleep.**

**Review!**

**Another A/N: I... I'm so sorry for all that up there. I'd backspace it all but... eh. Anyway, I apologise, in my most sincere voice. We'll still be friends, right? _**


	13. Torn

**Disclaimer: Originality is hard, that's why I steal. By that I mean Victorious isn't mine.**

I pull up outside Beck's house, his RV in the driveway, and just sit there for a few minutes. What am I doing? I should be back there with Cat... I never should've left her. I just... I don't know what to do. I... I definitely have feelings for her, and it scares me a little. I... it's not what I planned. Maybe I could deal with, maybe I could go with it, but for Cat. She's given me a way out, even after all I've done to her... she's given me a chance to say it was mistake, a chance to run away back to Beck. Because she thinks that's what I want. What does she want? In all this, I've never... never asked her, and she's never said anything. But... before, when I came so close to... to fucking her, I thought... I _knew_ she wanted it too. If she could just... I don't know what's wrong with her. It scares me. And although it makes me feel like scum, which is nothing new really... I'm not sure if I can deal with that. I'm not sure if I want to. I- I'm scared, and I don't like it.

I get out the car wearily, and I can still smell her perfume on me everytime I move. It's not that I'm running to Beck because I can't deal... well, it is, but I'm not here to get back with him, at least, I'm not planning to. But my plans never seem to work, my current situation being a perfect example of that. I just... I need to talk to someone. I can't do this on my own anymore, I can't figure it out by myself. Beck's the only... he's the only person I've ever trusted, and he's the last person I should be talking to Cat about, but I don't know what else to do. It's my own fault really, for keeping people so far away from me, isolating myself, but I'll chastise myself for that later. Cat isn't a problem I can shove to the back of my mind and forget about, even if that's what she wants. Or thinks _I_ want. I don't know.

There's a chill in the air, and the last light is starting to fade. It feels appropriate, but I'm not sure how it got so late. It makes sense I guess... Sikowitz's class was the last of the day, and it'd been close to ending when I'd cornered Robbie, but it still feels unreal. It feels like my emotions are spilling out into the sky, staining it orange, pink, dark clouds scudding across like knitted eyebrows. Dramatic, I guess, but I'm an actress, what'd you expect?

I rap on Beck's door, regretting it already. I can hear the sounds of his television filtering through the metal walls. That's one thing I never liked about the RV – you can hear everything from outside. He doesn't take long to answer; and predictably, he doesn't look surprised. Beck's always played it cool. It's infuriating.

He leans against the doorway, looking down at me. "Hey Jade. What brings you here?"

I sigh and shoulder my way past him, moving to sit on his bed. "I have to talk to you." I can feel my heart racing, because this was a bad idea from the very start. Beck's sitting beside me, and I'm hoping he'll just let me get it out, because I'm so close to running, to wrapping this problem in chains and keeping it inside. I take a deep breath and look at him, and then Beck's leaning over, his palm smooth against my cheek, and his lips cool against mine. It seems a mockery that I can still taste Cat's lip gloss, even while Beck's mild, minty taste envelops me, and I find myself unreasonably sad that I'm losing Cat's taste. I can't help but think of her while I kiss Beck. I can't help but think of her in general, can't help but compare Cat's kiss to Beck's. It doesn't excite me like it used to, doesn't do anything to me but make me think of Cat, and how I'd like to be kissing her. And even though it's stupid, I shut my eyes tight and kiss Beck with all the enthusiasm I can muster, because it'd be so much easier if I could just love him again, could just forget about Cat. But I just can't feel it anymore. Whatever I had with Beck is gone, and I realise it'd been slipping for a while. I'd been pecking at him more and more, pushing him further and further away because something was wrong and I couldn't deal with it. I was falling out of love with him, and I was in vehement denial. Until now. I can't pretend anymore, because I have these feelings for Cat, and I can't pretend Beck makes me feel anything like that anymore.

Beck hasn't changed. His kisses are still gentle, still loving. It's me that's changed. The more I kiss him, the more I realise I'm not feeling anything. Why can't it be easy? Why can't I just love him?

I push Beck away firmly, my hand planted against his chest, and if it were me, I'd be getting angry and wondering what the fuck was going on, but Beck's not like me. That's why I loved him. He's just looking at me patiently, waiting for me to explain.

I don't know where to start. Where should I begin... where _can_ I begin? I can feel Beck studying me, his eyes taking everything in, peeling my skin back. "You were right you know." The voice is quiet, sober, and it takes me a moment to realise that it's me speaking. "I was just using her. Using Cat." I look up at him. "To get you back." There's a line running across his forehead, his eyebrows narrowed. He's not quite angry, just... disappointed that I've confirmed his suspicions. I lick my lips and continue, my mouth feeling dry. I have trouble opening up at the best of times, let alone with Beck looking at me disapprovingly. "When... when you asked me if I loved her... why did you? Ask, I mean. You knew. You knew I was using her. So why-"

Beck interrupts me, and his eyes seem huge in the flicker of light from the television, like an owl's in their intensity. "The way you acted around her Jade. I've never seen you like that. With anyone. With me. I thought... I knew you were using her, but... I don't know. The way you look at her... you never yelled at her, not once, no matter what she did. I didn't... I wasn't sure if you were still acting." A small smile quirks his face. "And it worked. I was jealous. I still love you Jade. I thought..." And his smile seems sad now, a hand rubbing over his chin. "I thought we were drifting apart, and I didn't know how to fix it."

I can feel my eyes prickling. It's not fair. None of it's fair. Everything I do just hurts someone – Cat, Beck... me. This whole thing... everything – it's my fault. All because I can't just love Beck. If I could just love him like I used to, like I always did... none of this would've happened. I wouldn't have hurt Cat. And I wouldn't have to hurt Beck.

"Beck..." My voice is barely above a whisper, and it feels like broken glass scraping across my vocal cords. It hurts to be this vulnerable. I don't know how Cat does it. "I don't know what to do."

Beck's staring at me, his brows furrowed in confusion, lifting as he comprehends. "Do... do you love her?" I almost jump as he takes my hand, thumb rubbing circles over my knuckles.

I look away, ashamed. Ashamed because all this was for nothing. If I could've just admitted to myself that I didn't feel the same about Beck, he could've been with Tori. He could've been happy. Maybe then I would've have used Cat, hurt her... gotten these feelings for her. Maybe Beck wouldn't have had to want me again. But I can't live in possibilities, especially because every one is better than the reality.

"I don't know." It's true. I don't know if I love her. If I do, it's a different kind of love than what I felt with Beck. It's a lot more fucked up. Loving Beck was a straight line. What I have with Cat is more like a heart monitor, and I have no way of knowing what's going to happen with her.

"But you have feelings for her." Beck probes, and I nod, taking solace in the fact that, besides the glow of the television, it's dark in the RV. Beck sighs, turning away from me. "You know, I saw it coming." He says simply. "You were moving away from me. I could feel it." I'm stunned. How could he know when even I didn't? But then, I was in denial. Still am a little. It's insulting to realise you know nothing about yourself, that you can hide so much from yourself. He smiles tightly. "I didn't know what to do. What can I do? You know," Beck turns back to me, "I was really angry about you using Cat. It wasn't you... it wasn't the Jade I fell in love with. It was this new Jade... the one that was angry all the time. But I saw you with Cat, and I saw the old Jade again. It made me jealous that Cat was the one who could do that, could make you yourself again when I couldn't. It reminded me of why I love you."

"Beck..." I don't know how to say it, to say that I don't love him anymore, but he nods, shrugging.

"I know." He lets go of my hand. "Look, Jade... I just want you to be happy, and if I can't be the one to do that anymore... then so be it. If you're happy with Cat, then be with her. I can't blame you for wanting to be happy."

Fuck. Fucking Beck. My eyes are starting to burn, tears mixing with my eyeliner as they spill down my face. Why does he have to be so good? Why does he have to understand? Why does everyone have to fucking understand? Why can't anyone blame me for anything? Why can't they get angry and yell? Why do I always have to be the bad guy? But then, it's a part I was born to play.

Beck pulls me into a hug, and just smelling him again, feeling his arms wrapped around me... it's so familiar, and it makes me sob harder because this is what my brain wants, it's what it's always wanted... but it's not what my heart wants. I almost hate him for being so good, for holding me and letting me cry, just accepting everything. The only time I've ever felt safe is when he holds me, and that much hasn't changed. I do still love him, more than anyone... but I'm not _in_ love with him anymore. It's changed, and I don't know how long ago it started to, but it's been coming for a while.

All of a sudden, I'm glad I came. It's more than I expected... understanding... a friend. I can't stop myself from sobbing harder. Beck's always gotten through my defenses, and there's so much more pent up now, things I've hidden, suppressed. Muddled, confused, wanting things. And it's all about Cat. And I realise... it always has been. I just couldn't see that.

**A/N: Thought I'd do something different and not hound you guys for reviews. But then I remembered, 'Oh yeah! I love reviews!' so... yeah, review.**

**I'd get my ramble on, as is quickly becoming my trademark (that and throat-punching, but that's unrelated to here... so far), but I've got quite the amount of typing to do. I just keep falling asleep, like... all the time. It's what I get for using my laptop in bed, but it's just so comfortable! Don't look at me like that... I have a magic mattress. Once you fall asleep, it's impossible to get up. One time, I came home from work and thought I'd sleep for a couple hours. I woke up twelve hours later. That sucked. I missed like... three meals. But I digress. To reiterate; typing = good, mattress = magic.**

**So review, and I will send you a scale replica of my magic mattress, complete with comatose me, and a miniature laptop. Note: three meals not included. Guaranteed twelve hours of fun, and then an emergency trip to the bathroom!**

**OMG! I almost forget. As in another of my fics, I present this small poll. If Cat were being bullied, who would you want to save her/defend her? Tori or Jade? If you've already said, you don't need to again. Although at this point I'll probably do both. So... you can vote for that as well, I guess. Yay democracy!**


	14. Love Is All In Capitals

**Disclaimer: I claim not this, Victorious.**

**A/N: Out of pure trivia, while writing the second half of this story, I was listening to Metamorphoses 1-5 by Philip Glass. He's an amazing composer for writing stuff like this. He just... makes me feel like such shit. In the best possible way. But also the worst. I'm so depressed now. Yeah... now.**

"So do you love her?"

"Love's a big word."

"It's only four letters Jade."

"Yeah, but they're all capitals." I snort, reclining on Beck's bed. I forgot what it was like to just spend time with him, to just hang out. It's comfortable. It's rare. It's weird, but he seems okay. He seems... happy for me, which is more than I am for myself. I don't know how he can be so cool about it, so calm. I don't know how he can keep from yelling at me, from covering his ears and humming. It's what I'd do. The smile from my face fades into a frown. "She's... she's not right." I start hesitantly, unsure how to explain.

Beck mirrors my frown. "What do you mean?"

I bite my lip, searching for a way to describe what's mostly a gut feeling. "You know how Cat seems like a ditz? How she's all happy and perky all the time?"

Beck's lips turn up in a faint smile. "Yeah. You used to complain about it."

I'm surprised at the pang of guilt I feel. "She's not. Not really, I think. I think... I think there's something wrong with her. Something..." I sigh, because I have no idea what I'm talking about. It's all supposition. The only real evidence I have is... is her crying when I... when... when I touched her. And that could've been for any number of reasons. I'm still kicking myself over leaving. I'm a coward, and I'm scared, and admitting it only makes it worse. "I don't know. She's... broken."

Beck looks at me, uncomprehending. "It's... it's like she's wearing a mask. Like she's trying to be a child, because... because... I don't know. It slips sometimes... the mask, and... she's fragile, Beck. I don't know what to do."

Beck looks at me solemnly. "Do you want her?"

My voice is barely above a whisper when I answer. "Yes."

Beck's jaw tightens for a moment before relaxing. "Then you should be telling her this. If you want to help her, ask. Whatever happened," I open my mouth to protest, but he cuts me off. "Look, I know _something_ happened, just because you're here. Uh, don't tell me what though. But whatever it was... it scared you. If you want her, you either need to deal with that or forget about her. Don't pretend it doesn't exist. It only gets worse the longer you leave it." He's talking about us now, staring at me. And he's right. I pushed away the fact that we were drifting apart, that that thing that held me to him so tightly was unravelling. I pretended it wasn't happening, and it's come to this.

He's right. He's always been right, and it's something I hate about him. And it's something I love about him. "What if... what if it's something I can't fix?" I say hesitantly, because giving voice to your fear doesn't lessen it, it only makes it more real, more tangible.

"Would you rather not try at all?"

I would. Part of me, anyway. The most selfish, base part of me wants nothing to do with this. It's all too hard, too difficult, and it's the most egotistical part of me. Frankly, I'm sick of it. It's a rotten seed in me that I've been letting germinate for far too long.

I know what I have to do, and I'm going to hate every step of it, but it's something I want... something I _have_ to do.

Cat's mom looks surprised when I come to the door, asking for Cat. She leads me to her daughter's room, studying me like I'm something she doesn't understand. "Cat doesn't have many friends over. She's kept to herself mostly." I nod politely. I understand all to well that Cat tends to live in her own little world. "She... she could use a friend like you sweetie." I almost snort. If her mom only knew what I'd been doing to her...

We reach Cat's door, a big, brightly coloured plaque with her name in Comic Sans on it. Cat's mom knocks lightly. "Cat dear, there's a friend here to see you!"

I see where Cat gets it; that false brightness. She's learned it off her mom, except Cat doesn't have that hardness underneath. Cat's still soft. She can still be hurt. Her mom's built a wall up, and she looks at everything from a distance. It makes it easier; I know, I do it too. But Cat... she's down there, in the heaving, seething mass, and it's suffocating her.

Cat opens the door, and much to my confusion, she's smiling. It's her usual gigawatt smile, and it's completely disarming, and I can't help but feel there's something I'm missing. Was I dreaming? Did I dream everything that happened between us? No one else makes me this unsure of myself. I've never... ever doubted myself before this. Before her.

Cat shuts her door softly as I cross to her bed, sitting down heavily. I feel my heart thud heavily as I see her lean against the door for a moment, her head bowed. She's gathering herself. It's an act; it's all an act, and I feel so stupid for never noticing. To just assuming she was ditzy, she was confused, she was airheaded. It was easy. She made it so easy to dismiss her.

Cat turns, and her smile is more subdued this time, and she sits at the head of her bed, tucking her legs up underneath her. "You came here to break up with me." She says it quietly, as a statement, as a fact, and she's so sure I start to wonder if that's what I was here for. "You didn't need to. It's nice, but you could've just... I would've assumed anyway..." The whole time that smile never leaves her face, just stays there, soft and sad. It's the most depressing smile I've ever seen, and it tears me to shreds.

"Cat... I'm not here to break up with you. I- I never should've left before. Cat... I... I'm not good at doing this." I take a deep breath. "I... I want to be with you. For... for real this time. I... I really like you," It seems inappropriate, to say that I like her... it doesn't feel right, but I can't adequately express myself in words. I wish I could see her eyes, but they're downcast, focused on her hands, and all I can see is her smile, her lips starting to tremble. "It's not about Beck anymore... it... it hasn't been for a while. Cat... I-"

"Stop." Her voice is shaking, and I catch a flash streak down her face. A tear... tears. She looks up at me finally, and her eyes are wide. "This is how it starts. It's how it... how it always starts." She ignores the tears spilling from her eyes, and I only wish I could do the same. "Don't do this. P-please."

She's making it so hard for me to breathe. What... what did I do? What have I done? "Cat... I'm not gonna leave. Not again. I want you."

"Please don't say that. Please, please." She's putting her hands over her ears, rocking back and forth, and I move closer to her, wrapping my arms around her. She's begging me even as she falls against me, murmuring the words over and over again, her tears dampening me, and I can't help but wonder, as I rock back and forth with her, my lips pressed against her hair. What broke her so badly?

I feel my doubt resolve as I hold her, feel her shiver in my arms and cling to me so desperately, even while she's begging me to let her go. I can't go. Not now. Whatever I was... whatever I became, it's gone. I'm not going to run from her, I'm not going to pretend. I'm going to find out what happened, and I'm going to deal with it. I'm not going to hurt her anymore. Because the things she's saying... they're breaking my heart. She's pretending, so hard, that she's happy. But this is her, this sobbing girl who's begging me not to love her.

I'm going to find out why. I need to. For her and for me.

**A/N: Please review. Can't give you an idea when the next chap will be out, but hopefully soon. Cat's mystery keeps shifting in my head, and I need to write it down. Good news is, I'm getting dialogue all the time. It's the monologues that are hard.**

**I know I'm usually all 'blah-blah-blah FUNNY!' but goddamn Philip Glass. You son of a bitch. I'd find you but I'm too fucking depressed to even move.**

**So review, and possibly give me Philip Glass' address. It's on, piano man.**


	15. A Mistake

**Disclaimer: If I owned Cat _or_ Jade... don't even get me started. But I don't, and slavery's illegal where I am. For now.**

She's warm, and small, and so soft. She's more like a cat than she knows. I don't know how long I've been laying here with her, but holding her... it feels so right. It makes me feel like the strong one, and I feel like I'm helping her, even though I'm pretty sure I'm not. I'm pretty sure I'm just making things even worse, but I don't want to leave her. Not again.

I'm weak. I know I am. I'm quick to anger, quick to jealousy, quick to lash out, especially at people I care about. But Cat's different. She's... she seems so open, even though I know she has all these secrets, and she's defenceless. She never fights back. I remember when we were learning stage fighting, and she did that demonstration with Russ. She was so grateful that he didn't hurt her, it's like she thought she deserved to be hit. She's so fragile, and she's gotten closer to me than I thought she had. She crept in under all my defences, just by being weaker than me, by thinking even less of herself than I did, and I never realised until now just how much I worried about her. She's like a child; she just can't protect herself. She's never built up that layer of resistance to the world, never gotten that thick skin. She feels everything.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Her voice is muffled, her face buried in my shoulder, and I'm surprised, because I thought for sure she'd fallen asleep.

"Hey, it's okay." I'm talking out of my ass here, but for once I'm using tact. It isn't okay, not by a long shot, but I don't know what to do about it. I don't know what's wrong, and I can't charge into it, which is what I'd usually do. I have to tiptoe, and hope that I trip over it in my sneaking.

Cat pushes herself away from me, and I let her go reluctantly, already starting to feel cold. "It's not." She says simply, in a soft voice, and I'm reminded again by how childlike she is, how uncomplicated she seems.

I sigh. "I know." I'm hesitant to broach the subject, but fuck, I'm already sick of tiptoe-ing. "Cat, before when we... wh-when you..." It's hard to say it to her face. Hell, it's hard to say at all. It's even hard to think it, let alone believe that I almost... that I came so close to fucking her. "...when you started crying." I finish lamely. "Why... why did you cry? Was... did I do something wrong?"

Cat shakes her head at me frantically, her eyes wide. "No! No, it's not you. It's just I-" She falters, looking uncomfortable, and it's like she's hit a barrier that she's afraid to cross. I can practically see the life fade from her face. It's chilling.

"Cat... what happened?" I'm trying desperately to animate her again, to get a spark from her dying eyes, and it works. She jerks like I've slapped her.

"You... y-you can't... I-" She stumbles over her words, and I see the tears well in her eyes. She's crumbling in front of me. "I don't want you to leave." She whispers, her voice shaking.

"I'm not gonna leave Cat. I... I wanna help you." It hurts me to find that I mean it. Hurts me because it means I care, and caring only leads to hurt. It's a vicious circle that's making me dizzy, but I put my hand over her own, trying to convey what my words doubtfully express. "Whatever it is, you can tell me." I'll admit, part of this is for me, for the intense curiosity she stirs in me with her behaviour. She's unlike anyone I've met, and not in a good way. I want to know why she acts the way she does, I want to know why she seems to hate herself so much. She's the kind of girl you can't imagine anything bad happening to, just because you yourself could never hurt her. She's just too innocent, too... too pure.

"Can... can I kiss you one more time?" Cat says in a soft voice, and her tone turns my breath liquid, it's so heartbreaking, and I nod soundlessly. Cat leans in, pressing her lips to me, and there's a fervour in it I can't help but reciprocate, a desperate longing that takes my breath away, and her lips are wet and salty from her tears. She lingers after, a hand pressed against my face as she rests her forehead against mine, eyes closed like she's trying to remember.

Cat pulls back finally, taking a deep breath, and there's such doubt in her eyes it tears me up. I've gone so long without feeling anything, just anger and jealousy, because it was easy, it was easy to overreact and lose myself in that anger, to take it out on people and push them away. It's hard, so, so hard to feel these things around her, this doubt, this longing... this... these feelings I have for her. It's so hard to let myself feel things, to keep from closing up again, but I want to. I want to with her. I don't want to be what I was. I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to be scared.

"Cat..." I say, seeing her hesitation, how hard it is for her to even think about this... thing. "You don't have to tell me."

She looks up at me, surprised. "No... I... I want to... it's just..." She smiles softly, shrugging helplessly. "I'm scared. I... I really like you Jade. A lot."

I'm dumbstruck. I mean... I guess I knew she liked me, otherwise why would she have agreed to be my girlfriend? It's just... it's a relief I guess, to know that I didn't just coerce her into being with me by force of my personality. I still don't get it though.

"Why?" The word slips out before I can stop it, but honestly, I have no idea why she'd like me at all. I never... I never really thought about her side of it that much. For the most part, I guess I just thought that I'd gotten her infatuated with me, just because I kissed her and touched her, and I didn't think anyone else had done that. But that's stupid... that's not enough. To be honest, I didn't really care about her side of things until very recently, and now I find myself caring too much. I've never been able to find a good balance.

Cat's soft smile grows wider, and it almost feels real for a moment, just at the corners. "You're nice to me. You get me. And... I just like you."

"Nice to you?" I splutter. "I'm not nice to you at all! I'm always insulting you!"

She nods simply. "I know. But not as much as everyone else."

I take a deep breath. What a fucked up scale to judge someone on. If they don't taunt you as much as everyone else, then that makes them the closest thing you have to a friend. She's right though, I do sort of get her. Part of her, anyway. I watch my words when I'm around her, because I know how thin her skin is, how much goes under and festers in her ego. I know, because I'm a little like that too, except I've built up defences against what people say, so eventually they stopped saying it, because my words hurt more than their words. Cat doesn't do that; she takes it in, absorbs it... accepts it as true, because why would someone say that to her if it wasn't true? 

"Cat... I don't get it. I'm not likeable... you shouldn't like me." I try to explain to her.

"It's not my fault. I can't help it. Besides, you're the one who shouldn't like me. You don't... not really, you just don't know it yet."

Great, the first feelings I get it a long time, and they're instantly dismissed. "Cat, I like you. For real. I'm not going to change my mind about that."

Cat bites her lip, brushing her hair back and tucking it behind her ears in a nervous gesture. "I keep trying to tell you!" She bursts out, her next sentence soft and directed at herself. "...I'm not trying hard enough. I'm so selfish..."

I grab onto her shoulders, trying to get her to look at me. "Hey! Cat! You're not selfish... I... well, I don't know what you are, but you're not selfish."

She nods fervently. "I am. I... I want you, so I'm not trying hard enough to make you see."

"See what, Cat?"

"That I'm... a mistake."

It's not the first time she's said that, and I don't mean that idea. No, she's said those exact words before. It's like she's repeating something she heard, something that she's come to think about herself, something that's been drilled into her, said so many times she can't get around it. Can't see that I want her. No, I must be mistaken, I couldn't want _her_. I mean, what is she? She's worthless, she's a mistake. And even just trying to imagine what her thought patterns are is sending a tremor of anger running through me. I wanna kick whoever made her think this so hard in the face that they're crapping teeth.

"Why do you keep saying that Cat? Why do you keep saying you're a mistake?" I try to keep my voice steady, keep the anger out of it. I partially succeed; I just sound annoyed, which is probably worse than sounding angry, but I can't completely take the edge out of voice. I'm expending far too much energy just trying to keep calm, just trying to stop myself from marching out and kicking some anonymous ass.

She sighs. "You won't _listen_-"

I cut her off. "No, Cat... I will, but you've gotta tell me everything. Please."

She falters, her eyes skittering away from mine, and I can tell she's close to caving. I move my hand onto her knee tentatively, and she looks down at it, a tortured look on her face.

"I don't want you to look at me like they do. Like... like I'm nothing. I wanna be something... I... I-"

The worst part is; I understand. I know what she's talking about, and I wish to God she didn't know. I've seen the way people look at her. They don't see her. Their eyes go straight through her, like she's not even there. It's worse than being ignored, because to be ignored, you have to be noticed and dismissed. She doesn't even get acknowledged. Not everyone did it at first, but then they got to know her... or thought they got to know her, and soon people started ignoring her, because of the things she said, or her mood swings. Soon they didn't even need to ignore her, they just automatically blanked her out of their vision, like she wasn't even there. But she noticed. Of course she noticed, and I can't even imagine how much it must hurt to be looked through. Like you're a ghost, and she's far too timid to stand up to them. To me. I think that's why she dyed her hair, in a desperate attempt to get someone to look at her. It only worked for such a short time, and I could see her withdraw even further into her little world, because it was the only place she got any respect.

"I don't want you to look through me like you used to." She says quietly, and she's almost cringing, like she expects me to hit her for daring to say she wants something from me.

It makes me feel sick. And angry. Angry at myself for being so stupid. I realise now, looking back, that I was always observing her. I couldn't know this much about her if I didn't. I always pretended she was nothing, but I always kept her there, on the periphery of my vision, like she was some spider on the wall I was keeping an eye on, making sure it didn't move too close to me. I saw her get hurt, again and again, shrinking further and further back into herself, and I did nothing. All those years, and I did nothing. And then Tori came along, and made Cat happy again. At least until Tori got sick of her. Sure, Tori's her friend, but Tori's got a temper, and a tendency to yell. It always made me sick to see her apologise offhandedly to Cat, and to see Cat's eyes light up, the hurt in them pushed deeper inside. Tori never learned to watch what she said to Cat, never made the effort to. Sure, she's Cat's friend, but only because she never chased Cat away. She treats her like a sidekick in 'The Tori Show'. I was... a little jealous of them too. I was the closest thing Cat had to a friend besides Robbie, and he insulted her more than I did, just through a puppet. I didn't protect her, but I didn't attack her either. It doesn't make me a good person; it makes me worse than everyone else, because I caught glimpses of what she was, and I did nothing. I tried to gloss over it; I tried so hard not to see her too.

"Cat... I was stupid. You're not nothing. I can't ever not see you. You're something to me." I stumble over my words, and they sound so trite when they come out, and they're not how I feel inside, but they're as close as I can get to it. "Please." I say softly. I can fix her, if she'll just let me. Or, at the very least, I can try. And I want to try.

"Okay." Her voice is barely audible, and I lean in to hear it, my breath held, because even just the sound of my breathing is loud enough to drown her out. "I'll tell you."

**A/N: Please oh please, I beseech you to review! If you don't I'll be sad and put on a fake mustache that droops to express that feeling. I don't have time to express emotion, I need my face for deadpanning, so props is all I got.**

**Now, since I've written y'all such a gripping tale of something or other, y'all can do me a favour. Don't worry, it's nothing sexual. This time. No... if you review (what am I saying 'if'? You're basically a thief if you don't... everyone knows that! "You wouldn't steal a car, you wouldn't steal a handbag, you wouldn't steal a fanfic?")**

**Just please to tell me what you like, what parts, what characterisation, what EVER. And I promise to send you double rainbows, all the way across the sky. That's a FULL rainbow.**

**Also, as the mystery of Cat is set to unfurl in the next chapter, now is your very last chance for some input. I'm dangerously open to ideas, so if you have an inkling, or a theory, PM me and let me know. Who knows, you might see something I don't.**


	16. Cat's Secret

**Disclaimer: Victorious is owned by people. People who aren't me.**

**You may ignore the following and just go straight to the story. I give you permission. I won't be mad, I swear.**

**A/N: If I may, let me just say that I am from Australia. As such, I use Australian spelling with a few exceptions (such as mom), so that means I use an 's' in words such as realise, etc. etc. While I thank y'all for pointing out my errors, I choose to stick with my standard spelling, and I make sure all my stories are scrupulously well-spelt. If I can't spell it, I won't type it, and I hope we can all learn to live with these one-letter-different words, and come together as a great multicultural family. Or y'know, I'll hit you in the face with a koala bear. Whatever.**

Cat's looking down at her hands, clasped in her lap, and I reach over, taking one and entwining my fingers with hers. She takes a deep breath, her eyes closed.

"I... I was thirteen," She begins, and her voice is so quiet, so soft, I lean in to hear it, and her voice is like soft silk, rustling into my ears, and I can't help but remember that tears ruin silk, that it's so easy to stain it, destroy it. "My parents... they..." She gestures around her room, a broken smile on her lips. "I was their little girl." She sniffs. "I was spoiled rotten. I got everything I wanted. They even got me a pony. I can't even ride a pony. They didn't treat my brother that way." My eyebrows furrow. To be honest, I'd completely forgotten she even had a brother, but then, I'd never really wanted to know much about her life until now.

"They wanted a girl. That's what they always wanted. They... they always told me I was special. But... but when I was thirteen I... he was my brother's friend. I kinda had a crush on him. He always sort of made fun of me, but y'know, in a nice way. Almost like you. My brother used to tease me about it. I guess... I guess he told him, 'cause he asked me out one day."

Cat gets a faraway look in her eyes, a wistful smile on her face, and I hold onto her hand tighter. I've seen her drift away before, but this time I'll be her anchor.

"He was so nice. The first time he... the first time he kissed me..."

She shakes her head.

"My brother didn't know. No one knew. He said it was a secret, that if I told anyone it wouldn't be special anymore. That it would mean I didn't love him. But I did, I did love him. When... when everyone at school would make fun of me... I could just think of him, and know that I was gonna see him again, and he'd make everything better. H-he said he loved me. No one... no one's ever said that to me before, besides my parents, and they don't count. He used to kiss me, and touch me, and it made me feel funny. And not a good kind of funny. He'd just say that if I loved him, I'd let him, that it was what grown ups did. And then one day he... he put his hand i-into my underwear and- and it hurt. I told him it hurt but he said it'd feel good, that it was supposed to hurt at first. But it always hurt. I-it never felt good."

I can see the hurt in her, the confusion as she relives what she's tried so hard to suppress, and it starts to make sense. I start to understand, and it makes me sick. Her face, her heartbreak... it's twisting my heart to pieces, and I want her to stop, but I need to know.

"He told me to touch him as well, so I did. I-I wanted to make him feel good, to show that I did love him. I thought it was cute how he seemed so insecure. He always said I didn't love him. I remember... that day you said... that day you teased me. It... it hurt Jade. It hurt me so much."

My heart lunges as she looks at me, tears shimmering in her eyes, her voice quavering. There's nothing I can say. She knows I'm sorry, but it doesn't change the past, doesn't take away the hurt of that moment. I know, I saw her when I said it. It doesn't make a difference that I didn't know any better. I still hurt her, and being sorry now doesn't make everything better. You can't change the past.

"I thought... you were always kind of nice to me. You helped me do math one time, and I thought... I thought you were my friend."

Cat puts a hand to her chest, as if she's trying to hold this hurt in, but I can see it spilling out between her fingers.

"I- I said I'd prove I loved him, that I'd show him how much he meant to me. I didn't wanna lose him. He-he was all I had, after... after you..."

I swallow hard. It was such a small thing. Such a tiny thing. One sentence, spoken to her face, just to make some other kids laugh, to stop them saying that I was that 'freaks' friend. It's such a tiny thing, but it snowballs. It all counts.

"So I... I slept with him. And it hurt even more than when he'd touch me, but I didn't mind, because he held me afterwards and said he loved me so much. He said he couldn't live without me, that I was the only one. My-" She licks her lips, hesitating. "My dad found us. I'd never seen him so... so angry. It's like something snapped in him." She makes a snapping motion with her hands and I flinch. "And he wasn't my daddy anymore. He- he called me a w-whore." Her voice breaks.

"They arrested him. F-for statutory rape." Cat looks up at me. "I got to see him one last time. I told him I was sorry, th-that I loved him a-and he hit me." She puts a hand to her cheek. "He called me a stupid bitch who couldn't keep her mouth shut. That I w-was a slut, and that he probably wasn't the only guy I'd ever f-fucked."

I can't move. I want to hug her, want to comfort her, but I just can't move. I'm paralysed.

"They... they took me out of school. They said I needed time." Her face is blank, her eyes staring straight ahead. "I could see it though." Cat says it wonderingly, glancing at me. "I could see it in their eyes. They looked at me differently. I j-just wanted to... just wanted to have my mommy tell me everything was gonna be okay. I tried to talk to her and she just shut down, like a robot. Just flick!" She mimes flicking a switch. "And the lights go off. Daddy... he didn't even look at me. Wouldn't even talk to me. They just... just cut me off. I- I try so hard to show them. But they won't.. they won't..." Her shoulders shake as she breaks down, putting her head in her hands and sobbing quietly.

I get it. I finally get it, and it's so much worse than I thought. She's alone. Not because she's off in her own little world, not because she doesn't need anybody. Because there's no one there, because everyone's pushed her away. She's still trying to be that little girl who lost her parents and her innocence all at once. She's kept herself a child, tried so hard to keep herself in that time before... before everything went wrong. Cat's in her own little world because it's the only place she can feel okay, the only place where she can forget, can distract herself from that pain. But it seeps through.

"It's my fault. I ruin everything..." Cat murmurs quietly, staring at her tear-wet fingertips.

"Cat... no," Her room is a constant reminder of what she's lost. Her childhood, her parents... her first love. She can't help but blame herself... who's ever told her any different? My voice comes out harsher than I intended, and I'm feeling this fury flicker in me, rooted deep and starting to catch flame. I remember what her mom said to me when I showed up, like she didn't have a clue why Cat didn't have any friends. Fuck. This is why I hate people, they never take responsibility. Her parents can't accept that she's changed, that she's not their little girl anymore, and that she's hurting. All she wants is for her parents to love her, to tell her that everything's gonna be okay, and that it'll stop hurting. It's such a small thing, but they won't do it. They're her _parents_ for christ's sake.

"Cat..." But where do you start? What piece do you put into place first? I sigh. "C'mere." I kiss the side of her head, her hair sticking to my lips, and she seems so frail when I take her into my arms, her body limp. She needs a mother, she needs someone to care about her. If I had've known, when this whole thing started, and it started a lot further back then I knew... I wouldn't have bothered. It's harsh, but it's true. I don't need this kind of shit, this kind of drama. I don't want to get bogged down in someone else's problems. I just wanted to get my boyfriend back, I just wanted to be above everyone, to be able to distance them from me and say I don't care. But she's _so_ broken, and she can't fix herself, no matter how hard she tries to pretend. I didn't want to care, I didn't want to deal with this... but I do care, I do want to help her. She's made me care, and usually that's enough for me to hold against her, but she doesn't want me to care. She thinks everything about herself that I would've thought. That she isn't worth it, that she's too much trouble. And it makes me see how much of a... a monster I am. It's jarring, to see her treat herself like I realise I'd been treating her.

Cat pushes herself away from me. "P-please don't tell. When... when you go."

I take her face in my hands, tilting her head towards me. "Cat. Listen. I'm not going, okay?" I try to force a smile, just to emphasise my point. Smiling has never really worked for me. "Cat... what happened to you... it's fucked up. It's not your fault." She takes a breath as if to interrupt, and I shake my head, cutting her off. "It's not. You don't deserve any of this. Everyone... everyone's just treated you like crap. Me included. You shouldn't take this... you deserve better."

Cat won't look at me. It's like she's trying not to listen, like the words are so foreign to her she's just ignoring them. She seems to realise one thing though. "You're... you're staying?"

I stand, tugging her up with me. "Actually no. You're coming with me."

"Wh-where?"

I shrug. "I don't know. My house? Anywhere but this snake pit." They've already injected enough poison into her.

**A/N: Anti-climatic, huh? I hope not, anyways. Review, and tell me what you think (as long as it's overwhelmingly positive). **

**Reviews are very important, you see, because writing is a lot like eating a pizza. It's great when you first get it, and you're all 'om nom nom' and it's hot and everything, but then it gets cold and you're like 'ugh... I no longer feel like eating this pizza. My enthusiasm for it has cooled'. And then you see it lying on the counter the next day and you're like, 'gross, this pizza is old and unoriginal, and I no longer know what to do with it'.**

**Reviews are the microwave of this extended analogy.**

**So keep my pizza delicious and review.**


	17. Mushy

**Disclaimer: I had a dream... it wasn't about Victorious. But can you imagine if it was? Ooooo spooky! Well... not really. I don't own it, no. If you didn't get that. By now. After all these chapters. There's a lot of them. Still don't, no.**

Cat's quiet on the way to my house. Usually she's fiddling with the radio, singing along to the bits she knows and humming the bits she doesn't. I miss that Cat. She was annoying, but she was fun. This Cat... the real Cat, I think, is quiet, and sombre. I think she's still waiting for me to kick her out, to tell her to fuck off because she's a waste of space. She flinches every time I look over at her, like she's waiting for a blow that never comes. She's so reticent without her mask. It was all I could do to get her shut up for even a moment just a few days ago, and I actually wish she was like that again, as much as it got on my nerves. I think it was more a distraction for her anyway... some of that brightness, some of the chatter... it rang false. Still, I'd rather that sometimes-jarring enthusiasm to this cringing silence. I take my eyes off the road for a moment and glance at Cat, feeling for her hand. I entwine my fingers with hers, and I see the hint of a smile curve her lips before I look back to the road, and I smile to myself. It feels right. She squeezes my hand, covering it with her other one, and that air of awkwardness, of waiting for something terrible to happen dissipates.

My mind is still processing everything she told me, joining the dots together, and I'm starting to see the full picture. He was arrested. For statutory rape. I don't... I don't think they do that unless there's a significant age difference. The thought of some guy, even a guy who's our age now... the thought of someone touching Cat, of saying those things to her when she was so fragile, when she was just forming her ego... I grit my teeth. It pisses me off so goddamn much, but I try to internalise it and stay calm. Her holding my hand is helping, her thumbs rubbing in little circles over my knuckles. Mostly I'm chastising myself. For... well, for everything. For being too interested in being normal, in fitting in to be friends with her. I never felt good about that day, when I called her those names... but I never realised just how much of a betrayal to her it was. The worst part is, I did like her. We _were _sort of friends, until my 'real' friends confronted me. I chose the safe side of the fence. I took up a flaming torch and joined the villagers in rallying against her. With what I know about her now... even what I knew about her then... it must've hurt her so much. I saw how much it hurt her, and I wish I'd had the courage to take it back, or to never do it at all. I wish... I wish a lot of things, but none of them are for her to change, and I realise it's never really bothered me. Her random musings, her childishness... sure it's annoyed me, but I've never thought to myself, 'I wish she was normal'.

Cat was... well, she scared me a little. She was so herself, so unafraid to say whatever came into her head. She didn't seem to care what anyone really thought of her, or, at the very least, she never changed herself to meet their expectations. I was scared because I thought that being around her... it'd make me realise how much I suppressed myself... my feelings, my emotions, even my own opinions. I forced myself into this strong, bitter, impermeable force, who no one dared fuck with, who everyone feared, but no one really liked. It was safer that way, to tell myself I didn't care what anyone thought, when really I made myself into what I was _because_ I cared too much. The irony is, I thought Cat was the opposite of me, so open and honest, when really she was more like me than I realised. She kept herself a child for her parents, in some desperate attempt for their love, and she blurts out whatever flits through her mind to keep it that way, to suppress all the wolves that circle her. It makes me wonder; at what point do you stop pretending, and actually become that person? At what point do you forget why you started acting this way? Cat's the best actress I've ever known; she's kept an act up for so many years now, all the time. Maybe if someone had looked closer, they might've got it, might've seen the hairline cracks running through her, but nobody bothered. We both pushed people away, both pretended to be something we're not, and we both became that something a little bit. We exaggerated our own personalities in an attempt to forget the weak people we are, to keep ourselves safe from ourselves.

Maybe that's why I like her. Maybe that's why I kept myself apart from her... because she was so much like me. If I got to know her... if I got to... to love her, I'd have to look at myself, and I didn't want to do that. I still don't, but it's far too late now.

We pull into my driveway, the house dark. My parents and I lead separate lives... they're off visiting some relative I hate. Not that I don't love them... and I know they love me, it's just... I hold myself apart from them. I see parts of them in me, and talking to them is too much like talking to myself. Plus, I'm a teenager, and not a particularly cheery one. I like my privacy. We all need secrets.

I kill the lights, the engine ticking over softly, and we're left sitting in the dark and quiet. The rasp my keys make as I pull them out grates into the air, and I can feel my ears straining, trying to hear over the silence. I let go of Cat's hand, opening the car door and climbing out, the cold night air hitting me like a slap. I hear Cat opening her door slowly, her shoes making a shuffling sound on the concrete. My eyes adjust finally, and I cross around the front of the car to her, putting an arm around her shoulders. Her bare skin is cold, and I wish I'd gotten her to bring a jacket or something. I shepherd her inside, and I can feel her start to shiver as I close the front door behind us. It's only marginally warmer inside. It's odd... but the darkness feels intimate. It's like because I can't see, I can only feel, that Cat's so much closer to me than she is. I can sense her, my ears picking out her breathing, my nose picking up her perfume. It's a reminder of how much vision distances us. I can't see how close Cat is to me, can't gauge the distance... all I can do is feel her, and hear her, and smell her. I'm hesitant to turn on the lights. I feel so close to her like this, and I can't see the hurt in her eyes in the dark. Her hand grazes across the front of my stomach, tentative and searching, and she's looking for me because she can't see. Her hand stops on my waist, and I turn more towards her, expecting her to say something, to break this silence of us breathing. Her other hand moves to my waist, sliding over the material of my shirt, her fingers on the hem, one touching my bare skin. She lets out a long exhale, moving closer to me, and I can feel my breath catch. I don't think she's going to say anything. Her lips find mine with difficulty, brushing together accidentally before returning. She's kissing me, softly and sweetly, and it's completely unexpected. She's hesitant at first, like she's expecting me to pull away, but I move my own hands onto her clumsily, pulling her closer, pressing my lips to hers insistently. I'm startled by how much I want this, by how much I'm melting into her. I care about her, and I want to help her, but this is something different. It's not about what I can do for her... it's about what she does to _me_. I can feel my control... my strength slipping away, my heart speeding up in my chest until it's making me dizzy. Cat pulls away with a sigh, and I lick my lips dazedly, leaning back against the door for support. It's addictive; kissing her... she hits my bloodstream like a drug, makes my veins burn.

"I really l-like you Jade." Cat says softly. She hugs me, burrowing her head into my shoulder, and the sincerity of it surprises me. "You're making it so hard." She's different from everyone else. She hasn't built those filters around herself, the ones that stop the truth coming out, the ones that make sure we don't say anything to make ourselves vulnerable, open to rejection. It always disarms me, and I never know what to say. I have those filters, and they're too effective for me to break through.

"Cat... you know who I am." I start, talking into her hair, strands tickling my nose with every breath. "I'm not nice, I'm not friendly and I'm not subtle. I wanna help you Cat, I do."

She raises her head off my shoulder. "But wh-"

I cut her off. "I'm not doing this because I'm a nice person. I'm not doing this out of the goodness of my heart. I'm not an altruistic person Cat. I'm doing this for myself. I want you Cat. I like you... a lot. I'm helping you... I'm staying with you because I want something. I want you." This is why I have those filters. When I tell the truth... I always sound like such a douchebag. I guess I am... it's the truth, I'm not helping her because she's a wounded dove, I'm helping her so I can have her. So I can date her. Like a house; she's a fixer-upper. It's not a nice thing to say, and it's not something you should admit to, but if it helps her understand why, if it helps her believe that I'm not gonna run away, that I'm not here out of some sense of guilt, or pity, then maybe I can actually start to help her.

"You want... me?" Her voice is slow and incredulous, and I try to look at her face instinctively, only able to catch the outline of her profile. "Only me? Me, Cat?"

Of all the things to take from my little speech, she chose that. It's the easiest part to answer at least, and a little smile creeps across my face. "Only you." I squeeze her arms for emphasis. "You, Cat."

Her fingers play with the hem of my shirt absentmindedly, her fingertips raising goosebumps everytime they brush my skin. "Why don't you lie to me?"

Cat's question catches me off guard. "What?"

"Everyone says it's going to be okay. Everyone says they don't want anything, they just want to help. They look at me and they look sad. You do too but... it's different. Why don't you lie?"

She sounds genuinely curious, and honestly, I don't really know. I lie all the time, just mostly to myself. "I... I don't know. You just... you don't deserve to be lied to." It's true... seeing that plaintive confusion in her eyes when she's trying to figure out whether you mean what you say, or if you're just trying to trick her... it's heartbreaking. It's like kicking a kitten – it might make you feel powerful, but you feel so ashamed afterwards.

"I don't?" Cat's hands still, resting just under the hem of my shirt, her palms flat on my skin. It's incredibly distracting. She expects to be lied to; it's all anyone's ever done. That scumbag that said he loved her... well, that turned out to be a lie. Her parents, who made a lie out of their love when they just switched it off so suddenly. Hell, even the students, even the fucking teachers at school – they lie to her, just because it's easier than having to deal with her outbursts. I try not to lie... they're too many strands in a web I can't keep together. I can't blame them though, for lying to her, about parties, about her performances, about why she didn't get the part in plays. She upsets easily, and nobody wants to deal with that. I understand, but it doesn't make it okay.

"I'm sorry." I say suddenly.

Cat tilts her head. "For what?"

"For all the people who never said that to you." I groan, trying to shift the heavy mood that's settled in around my shoulders. "Ugh, when did I get so mushy?"

Cat giggles. "I like mushy Jade." She pokes my stomach, taking a hand off my waist. "She's just for me."

As I fight her off prodding fingers, growling at her... I hate to admit, but I love this. And she's right. She's the only person I'd say this stuff around, apart from Beck, and that was only when I was feeling unusually insecure. I am 'just for her' now.

I can't stop myself from laughing as Cat's attack turns to tickling, trying to push her off me. It's impossible in the dark, and it's been so long since I felt this... light-hearted, this... excuse the pun – gay. It's been a long time since I felt this... happy. Even in this sadness, even though we're both so flawed, and she's so broken, and I don't even know if I've got the tools to fix her... we can still forget for a little while. It doesn't all have to be sadness and worry. It gives me hope, makes me smile embarrassingly wide. And as I catch Cat's wrists, raising them over her head and finally stopping her assault, I start to think that maybe this can work. Maybe it won't be as hard as I thought to be with her. As I kiss her, letting her wrists go and circling my arms around her, I realise it doesn't matter. Hard or easy, I want to be with her. For moments like these... I'd do anything.

**A/N: Wow. That feels an awful lot like an ending. I mean... it's not, but it sure does sound like one, doesn't it? I guess I'm just clumsy at changing the mood. This fic, while deliciously angst-y (providing 37% of your recommended daily angst requirement), needs a little light, if only for contrast. Plus a sex scene. If you guys think that's appropriate. I mean, I'm totally for it... I've been waiting a long time in this fic to do one. But if it's not the right time, or you have a headache, I'll totally understand, 'cause I'm cool like that.**

**You know what you should do, right? You should review, and let me know. Because as we all know, silence means consent*.**

***Silence does not mean consent. Consent means consent.^**

**^Except on opposite day, where no means yes. But silence still doesn't count, unless... you know, it's like a really negative silence where you're all frowning and mouthing 'no'. Then it sort of does. But not really.**


	18. The Scratching Post

**Disclaimer: Victorious... I would've named it something way cooler than that if I owned it. Like 'The Fighting Mongooses'. Awesome.**

**A/N: Here's some fun and useless trivia (and really, is there any other kind?). I write the disclaimer last! It goes; chapter, bottom A/N, disclaimer. How 'bout that? The more you know.**

**I like to think of it as putting a tophat and spats on a cat (the chapter). Why? Because shut up! That's why! .**

"Hey Cat," I say, breaking the silence. We're still in the dark... and I know it's weird, but Cat hasn't said anything, and frankly... I've always preferred darkness. It feels... safer, like when you put a towel over a bird's cage or something and it calms it down. I'm like that. There's probably some subliminal womb message in there... but I'm not going near that. "Why do you just let people... insult you?" It feels like a stupid question, but it's one I can't fathom the answer to. I can't see why she doesn't get angry, why she doesn't fight back, or, at the very least, hold it against them. Hell, I would've punched Tori a dozen times over for some of the stuff she's said to Cat.

I hear Cat shuffling in the dark, and then she's squirming up alongside me on my bed, so that her face is next to mine. She seems more relaxed... maybe she likes the darkness too. It hides things, and that's something we both need. We both have things to hide. "I don't know." She says, and I can feel her shrug, my hand moving to rest on the curve of her hip. "I guess they have a point. I mean, why would they say that stuff if it wasn't true?"

"To hurt you. To make themselves feel better." I try to explain, and it's killing me that she's this down on herself, that this is really how she thinks every time someone says something nasty to her. That she deserves it, that they're right.

"Why would it make them feel better? Is that why you do it Jade?" Her fingertips tiptoe along my arm, and her voice is quiet and simple. She's unpredictable. With anyone else, there's things they never say. It's called decorum, it's called politeness. There are a dozen different names for this thing Cat doesn't have, but I do, and it makes it hard to answer, to match her honesty. Most of the time, if people ask things like that they're trying to find a weakness, trying to find a chink in your armour... but not Cat. She actually wants to know, and it's a rare thing when someone cares about you and not what you can do for them.

"I... no. It doesn't make me feel better. It... it makes me feel s-safe." I falter on the last word, because to articulate it makes it real, makes me have to think about it, sort through it, and it's something I really don't want to do. I don't want to examine all the poor decisions I've made, but I have to sometime, and it may as well be with someone I think I can trust. No, I _know_ can trust. "It's a pre-emptive strike."

"But nobody makes fun of you Jade." Cat says, confused.

"Why do you think that is?" I ask wryly.

"Because... oh. Because you'll destroy them socially."

I nod, feeling stupid when I realise she can't see me. "People don't hit you if they know you can hit harder."

"Oh." Cat's voice is soft, and I feel her breath exhale against my chin. "So everyone's just hurting each other so they don't get hurt?"

I frown. "I... I guess so?"

"I wish I could do that."

I trace my fingertips over Cat's cheek, leaning forward and finding her lips in a soft, lingering kiss. "I don't." I hear Cat make a soft, questioning noise and I smile. "I don't want you to be like them. Like me."

"Why not?" I can feel Cat smile as I kiss her again, her lips turning up against mine.

"'Cause you're better than them." Cat snorts a little. "We're fu-" I stop, remembering that Cat hates curse words. "We're animals, just clawing at each other, trying to pretend we're strong when we're not."

"But you are strong. You're the strongest person I know." Cat protests.

"I just have the sharpest claws. Cat... I'm sorry. For... for all the times I made fun of you. For... for the first time I made fun of you."

Cat kisses me shortly. "It's okay." She says brightly. "You were just trying to feel safe. You didn't want other people clawing you. Right?"

Cat's the scratching post. She's what everyone uses to start, because she doesn't fight back. Sure, she gets upset and cries, but that just proves it's working. She's what people use for training... she's a safe target. If you can hurt her, then you're on your way. And she never holds it against you, so you don't feel that bad – she always gets over it. It becomes automatic after a while... you're always on your guard, always on the defensive until eventually it switches to the offensive, and you're the one who everyone's guarding against. You snap at Cat and expect her to snap back, but she never does, and it's an unflattering mirror to be put up against, to realise what you've become.

"It doesn't make it okay. I shouldn't have done that. You didn't deserve that. I... I'm sorry." Cat's hand pushes against my shoulder, and I let her push me onto my back, and then she's straddling me, her lips finding mine soon after. And it's not just a light kiss... it's not just a 'I'm kissing you because I can, and I want to, so I am' sort of a kiss. She's kissing me in soft, fervent little bursts, breaking away only to gasp in a short breath. I'm surprised... I didn't... I don't... she's overwhelming me, a hand moving to cup my breast and caress over the clothed flesh. She's everywhere at once... her hands, her thighs, her tongue, her whole goddamn body is working against me, and I'm finding it hard to resist. Why does this keep happening? I mean, I know we're teenagers and all, but why can't I control myself? I never had this problem with Beck... well... only after we got back together after breaking up, but this is different. There are very good reasons why neither of us should be doing this. Reasons that I'm finding it hard to think of suddenly. My hands find their way to the backs of her thighs, and I push up against her, half sitting up. "C-Cat," I manage to gasp in between kisses, my lips feeling flushed and over-plumped from her ministrations. Cat makes a soft noise in response, continuing her assault with vigor, her hands now snaked under my shirt and touching over my bra. It makes my breath catch, and my resolve falters. Her thumbs flick over my clothed nipples and I jerk against her, my breath stuttering even more as I suppress a moan. "Hng... Cat..." This isn't working at all. She seems to like me saying her name, and I admit, it isn't coming out as 'Cat, stop right now'... it's more like, 'Cat, take me now'.

It takes a huge effort, but I manage to grab her arms, and it gets her attention enough that she pulls back, slightly breathless. It takes me a moment to recover myself, before I can say, "Cat... what are you doing?" I try to keep my voice soft, because even just asking her something like this... it can hurt her. She gets offended so easily, and it's not surprising really... most of what's said to her is meant to offend. I'm surprised when she doesn't say anything, her hands moving reluctantly from under my shirt. "Cat?" I'm still waiting for an outburst, for her trademark, 'What's that supposed to mean?', and it scares me a little that it's not coming.

"You... you want me to stop?" Cat's voice is quiet and hesitant, and although it's starting to kill my back sitting like this, I sit up a little further, trying to get closer to her.

"No... yes. I... it's just before..." She's scattered my thoughts, and I'm finding it hard to collect them again, tasting her on my lips... in my mouth. "I... I don't wanna upset you like before. I didn't think you'd _want_ to so soon after..." I'm struggling here. Tact is not my strong suit, and I wish I could talk like her; just blurt things out without any difficulty.

Cat sits back. "Oh." I'm finding the fact that she's still straddling me _incredibly_ distracting, and it doesn't help that her hands have splayed themselves on my stomach. God. Even when she doesn't mean to, she drives me crazy. I've never wanted... I've never had such a strong urge before. It's ridiculous. I... I must really like her. I mean, duh! But I'm not feeling this way just because she's hot. Beck was hot and he never... I don't know. My mind's not functioning at it's best. Suffice it to say that my body knows a lot more about how it feels than my mind does. "O-okay."

I furrow my eyebrows. She... she sounded almost guilty, but why...

"I just... I just wanted to..." Cat sighs, moving off me, and I turn to face her.

"What? What is it?" She definitely sounds guilty. That's it. Darkness is fine, but I need to see her face. I move off the bed and flip the switch, barely waiting for my eyes to adjust before I sit back beside her, my eyes running over her face. Her eyes flick up to mine, her pupils expanding, and she looks... guilty.

"I was being selfish."

"What? How?" I swear, sometimes talking to her is like a mindfuck. Her thoughts are so twisted... her logic so skewed... I can't see where she could feel guilty about something I was obviously into. I can't see how she was being selfish, but then, I haven't been through what she has. Her brain doesn't make any sense to me, and all I can do is flounder about and hope I can start to understand her.

Her gaze skitters away from mine, her eyes downcast, and she bites her lip, chewing on it. "I wanted to remember you. I-I wanted to have _you_. Just for tonight. Just for... me."

It's like digging through a brick wall with a teaspoon. She still thinks I'm going to leave her. Cat thinks she's selfish because she wants me, and she's so goddamn sure I don't want her, that I'll snap out of whatever phase I'm in. She thinks she's taking advantage of me, but she doesn't know me that well then. Being told, even if it's not in direct words, that I can't do something, only makes me want to do it more. I'm stubborn like that. So Cat thinking that I couldn't possibly care about her, that I _must_ be under some sort of spell... it only makes me more determined to prove her wrong. And I do so love to be right.

"Cat what do I have to do to prove to you that I'm not going to leave you?" I say, exasperated. Just because I'm determined doesn't mean it's not frustrating.

Cat looks surprised. "No... it's.. it's not that I don't trust you. You don't have to prove anything to me. It's just... people say they want you, and later they... they don't. I just... I really like you Jade. I... I don't want you to go."

"Don't I get a say in this?" I feel sympathy for her, I truly do, but I'm getting a little tired of being told what to do, of how to feel.

"T-that's not what I meant..." Cat says sadly. She struggles with her words too, I realise. Whereas I can't say the words, Cat has trouble saying them properly. Mine are filtered too much, and hers are too spontaneous. Mine don't come out, and hers don't come out right. Another similarity between us, and all of a sudden I don't wish I could just blurt things out like her. It's harder to be misunderstood than it is to never say anything at all.

I sigh. "I know. You need to give me a little more credit Cat."

"It's just easier to think of you leaving. That way it won't hurt as much wh..._if _you do. I can say goodbye then, I'll be ready." She has a point, and it just makes it so much harder. It _is_ easier to think of someone like that... you're prepared then. For her to trust me, like she's trusted her parents, like she trusted that douchebag, when she _does_ really like me... if I turn out to be like them, and she has no reason to think I won't, then it'll crush her. She's cracked as it is, and I could easily be the final blow that shatters her. I can't say I wouldn't act the same. She's had the three most important people in her life reject her. Her parents, whose one job is to love her no matter what, and her first love, who held such power over her. A first love is potent, it awakens emotions that you've never felt before, and to have those burgeoning emotions that are so strong, so intense, suddenly cut off with no one to vent them on... it's crushing. To be met with rejection from the few people you hope never to be rejected by. It'd destroy anyone's ego, it's just unfortunate it happened to Cat, who was already so sensitive. She's drawn back into herself, as miserable as that is thanks to her self-image, and she _wants_ to trust me, she _wants_ to believe me... I mean, who doesn't want to believe that someone cares about them? But she can't take the chance of being hurt like that again. She's been led to believe that she's unlovable, and she doesn't want to raise her hopes. Hope may keep you afloat, but you fall that much harder when it's dashed away.

"You've gotta stop thinking this way Cat." I'm almost pleading with her, because it kills me to hear her talk about herself like she does, kills me to think about what it must be like to be her, kills me to know that I'm a part of that. "Please."

Cat looks at me, speechless, and I can tell she doesn't understand. How can she not think the way she does? How can she not think of herself like she does? Who's ever challenged that? Who's ever even bothered to find out what she thinks of herself? Dismissing her just confirms it in her mind.

I used to hate everyone for being flawed, for being stupid, for showing weakness. Now I hate them for what they've done, that they've let this happen. That they've let someone like Cat sink so low, hit her so hard I don't even know if I _can_ fix her. Nobody has even tried to help her, and I include myself with those people. But it changes now. And those people will be forced to look at themselves, forced to hold a mirror to themselves and see how rotten they really are. Complacency is no excuse. Better to take a side than to stand by and watch, and by not helping her, by not getting invested either for their own benefit, or for hers, just confirms everything she's ever been led to believe.

It stops now.

**A/N: As always, review! As for the sexing, well, I've received mixed messages about that, so I'ma take the high road. That is, smoke pot until I know what to do. Ha! I kid. I don't do drugs, and neither should you! **

**Why, I knew this one guy... he smoked a joint one time at a party... BAM! Six years later, car crash.**

**Anyway...**

**I leave it up to you guys. Sort of. Until I get real antsy, anyway. What? Antsy isn't a word? I've been living a lie. An entire emotion has been invalidated. I don't know how to feel anymore. Well... that's not entirely true. I know not to feel antsy.**

**Now, the important thing to remember here is that it's not just Jade sleeping with Cat. There's also a distinct possibility of Cat sleeping with Jade. There's a difference. Believe me. So you know what you should do? You should tell me which should come first. In terms of believability. Rest assured I'm not going to rush into it, seeing as I can no longer have that emotion that made me want to write it, but as always, I value your opinions, as long as they're not all in caps. I don't like people yelling at me.**

**That's not to say I don't want your CAPSLOCKED reviews. It's that they'll make me cry as I remember that old man yelling about pigeons. Stop it old man! I don't speak Italian! There aren't even any pigeons here! We're in an aquarium! Where is everyone? _What's happening?_ :'O**

. Also, it has come to my attention that I have been nominated in the Victorious awards forum. It's indeed a great honor, and I would ask you to please vote for me/my fics in the poll, assuming you think I deserve it. Thankyou, and goodnight. 


	19. Soggy Cereal

**Disclaimer: Victorious? No.**

I wake up blearily, my mind awake before my body can follow suit, my eyes flickering open hesitantly. I snap awake when I see Cat, her form lit up by what red-hued light filters through my curtains. It's disconcerting to say the least, but not unpleasant. I can't even remember falling asleep... just talking and talking to her until her yawns got big enough to split her face. I remember worrying; the last thing I wanted to do was molest her in her sleep. It sounds stupid, but those urges... they're unpredictable; they've already made me lose control more than once. I lift the blanket up, looking down at myself. Good. Clothes are still on. Besides, I'd want to remember something like that.

I brush a tendril of ruby hair away from Cat's face. She's breathing evenly, her face tranquil, her hands pulled up to her chest. She looks like a sleeping puppy. I half expect her to start twitching and chasing something in her sleep. What do Cats' dream of? I wonder, smiling softly. These are the sort of urges I was talking about. Not so much to take her with abandon... no, those ones are okay, I expect them... no, these are urges to hug her and squeal over how adorable she is. And those ones I can't tolerate... they go against everything I stand for.

I slip out of bed carefully, stretching languorously on the way to the kitchen. I comb my fingers through my hair, peering at the microwave to see what time it is. I feel a spike of panic until I remember it's Saturday. With all this drama... I may have lost track of the days. A furry thing brushes against my legs, and I roll my eyes. "You're _not_ my cat. It's not my job to feed you." The cat meows pitifully and I sigh. "Fine. Have it your way."

I'm in a surprisingly good mood. Waking up next to Cat... it wasn't an altogether unattractive experience. I get busy on breakfast, making some toast. I spot a box of Fruit Loops in the pantry while I'm looking for something to put on my toast, and pull it out. I don't know what it's doing in there, but it seems like the sort of thing Cat would eat for breakfast, so I put it on the counter, along with a bowl and some milk. If she's anything like the loud, crunching monster in the corner, she'll be ravenous. Sure enough, Cat comes padding out just as I sit down to eat my toast, yawning widely and rubbing her eyes. "Morning!" How she can be so positive in the morning... even at all, really, is beyond me. I don't see where she gets the energy. Cat squeals when she sees the box of sugary cereal, and I start to see where. She's beaming at me, pouring the cereal into her bowl, and it makes me feel like an ant under a magnifying glass, and things are starting to get uncomfortably hot.

"What?" I say finally, setting down my toast.

"You made me breakfast!" Cat chirps, pouring milk over the artificially coloured loops.

I frown. "Cat... I just got a box of cereal out. I didn't actually... never mind. I made you breakfast."

"Yay!" Cat grabs her bowl and sits opposite me at the table, smiling widely.

I shake my head. Her changes in mood... they're either end of the spectrum, never in the middle. Looking at her this morning, you'd think she was that airheaded, cheery girl who so many people see, and I'm having trouble connecting it to the Cat of last night. It must be exhausting to be her. "These are _so_ good!" She exclaims, taking a spoonful into her mouth.

"It's just cereal... I don't get it." I say, bewildered.

Cat sets her spoon down. "What's that supposed to mean?" She's giving me a hurt look, like my statement was a personal attack on her. Which it wasn't intended to be.

"No, I just... how can you be so... so cheerful? It's just cereal."

Cat relaxes again, smiling. "Oh." She frowns. "I don't know." She toys with her spoon, swirling it through the soggy cereal. "I guess I just like it when things turn out good. Like... this cereal could've been horrible. I mean, I've had it before, but I haven't had this one... it could've been bad, or the milk could've been sour, but it wasn't."

I don't understand her at all. I hear her words, and they make sense, but when I try to apply them to myself... it all falls apart. "So you're happy when nothing terrible happens? That seems kind of stupid." _Damnit_. I regret my words as soon as they come out, but I couldn't help it. I've gotta learn to talk to her... I grimace and wait for the inevitable.

Cat shrugs, and I stare at her. She doesn't seem upset at all. "You're making it too simple. You've gotta think." She taps me between the eyes with a finger, grinning at me. I'm lost. I'm totally lost. She's like standing in the surf; the sand is always sinking beneath your feet and you're never sure of your footing. That and there's a real potential of getting swept away if you don't pay attention.

"Okay... explain it to me then. Why is cereal so good?"

Cat nods. "This cereal." She picks up her spoon, a few loops tumbling back into the bowl. "It's too sweet... and the milk, it's full fat. Plus it's gone all soggy and gross."

I frown. "Then why are you eating it? I thought it was good."

"Oh no, it is. It's just... I can think about all the negatives, or I can look at the good stuff. It's sugary, there's a toucan on the box, and I'm having it with you. If I think about it that way, it's awesome. I don't wanna be sad if I don't have to be." She takes a big mouthful of cereal, smiling, and I sit back in my chair.

My brain's as theatrical as I am. It doesn't gradually reach a conclusion, doesn't follow a steady path of reasoning. No, that's not dramatic enough, so all my realisations, all my ideas... basically everything that's represented by a lightbulb leaps into my head in a supernova of understanding. It's the equivalent of falling asleep at the start of a journey, and wondering how the hell you got to where you are when you wake up.

So it clicks together in my head. It's all part of her psyche. I can finally start to see why she's so relentlessly cheerful (most of the time). It kind of makes sense now. She's had some terrible things happen to her, and they could've broken her. I mean... they have, she hasn't come out unscathed, but she could've ended up a lot worse. I know I would have. I don't have the same resilience she has. She's sensitive, she always has been. If there's an insult that could be taken personally, she takes it that way, because she naturally assumes that it's directed at her. Part of that is from what happened, but she's always been down on herself. She was different to everyone else. She was unique at an age when all you want to do is fit in. She couldn't pull her head out of the clouds, but she could see everyone on the ground below her, and feel how different she was from them. Her dreaminess... her detachment from reality... it's her gift and her curse. She lives in her own little world, and kids tease her, so she goes even further into that world to escape. But she wouldn't have to escape if she didn't go there in the first place. It's a catch 22 of sorts. She has somewhere to escape to, but she wouldn't have to go if she didn't have it. My head starts to hurt, going round in circles, so I try to focus on my point.

All her life she's been apart, with only links to her parents and, for a short but intense time, her boyfriend. When those were severed in the most brutal of fashions, she drifted down, and all of a sudden that world in her head wasn't so nice anymore. It started telling her those things she'd tried so hard not to hear. She could've given in, she could've accepted she was worthless, and she has, but she's treated it like an unhealed wound. She's tried to suture it together, and she's tried to heal, and she's done a helluva of a lot better than she should've. For the person that she is, for being so sensitive and having literally the worst thing possible for her happen... it should've destroyed her. She... she should've killed herself. The thought makes me sick, but frankly I'm wondering why she hasn't. I don't want her to... not at all, no. God no. But that wound... that gaping cut in her... she should've exsanguinated by now. It's not healing, it's not getting better... she's just slapped a bandage over it and pretended it's just a scratch. But she can feel it throbbing underneath.

She's tried her hardest to see the good in everything, to see everything positively, and, by and large, she succeeds. She tries to find happiness in the little things, like candy, or a nice day, or holding hands with someone, and she makes them mean more than what they are, attributes more importance to them, more emotion than there should be to try and counter this wound. The little things... the everyday stuff... they're painkillers that help her mask the pain. But that doesn't mean it's not still there. That's not to say it's not real happiness... she's not forcing herself to be happy exactly. Painkillers... they don't get rid of the pain, despite their name. No, that pain is still there... all painkillers do is stop you feeling it. The wound is still there, it just doesn't hurt. But all painkillers wear off, and none of them stop the pain altogether, and that's when you see the cracks in her, when she starts feeling that pain again. It can be from an insult, it can be from nothing at all, but it's always there.

Cat sets her spoon in the empty bowl with a clatter, letting out a contented sigh. I reach out and take her hand, and the smile fades from her face to a softer one. A more content one.

"Hey, you wanna see a movie today Cat?" It _is_ Saturday after all, and if I'm going to date her, it needs to be more than furtive makeout sessions... unfortunately. I'm gonna do this thing properly. Cat deserves it, and she needs to see that I'm serious about this, that I fully intend to be with her, that this isn't some temporary delusion I'm experiencing.

Cat rubs her thumb over my knuckles, grinning hopefully. "Can I get popcorn?"

I nod. It's easy to think her irreverence is real, that it's just who she is, that she's some insufferably positive person. And she is, because she needs to be. She couldn't survive any other way.

"And skittles?" She says brightly.

"And skittles."

**A/N: Kay kay, now unlike my other fic (Play Gay) I'm not looking for movie suggestions, so I don't actually even know why I'm mentioning it...**

**As always and forever, review and I will send you my love. However, you will need to pay postage and handling, and for those of you in other countries, international shipping. But think of the looks on your friends faces when you show them an empty (seemingly!) jar, and tell them you've got an author's tender love encased within, and just for you! You'll be the coolest kid on the block, and anyone who disagrees is a douche! They don't have what you have; a jar of pure, transparent, effervescent love.***

***You will also not have love. Jar is empty, may contain trace amounts of rat urine. Not suitable for children under the age of consent. Bow-chicka-wow-wow.**


	20. Rip Snort

**Disclaimer: Still don't own Victorious. Planning daring daylight robbery though.**

"...And then I was like, 'What if the whole sky is just like a massive join-the-dots?' So I tried to join them but I kept losing track of which ones I joined, and then I started making the stars make dogs and ponies. And then I thought, what if you joined all the dots, right, and that was God? Like, that was what God looked like; all the stars in the universe joined up, you know?"

I raise an eyebrow at Cat as she gestures, chattering away as we enter the movie theatre. "No, I really, really don't." Cat's smile falters and I amend my statement. "But it's an interesting theory."

Cat's smile returns, growing wider, and she squeezes my hand. "You really think so?" And actually, it is pretty interesting. I mean, the concept is pretty childish, and really, it doesn't make sense at all, but Cat's enthusiasm, her creativity... it makes it sound pretty interesting. It might not be the best idea, but it's original, and that's a rare thing, especially with religion.

I nod absentmindedly, scanning the list of movies that are showing. "What'd you want to see?"

"Ooh! That one!" Cat bounces up and down, pointing at a title.

I squint. "_Rip Snort_?" I look at her doubtfully. "It's a horror one Cat."

Cat nods. "I know."

"You're sure?" Perhaps against my better judgement, I'm not going to try too hard to talk her out of it. It's actually one I've been wanting to see. I didn't mention it to Cat because, well... she doesn't seem like the horror type... she seems more like the cowering-in-fear type. But she's surprised me before, and if there's one thing I'm trying (and only partially succeeding) to do, it's to stop making snap judgements about who she is. It's easy to pigeonhole her, but she's not a pigeon, and she's never gonna fit neatly into some assumption I make.

"Uh huh. That one."

"Okay. Let's get the tickets then." I hand the scrawny ticket guy the cash. He looks about as enthusiastic to be working here as I would. A smirk spreads across his face as he notices our joined hands, and I fight to stop myself from saying something involving the words, 'Fuck' and 'You' and 'Pervert' to his pimply face. I'm still pushing down my anger as Cat stops, tugging on my hand and making me face her. I try to shake away my fuming. "What is it?"

Cat looks down at the ground for a moment. "Is this a date?"

I should feel insulted, really. I thought I was doing pretty well at imitating a normal relationship, dating being a part of that. "I thought it was. Why?"

Cat smiles softly, squeezing my hand. "It's just really nice, is all."

Ugh. There's that urge again; the one that wants to hug her until she explodes. I lead her over to the concession stand, trying to distract her and calm my racing heart. Cat's naming things so fast I can't follow her, and somehow we end up with an arm full of candy and a huge popcorn and there's nothing left in my wallet. We sit in the back row of the mostly empty theatre, Cat immediately opening a pack of skittles with glee. She pauses after a mouthful, looking over at me. "Do you want some?"

"I'm fine Cat."

She waggles the bag in my face. "Come on Jade! Taste the rainbow!" She giggles to herself, and I smile faintly, taking a handful.

"Thanks Cat."

The lights dim and Cat shushes me, putting a finger to her lips. "Shh! It's starting."

I suppress the urge to roll my eyes, instead hunkering down in my seat and getting ready to watch the movie.

It's a classic movie. Well, a classic B-movie anyway. Don't get me wrong, I love classic movies. Hell, one of my favourite films is _All About Eve_, but those movies you actually have to watch. Sometimes you just need a cheesy slasher to laugh at.

It's about twenty minutes in when the first sex-crazed teenager is murdered by a porcine-mask-wearing psycho, and it's just as gory and hilarious as you'd expect, and I reach over for my drink, mouth dry from laughing. I catch a glance of Cat from the flicker of the screen, and she's wincing, shutting her eyes tight. I purse my lips. "You don't like horror movies, do you Cat?"

Cat peeks out at me from behind her fingers. "No." She says meekly.

"Do you want to go?" I take another sip of my soda, half-keeping an eye on the screen. I give her my full attention once I feel her hand creep onto my knee.

"No..." Cat's teeth flash in the flickering light as she grins.

I smile in response, setting my drink back in it's holder. "Oh. I see what this is. You just wanted to get me alone in the dark, didn't you?"

"Maaaaaybe." Cat says in a singsong, bringing her lips to mine. Her mouth is sticky and sugary, her her tongue chocolatey and her lips salty from the popcorn. She's like a delicious melange of flavours, and I explore her mouth as thoroughly as I can, eliciting a moan from Cat in the process. I barely notice as the popcorn spills out of Cat's hand as she twists her body more towards me, almost falling into my arms. It's something that I've noticed before, but this flickering darkness; it feels more intimate, makes me feel like it's just me and Cat and that there's not some psycho butchering horny teenagers onscreen. Their screams are muffled by Cat's tiny pants in between kisses, and she's almost pushing herself onto me, disregarding the armrest between us. Her kisses are as fervent as usual, and they completely enrapture me.

Honestly, I can't believe any of this is happening. I never thought... well, I never thought _any_ of this would ever happen. Me breaking up with Beck (though in retrospect, not so surprising), learning about Cat, and what's more, actually caring. The biggest surprise of all though is how she makes me feel. I never got teen pregnancy... I just thought they were stupid for not being able to resist their urges, and for not being smart enough to use protection. Not that some of them _aren't _stupid, but I finally get their not being able to resist their urges. I always thought they had a choice in the matter, that it was easy to stop at any time if they just had enough willpower. God knows that's how it was with Beck... but it's different with Cat. There's just something about her, some combination of her apparent innocence, her vulnerability, her absolute commitment to kissing you (among other things) and just... just Cat herself. I lose all control, and it's a physical struggle to pull back, to stop things from going further. It's dangerous, this game... and somehow that makes it better. I know I shouldn't, because of what she's been through, and certainly not in a movie theatre, but her lips... her hands... they're getting me all worked up to an unbearable pitch, an insistent throbbing starting between my legs.

I've completely forgotten about the movie, absolutely engrossed in making out with Cat, the soft sounds she's making stoking a fire in me. My hand creeps to the inside of her knee, working it's way up and parting her legs, and I wish that just for once she'd wear a pair of pants. Why? Why is it always a skirt or a dress?

"Cat," I manage to gasp in between kisses, my fingers still tiptoeing up her inner thigh. Cat bites my lower lip in response, and I moan as my fingers get closer, my eyes flickering shut. I almost hate to say it, but her biting my lip... it's just... ugh, it pulls something primitive in me, and I shudder. "Unh... Cat... you have to..." I fight desperately to stop my hand from reaching her, because if it does... well, I'm having enough trouble now. I don't think she knows the effect she has on me. I wonder if it's the same for her? I hope not, because one of us has to have some control, and it certainly isn't me.

A loud explosion onscreen makes her jump, pulling away from me for a moment, and I yank my hand back like it's been singed, taking a deep breath.

I hear Cat gasp, her hands flying to her mouth, and I look at the screen to see a guy being stabbed in the eye with a corkscrew. A smile twitches on my lips; they always think the killer's dead. "J-Jade?" Cat whimpers, unable to tear her eyes from the screen.

I stand, pulling Cat up with me. "Come on, let's go."

Cat resists weakly, twisting her head to look back at the screen as we leave. "But don't you want to see it?"

I shake my head. "I already know how it ends. The virgin lives and they make a sequel."

"Oh. Okay." She lets me pull her out of the theatre, and I glance back at her once we hit the light. Her face is flushed, lips swollen and red, and it makes me wonder if I look the same. It's funny really. All I wanted to do today was... well, actually develop a real relationship with her, not one that's full of highs and crashing lows. One that doesn't always end in me almost fucking her and having to wrench myself away at the last possible moment. I seem to have failed in that; granted, maybe sitting alone in the dark with her was a poor decision. I bite my lip, shuddering when it brings back the sensation of Cat doing it. Okay, a really poor decision. It just seemed like one of the quintessential things you do when you date someone, and I have to remind myself again, that Cat isn't someone. That I'm not someone around her. She's Cat and I'm Jade. Most people change their behaviour to make it easier to get along with someone... you do it without realising it. And I'm trying to be nicer around Cat, to be who I used to be, and it's getting easier. I don't have to defend myself around her. I can relax. But Cat... she's always liked me, even when I _was _mean to her, even when I ignored her. She hasn't changed herself at all. She's kept herself together, remained herself at a great cost. She's still Cat, still innocent, and dreamy, and sweet, even though it's cost her a lot to be those things.

Basically, I realise that I can't be 'someone' with her, because she's not 'someone'. I can't do the normal things you'd do with someone. She's Cat, and I have to remember that. She's Cat, and she makes me a better Jade, albeit one with a crippling weakness for physical contact. So pretty much I have to keep away from dark places and places where we're alone. At least until I can learn to control myself.

Cat pulls away from me suddenly, breaking my reverie, and I look up to see her bouncing over to Tori and Andre. I follow somewhat less enthusiastically.

"Hi Cat!" Tori gives Cat a quick hug, looking past her to me. "Oh. Hi Jade."

"Hey."

"What's up Little Red? And uh... Jade."

They always make that pause before my name. I think it's fear, or at very least, disappointment that I'm here. Cat's never made that pause.

"...Yeah, Jade and I would love lunch!"

I snap to attention. "Wait, what?"

Cat takes my hand, leading me forward, and I glance behind me in confusion. "Come on Jade!"

I see Tori fighting off laughter at my confusion, following behind us, a scowl settling onto my face. "Fine. Let's have lunch."

**A/N: Hey, guess what? Chicken butt! **

**Anyway...**

**I need you to do me a favour. You see that button down there? The one that says review? I need you to click it and type flattering things. Kthanx!**

**You know what's surprising to me? This is the twentieth chapter. I have no idea how that happened. It doesn't seem like it's been that long, but, well, here they are, and I still have plenty of material left. Hurrah! Right?**

**Also, thanks to everyone who voted for this story. It... it means a lot *wipes tear away*. You like me/it, you _really_ like me/it!**


	21. Tori's Suspicions

**Disclaimer: Victorious was owned by me, but I drink a lot.**

We're in a booth. Of course. We just had to go somewhere with a booth. Despite there being plenty of room, Cat's snug beside me, the length of her thigh pressed against mine. Not that I mind, it's just... distracting, to say the least. Actually, being so close to her is turning out to be great. Every time she turns to talk to me, we're almost kissing, our faces just inches apart, and I love seeing how awkward it's making Tori feel. It's worth the tension and the teasing to see Tori squirm.

There's something about Tori I just don't like. I don't know... it's like she thinks she's better than everyone, just not as obviously as Trina. I'm not even sure if she realises she thinks that way, God knows she denies it every time I accuse her. Plus there's the way she treats Cat. Cat... Cat loves her. Frankly, I'm more than a little jealous. I know I shouldn't be, but ever since Tori started coming here, I've been envious of how her and Cat just clicked. Back when I looked at Cat like she was some kind of pet, a mascot for me to treat as I saw fit. It was hypocritical really, to be angry at Tori for mistreating Cat, for yelling at her, for speaking to her harshly, after all, she was just following everyone else's lead. It was funny really, I wanted my spineless little Cat to stand up against her, to defend herself, but why would she do that with Tori, someone who actually treated her like she mattered, if she wouldn't do that with me?

Tori's not nearly as good as she thinks she is. Give her enough time, and she could be just like me. Just like I _was_.

"So what movie did you guys see?" Cat questions Tori and Andre, Andre perusing the menu.

"_Dance Hard 2: Break It Down_. I invited Beck as well, but he didn't want to come." Tori answers.

I smile sweetly. "I wonder why that is?"

"Was it good?" Chirps Cat.

Andre looks up from the menu. "It was okay. Not as good as the first one. What'd you two see?"

Cat looks at me questioningly and I let a small smile slip through. She's already forgotten the name of it. "_Rip Snort_." I answer.

Andre grins. "Ooo, I heard there's this scene where this guy gets his eye gouged out with a corkscrew!"

I nod. "_Oh_ yeah."

"Who picked it out?" Tori interrupts, raising an eyebrow at me. I smirk as Cat raises her hand, surprise crossing Tori's face. "R-really?"

"Uh huh." Cat nods.

Tori frowns. "But... I thought you didn't like scary movies."

Cat snuggles into me, smiling slyly and looking up at me. "Oh... it wasn't so scary."

I've had a smile on my face this entire time, and I can tell it's freaking Tori out. I may not like her all that much, but she does amuse me to no end.

Andre sets the menu down. "I'm gonna get the chicken wings." He says, grinning.

That's one thing I like about Andre. He stays out of other people's business... for the most part. Tori's the nosy one, the one who has to know everything.

I excuse myself from the table, telling Cat to just order me whatever she's getting, and head to the bathroom. I like sitting that close to her, I really do, but I need a little room to breathe, need a little space to calm down. Plus, you know, I actually legitimately have to go the the bathroom.

When I open the door to the stall, exiting it, Tori's standing near the sinks, trying to pretend she's actually doing something. I ignore her, going to wash my hands, and she turns to me uncomfortably, crossing and uncrossing her arms.

"Jade... we have to talk." She says uneasily.

"Oh. Do we?" I say nonchalantly, soaping up my hands.

"Cat's my friend Jade."

I smile tightly. "Is she now?"

"I don't like what you're doing."

I rinse my hands off before I turn to Tori. "And why should I care whether you like what I'm doing or not?"

Tori uncrosses her arms again. "Look, you can be as nasty to me as you want-" She ignores my interjected "Good." and continues. "But Cat's too nice to see what you're doing."

I tilt my head, starting to get interested in what Tori's saying. "And what is it that I'm doing?"

Tori looks away. "I don't know exactly what you're doing with Cat, I don't know what your plan is, but it's not fair." Tori bites her lip, as if she's debating whether to tell me this next part. "She really likes you Jade. I don't know why, but she does. When she talks about you... she gets this light in her eyes, like you're her best friend, and all you ever do is put her down."

I feel a muscle under my eye twitch. "Look, I don't care if you believe me or not Vega, but I'm not using Cat. I wouldn't... I would never do that." _Now._ I say silently in my mind.

Tori looks at me incredulously. "You expect me to believe that?"

I shrug. "I don't expect you to believe anything. But you know what Tori? You're not exactly an angel to her either."

Tori's eyebrows furrow.

"What I have with Cat... it's my own business, but you can't say you've never hurt her. What about the times you yell at her? What about the time you kissed her boyfriend? Is that what friends do?"

Tori looks away.

"I get why you think I'm up to something, but I'm not. I'm the only one who knows what Cat needs, who knows what she really is. I'm the only one that's ever looked, and what she needs isn't a friend like you. She needs someone to protect her, and right now? Right now I'm the only one who's willing to do that. You tell me you're her friend and you never saw it? You never even suspected?"

Tori's face grows pensive. "Saw what? What are you talking about? 'Who she really is?'"

I sigh, ripping off a length of paper towel and drying my hands finally. Maybe I'm a little too hard on Tori. She does seem to care about Cat, but really? How could she not see? It only took me a few days with Cat, of actually spending time with her and listening to her, to figure out that something was wrong, that she wasn't what she seemed. Even before, I knew something was wrong, I just never cared or looked close enough to realise how big it was. But Tori... Tori hangs out with Cat all the time. "Nothing. It's nothing." It's not my secret to tell, and I wouldn't tell it to Tori anyway.

The door to the bathroom opens, a flash of red hair coming into view, Cat peeking in. We both jump, Tori looking guilty. The smile falters on Cat's face. "You guys were taking so long, and the food's here..." She says as way of an explanation.

Tori forces a smile, glancing at me quickly. "Sure. Thanks Cat."

Cat opens the door wider, Tori moving past her until it's just us in the bathroom. She approaches me, curious. "What's going on?"

I smile at her. "Nothing. Tori was just telling me how glad she is we're together."

A smile lights up Cat's face. "Really?" I nod.

I know I said I'd never lie to Cat, but sometimes the truth is better left untold. She already thinks I shouldn't be with her, the last thing she needs is confirmation from her 'best' friend. It's ironic really. Everyone thinks I'm using Cat, except _for _Cat. She thinks she's using me, that she's somehow tricked me into staying with her. But I've stopped using her, and I think she's starting to realise that she's not using me, that I'm here because I see something in her. And though it might sound pompous of me to say that I'm the only one who knows what Cat needs, that I'm the only one who can give it to her; I'm right. I'm the only one who knows, and actually cares. I'm the only one she's told because she thinks people will reject her, will think she's a horrible person who's completely unlovable, who's damaged goods, and she's right, to a degree. There _are_ people who will think that, there are people who'll blame her for what happened. It's not fair, but then nothing is.

Cat looks around, making sure the bathroom is empty before leaning up and kissing me softly, her hands held up to her chest, brushing against the front of my shirt. "I'm glad too." She murmurs, smiling tenderly, and it makes my heart feel heavy and red inside me. It's this. It's this that people never see. They see the sweetness, they see the kindness, but they don't see this – the tender vulnerability.

I can feel Tori's eyes crawling over us as we eat lunch. I've planted a seed in her mind, and it's about damn time really. She _should_ be looking at Cat, she _should_ be wondering if there's something Cat's hiding, and she _should've_ done it a long time ago. If there's one thing I've heard, albeit never abided by, it's that friends are there for each other, through the good _and_ the bad. And I don't think Tori's even thought that there might be bad.

What she said is plaguing my mind as well. Why does everyone just assume I'm using Cat? I mean, fair enough, I _was_, but now? It makes me realise what a... _monster_ I was, that everyone would just assume that me being nice, that me being with someone was part of some plot. And it makes me think... if I didn't know what a monster I was then, if I didn't realise how everyone regarded me; as something almost not human... how am I supposed to know now? Our comprehension of who we are comes from other people's opinions about us. I never thought I was a monster, I still don't. I think I've changed, but nobody else seems to. What does that say about me? In Cat's eyes, I'm someone great, in Tori's... I'm a villain. And in my eyes? I'm just someone who's made a lot of mistakes that I'm trying to fix.

I'm trying to change, I really am. But if this is still how everyone sees me... maybe I haven't changed at all. I already know just how much you can hide from yourself, because I hid my whole personality, the things that make me human, in an untouchable place. If we are what people think of us, then I'm a cold-hearted monster, and Cat's a dreamy loser. But what if that's not who I want to be anymore? Do I _want_ everyone to stop fearing me, to stop from flinching every time I glare at them?

No. I don't. I want to be Cat's hero, but everyone else can get fucked. But Cat... does she ever want to be different? Has she ever thought she could be? I know that she thinks she's the loser everyone thinks she is, but does that make her one? Not in my eyes, no. I can see what she really is, the problem is... how do I make her see that?

I look over at her, Cat chattering away to Tori and Andre and picking at her lunch. She's still pressed up tight against me, and I surreptitiously move my hand to her knee. She looks down momentarily, a smile crossing her face, and then she's back to her debate with Andre about what's the best dance movie of all time. But her hand creeps down to mine, and I entwine my fingers with hers, holding her hand.

I have changed. I _know_ that. Because the old me... the old me didn't feel things like this. And Cat? Well, I don't want to change her. I just want to change what she thinks she is.

I let a soft smile cross my face, glancing up. Tori's watching us, moving the food on her plate around with her fork, and I know she saw that. I know she saw Cat's hand move under the table, saw that vulnerable smile. She's looking at me like she's not sure what I am, like everything she knows about me is screaming at her that I shouldn't be this, I shouldn't even be able to do things like this. I think she's realising I have a heart, that maybe this thing with Cat... maybe I'm telling the truth.

It's a start, because maybe if Tori believes it, Cat will too.

**A/N: Hurrah for lunch breaks! And a smaller hurrah for being late back to work. But that's the price you pay when you... well, when you really don't care about work!**

**So, since I might not have a job anymore, it'd be great if you could review. I apologise for Andre's lack of... everything. I'm not used to writing him. And what'd you think of Tori? What do you want to see next? Questions, questions, all of which you should put in your review!**

**Okay, so I'm just trying to stimulate you into reviewing. It's either this or the jumper cables to the nipples. Or I can do both. Annoy you, and electrocute/arouse you.**

**It's totally your call. I've got the car battery right here.**


	22. Knowing

**Disclaimer: Victorious, much like many other things, does not belong to me. I'd be specific, but where to start?**

**A/N: I know what you're thinking. 'What's this A/N doing up here? Have I already read the chapter? _What kind of black magic is this?_!'**

**But I just wanted to say, so that I don't seem like an idea-stealing jerk, that I'd like to give partial idea credit to MosquitoMilk, who left me a lovely review. Just... just lovely XD. And, much like when you leave your car unlocked, I have scavenged your ideas and taken the parts I can use most, like the stereo, and the horn that plays 'La Cucaracha'.**

**And let this be a lesson to the rest of you! I mean, you know... a _good_ lesson. If you have any ideas, don't be afraid to share them. I will gladly appropriate them for my own use, but it doesn't necessarily mean you'll know what's going to happen. I'm just wildly unpredictable like that. Banana!**

I drop Cat at home at the end of the day, pulling up outside her house just as the sun is starting to sink in the sky. It picks out the colour in her hair, gives it a glow, and it matches her face in it's radiance. I like to think I'm making a difference, that maybe today was just a little easier for her, just a little better than usual.

I've said it before, but it still amazes me. She's changed me, and it sounds so cliché, so stupid to suggest that one person can make you change who you are, but that's what she's done. People try to change you all the time, try to pick you into what they want you to be, which is usually a version of them. But Cat... she's disarmed me, just by not trying to change me at all. It's made me realise how much time I've spent adapting to what people want, all the while claiming not to give a shit. I just convinced myself that those changes were what I wanted. So to admit that she's changed me by not changing me... it's confusing, but it's not so much that she's changed me as that I've reverted to what I am underneath. Half of me is a turtle shell, a thick skin that I hide behind, and I'm only now just poking my head out. Sure, that doesn't mean I'm all nice and sweet now... I never was, that's just not who I am, but I'm not so defensive, not so offensive. The edge is off me, I guess you'd say... I've gone soft. It's just a relief to be able to relax with her, to not have to worry about what I'll say because I know she won't judge me... I just have to make sure that it's not derogatory.

I walk Cat to her door, hoping to God I don't see her parents. I may have changed, but if I see them... so help me God, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from destroying them. And Cat doesn't need that at the moment. Despite herself, she still loves them, even if I think they don't deserve to even have children. Or be alive.

Cat lingers at the door, looking back at me. "I had fun today." She smiles softly. "I really did."

"Yeah. It was alright." That's another thing. Cat understands what I say. She knows I'm reticent, that I don't gush with enthusiasm like she does. She understands that what I say means more for me than it would for someone else. In other words, 'alright' for me is a pretty damn good day.

I say goodbye to her and walk back to the car, just buckling my seatbelt when I get a text. It's from Cat.

_Drive safe! ^_^_

I catch myself smiling goofily, turning it quickly to a scowl. Snap out of it West! Just 'cause you're with Cat doesn't mean you have to go all lovey-dovey. I drive home, and it's odd not to have her there. There's an eerie silence broken only by the low chatter of the radio, and it's strange how I've already gotten used to her being there. I've spent so much time with her lately, looking after her - I swallow hard - kissing her, trying to figure her out... it's like I don't know what to do now. It's like I've forgotten how I lived without her, and I know it's overly dramatic to say that, but I'm at a loss, trying to remember what exactly it was I did all day without her. It's like having a kid, really. A kid you can makeout with, yes, but it's fundamentally the same. I can't leave her alone in a store, or else she wanders off and gets lost. I can bribe her with candy, not to mention rides on those machines outside supermarkets, and I have to stop at every pet store we see, just in case they have puppies. That's not to say I'm complaining, it's just... it's different to what I had with Beck. I mean, we hardly ever did _anything_, just hung out in his trailer most of the time, watching old movies and sleeping together. I have a lot more in common with Beck than I do with Cat... it'll take some getting used to, but I do plan to get used to it.

I get home, sending Cat a text message and letting her know I'm safe, even though I feel like an idiot doing it. My parents tell me briefly about their visit to Cousin What's-his-face, and I nod politely and pretend to be interested. I just feel listless. And exhausted. Without her energy to bolster me, I realise how tired I actually am.

I don't see Cat until Monday, Cat practically leaping in front of my car as I park it. There's a bunch of students surrounding us, getting out of their cars and standing in small groups chatting. She hugs me so hard I swear I hear something crack, but she doesn't kiss me. It's strange... I can't remember her ever kissing me except when she's upset. The only times she's really leaned in to kiss me, really made the first move is when she thinks I'm about to go... forever, and she wants one last kiss. She's still so insecure about our relationship she's scared to kiss me, because she thinks I'll reject her. Or she's uncomfortable with all these people around. I decide to test it out and kiss her, and also... I just want to kiss her again. Very badly. I tilt her head up with a finger, her arms still wrapped around me, and she licks her lips nervously just before our lips meet. She tastes like spearmint, and I feel myself relax, realising how much I'd missed this, even over that brief time. I'm like a coiled spring that's being released, and I hadn't even realised that there was this tension in me, in my body that was waiting for her.

Well. It's definitely not that there's a lot of people around. I pull away from her with difficulty, glaring at anyone who's looking at us. It was a fun theory to test, but I forgot how hard it is to stop kissing her. I don't know whether to ask her about it or not. What do I say? 'Oh, you can kiss me whenever you want, you know.' It'll only upset her, and make me feel awkward. And, being a teenager who's not at all comfortable with herself, I already feel awkward enough as it is. Still, I do a lot better than other people. Sinjin, for example.

Cat catches me up on what she did on Sunday, even though she's already sent me a dozen texts updating me on exactly what she was doing. I drift in and out of the conversation, making the appropriate noises when Cat looks at me. Somehow she's gotten on to dolphins by the time we get to class and sit down. "...So then they let me feed her a fish and she was so polite, but I don't know why they'd call a dolphin Candy, 'cause she can't eat candy..."

I nod, disinterestedly watching Tori stumble her way across to us. Okay, so maybe I exaggerate her clumsiness, but there's just something about her that screams 'slapstick'. Or maybe I just wanna hit her with a stick. She gets to us finally, standing with her hands on her hips. She looks conflicted, and she's glancing at Cat with something almost like pity, and with definite anger at me. "I know." She says, glaring at me.

Cat stutters over her words, her story trailing off, and she glances over at me confusedly. I smile tightly at Tori. "Know what?"

She stands up straighter. "I _know_. I know about..." Tori flicks her eyes between me and Cat, and I see Cat start to panic. Fucking Tori. What does she know? Does she know about Cat... about what happened to Cat? How could she? And why would she just walk over here and talk about it? No. I don't think that's it, but Cat sure does. She's looking at me with confusion and hurt in her eyes, because she thinks I've told. I'll say it again. Fucking Tori. No tact whatsoever.

"Tori, can I speak to you outside?" I try to keep the overwhelming rage out of my voice.

Tori nods, heading for the door, and I watch her go before turning to Cat. "J-Jade...?" Cat's almost hyperventilating, and I can see the beginnings of tears well in her eyes. I'd say she was overreacting, but she's utterly terrified of anyone finding out, and I can't say I wouldn't act similarly.

"Tori doesn't know what she's talking about." I say comfortingly, even though I have no idea whether she does or not.

"D-does she-? D-did you-?" Cat stutters.

"No! _No_. I didn't tell her anything. Look, I'll go talk to her and find out what it's about."

Cat nods, biting her lip.

"I won't be long. I promise." I say, standing and walking over to the door, glancing back at Cat before I open it. She's taking deep breaths, trying to calm down, her eyes following me. I close the door behind me, Tori leaning against the wall beside it. She pushes herself off it when she sees me.

"I know." She says again, crossing her arms.

I feel a pulse of anger burn through. "What? What do you fucking know?" I snarl, Tori shuffling back, uncertainty on her face.

"I-I know about what you're doing to Cat. Beck told me everything." Her uncertainty turns to anger. "How could you just lie to me? You told me you weren't using Cat a-and I actually _believed_ you."

I sigh exasperatedly, putting a hand to my forehead. "I'm not using her!"

"Oh come on Jade! Beck told me!"

"Well obviously he didn't tell you everything. Did he tell you that he kissed me? That he said he wanted me back?"

A hurt look crosses Tori's face. "You're lying." She says softly.

"Look," I take a deep breath. "It's true, okay? I _was_ just using Cat to make Beck jealous. Is that what you want to hear? But I'm not anymore!"

Tori snorts with less venom, still taken aback about Beck. "And how am I supposed to believe you? Why shouldn't I just tell Cat now?"

I take a deep breath. Fucking Tori. I'm thinking of making that my catchphrase, because all she ever seems to do is poke her nose in places it doesn't belong. "You really want to do that to her? Look, I admit I was wrong, but you saw me with her yesterday. Do you think I'd put up with having lunch with you if I didn't care about her?"

Tori studies the floor carefully before flicking her eyes back to me. "If Beck said he wanted you back, why didn't you just break up with Cat then? You got what you wanted."

I sigh. "Get it through your thick skull Vega. I thought I wanted Beck, but I was wrong. Cat was just a tool, yes, but... but not anymore. I'm with her because I care about her. I want to help her, and I can't do that if you tell her. Do you really want to break her heart?" I never thought I'd be appealing to Tori's... well, to Tori in general. "You said it yourself. She really likes me, and she's more fragile than you think."

Tori frowns. "So I'm just supposed to pretend I don't know anything? I'm just supposed to keep this secret from her?"

I lower my voice, trying to sound sincere. "Yes. Please." I saw how hurt Cat was when she accused me of it before. I can't do that to her again, can't put her through that pain, especially knowing what I know now. Tori's eyebrows furrow when I say 'please', and she bites her lip, uncertain. "She already thinks I don't want to be with her, that I'm just gonna leave her, and she doesn't need her... her best friend telling her the same thing. I wanna fix her-"

"What's wrong with her?" Tori interrupts in a soft voice.

"I can't tell you. It's not my secret to tell."

Tori nods, letting me continue.

"Look, I don't like you, and you don't like me, but we both like Cat. I don't wanna hurt her anymore, and I don't think you do either."

Tori takes a deep breath, hanging her head. "I won't tell her."

I feel a rush of relief, my shoulders relaxing.

"But she's gonna find out sometime, you know." Tori points out.

"I know, and I'll deal with that when it happens." I don't know how, exactly. If Cat found out that she was right, that I really was just using her, and that I lied to her face and made her think I wasn't... well, she already has enough trouble trusting me.

I turn away from Tori, heading back into the classroom, where Cat's trying to pretend she hasn't been watching the door, her hands clasped together in her lap. I sit back beside her, Cat chewing on her lip nervously. "What was it?"

I shrug, pulling Cat's hands apart gently from where they're writhing over each other and taking one in my own hand. "Nothing. Just that I wrote something on her locker."

Cat visibly relaxes. "Oh." She looks at me curiously. "What'd you write?"

A smile creeps across my face. "Oh, you wouldn't want to hear it." The best part is, it isn't even really a lie. Well... it won't be in a little while.

Cat looks confused. "Why not?" Realisation crosses her face. "Jade! That's mean! You shouldn't do things like that."

I shrug. "I know."

Tori watches us from across the room, conflicting emotions crossing her face.

"I know."

**A/N: Yeah, that's right, there's an A/N down here as well. After all, someone has to beg for reviews, and I _am_ already on my knees.**

**Now, I know that some of you are gagging for an exquisite merging of Cat/Jade in... you know, the way of sex. Well... I don't know, go have a drink. Or use your imagination or something. It's coming, believe me... oh ho ho ho, it'sa coming. But, much as in life, the first time must be perfect.**

**Although, you know... you'll just end up being disappointed anyway, and then we'll drift apart when you realise I'm not who you thought I was, that I was only using you to read my sex.**

**And then I'll call you for child support in ten years, when you're already happily married. 'Cause that's just how I roll.**

**Also, review!**

**...I can't get 'La Cucaracha' out of my head now...**


	23. Beck's Conflict

**Disclaimer: You know that movie _Big Fat Liar_? That's totally based on me and Victorious. That's right, Dan Schneider not only stole my idea, he made a movie about stealing my idea! The audacity! And now I'm reduced to writing fanfiction in a futile attempt to regain my former glory, except I'm not a kid anymore so it's sex... just... just sex.**

I come up behind Cat as she puts her books away in her locker, touching the small of her back gently. She jumps, whirling around, her face relaxing when she sees it's me. "Oh, Jade... it's just you."

I smile. "Just me? What were you expecting?" I lean against a locker beside her.

"A chupacabra." She says with an almost-straight face.

I raise an eyebrow. "A chupa-what?"

She nods, a smile at the corners of her lips. "A Mexican goat-sucker."

I roll my eyes. "Gee, thanks."

Her eyes flicker closed as I lean in, her smile growing wider as I move to kiss her, her hand still on the door of her locker. Thank God this school doesn't care about public displays of affection. I move my hands around Cat's waist, pulling her closer, her hands linking behind my neck as I move to push her up against the lockers. She makes a soft sound that starts a slow, hot throb in my chest, and I push up against her harder, getting more absorbed in kissing her. Cat tentatively flicks her tongue over my lips, and I let her in, slightly surprised. She's not usually the one to take things further. I ignore the sound of someone clearing their throat. Whoever they are, they can wait. "Jade? Uh... Jade!" I sigh internally, pulling away from Cat regretfully.

"What?" I snap, turning to face the annoyance.

It's Beck, his arms crossed and an uncomfortable look on his face. "We need to talk."

I actually sigh this time. What is it about today? Everybody needs to talk to me about this or that or etcetera... can't anyone sort out their own problems? "Is it important?" I ask impatiently, glancing back to Cat.

"Yes. It is." Beck's voice is hard, and a little uneven, like he's trying to force himself to be calm. It's not like him at all. I glance over at Cat again. The temptation to stay here and kiss her is... well, it's overpowering, but I do have a bone to pick with Beck. He told Tori about what I was doing with Cat... if Cat had found out... I can't even think about that. Actually, the more I think about what he did, the more of a dick move it becomes.

"Sure. We can talk." I make sure to kiss Cat goodbye, extending it a little longer than it needs to be, partially to make Beck uncomfortable, and partially because... well, it's hard to resist.

Beck leads me into the janitor's closet, though I'll be damned if I've ever seen a janitor anywhere near this place.

"Well." Beck starts, crossing his arms and facing me.

I raise an eyebrow, shrugging. "Well..."

He leans forward, smiling tightly. "Tori broke up with me."

"Okay..." I don't know what he expects from me. Sympathy?

Beck seems infuriated at my candour. "She broke up with me because you told her we kissed!" He finally barks.

I snort. "So? You said you were gonna break up with her anyway." I frown, going on the offensive. "Besides, you told her about Cat. You know I'm with Cat for real now. Why would you tell her that?"

"I... I don't know..." He looks away. "But you shouldn't have told her we kissed!"

I shake my head. I've never seen Beck this... this immature. "But we _did_. She almost told Cat you know! Are..." I narrow my eyes, studying Beck. "Are you still jealous? I thought you were okay with me and Cat."

Beck looks away, rocking back and forth on his feet with a heavy sigh. "I... I thought I was, but... seeing you with her, it just... it's driving me crazy!"

I feel a surge of anger rise in me. "So you told Tori because you knew she'd tell Cat? Beck... how could you do that? That's..." I pause. "That's like something I'd do... _would_ have done."

A small smile quirks Beck's lips. "Hey, I did learn a few things from you."

I sigh heavily, putting a hand to my forehead. "Beck... I thought we were just gonna be friends."

"I know. But I still love you... and I can't forget about it. I've tried."

I shake my head. "But you stayed with Tori anyway? That's not fair Beck."

He laughs mirthlessly. "You know I said that to you not too long ago? What'd you say again? Oh, right, that nothing's fair." He sighs, running a hand through his hair. "Look... I'm sorry. I just thought that if I couldn't be with you, maybe I could be with Tori, that she'd help me get over you. But seeing you with Cat..." He looks at me imploringly. "I can't help the way I feel Jade. I do still love you. I do still want you... I know I shouldn't have told Tori... I shouldn't have tried to break you and Cat up. I just... I just need time, I think." A sad smile quirks his face. "You're not easy to get over."

"Beck, I love you... not in the way you want me to, but I do. But if you're gonna sneak around and try to break me and Cat up... then we can't be friends. I need to be able to trust you. We've been friends since forever, even before we dated... I don't want to lose what we have, but I'm not gonna pretend I feel like I did. I'm with Cat now, and I need you to be okay with that."

Beck stares at me, stony-faced, but I can see the conflict underneath. Beck's a good guy at heart... it's me that's taught him how to be bad. He wants to be there for me, he wants to be okay with this, but part of him is struggling against it, a selfish little part that wants me at any cost. I know... I planted that part. His voice is soft and low, the words forcing themselves out. "I... I can't. I want to, but I can't. I just... I need time Jade. I just can't right now. I can't be there for you and see you with her. It hurts too much."

I let out a held breath, my shoulders slumping. "It's... it's okay. I understand." I'm disappointed, but I'm not surprised. Beck'd have to be a saint or a bastard to put his feelings behind him so easily, but he's human, and he's flawed. "I'm sorry about Tori."

He shrugs. "It's okay. I had it coming." He looks at me soberly. "I'll be okay Jade, I will. I'll be there for you when it counts, I promise, I just..." He looks down.

"I know. It's okay." I turn to go, pausing as Beck speaks again.

"I want you to be happy." His voice drops, sounding resigned. "But I can't do that anymore, can I?"

I lean against the door for a moment. "No. You can't." I leave him in there. There's nothing I can say to make him get over me, the only thing I could possibly do is to make him hate me, and I don't want that. If there's one thing I've learned, you can't force people to do what you want. You can't even force yourself to.

I join Cat at the lunch table, sitting next to her heavily. She doesn't say anything, doesn't ask what it was about, her eyes running over me, a little wrinkle between her eyes. She slides closer to me, leaning into me a little, and I smile. That's one of the things I like about Cat. She's different in a good way. She's not peppering me with questions, she's not trying to clamber her way into my mind. She just sees I'm upset, that what I've talked about with Beck isn't all sunshine and lollipops, and she comforts me. She shows me that she cares, that she doesn't need to know what happened, only that she wants to make me less upset. And it helps, it really does, more than talking about it ever could. She's the only one who's never asked anything of me, who's given herself to me without expecting anything in return.

Cat slides half her sandwich over to me, noticing that I've neglected to bring anything, distracted as I was with Beck. Today... today has been terrible. I hate drama, yet I've had to put up with more of it in the past few hours than a teenage soap opera. I've had more people digging at me, had more ups and downs than a slinkie on a rollercoaster, and yet... it's been a good day.

Cat leans her head against my shoulder, her arm around my waist, chatting softly to Robbie about narwhals. I pick up the half-sandwich, glancing at her. I was right when I said Beck couldn't make me happy anymore. He can't... but Cat can.

I take a bite of the sandwich. It's been a good day.

**A/N: For some reason, I think that's just adorable... imagining it in my head makes me squee. Does that make me a bad person? Maybe, but not as much as all that stuff I did does.**

**As always, review and spur me into writing the next chapter. Think of it like this; I'm a horse, just, you know, galloping away like a mad thing, but then I start getting sorta tired... after all, I'm not a magic horse. So you kick me in the ribs with your spurs and that gets me going all fast again. And then you lead me to water but I won't drink or something.**

**And then you realise I'm drunk when I clumsily come onto you with my horse charm, so you draw on my face when I pass out and like... just dicks, dicks everywhere.**

**You jerk.**


	24. Beauty And The Beast

**Disclaimer: Victorious, much like tequila, is not owned, only rented. Or something. I'unno, I'm drunk...**

I drop Cat home after school. Something's on her mind, I can tell... she didn't talk my ear off in the car, for one thing. She walks up the path to her door slowly, while I follow. I admit, I may be admiring the view a little. I haven't told her what I talked about with Beck. It's not that I don't want to... it's just... I can't put any strain on our relationship. I know that Cat'd just say that I should go back to Beck, that I'd be better off with him and I'd be back to where I started with her. I've made progress, I have, but it's fragile. I've never had to work so much on a relationship in my life, and it makes me wonder why I'm trying _this_ hard.

Cat unlocks her door, hesitating before turning to me. "Do... do you wanna come in?"

I smile before pausing. "Are your parents home?" I can't bear to see them. I won't be able to contain myself.

The hopeful smile on her face falters. "N-no, they uh... they went to see a show with my brother."

"Oh. Why didn't you go?"

Cat bites her lip, looking away. "I... I didn't want to."

She's lying. I know, I can see the hurt on her face. They didn't ask her. Fuck. It's a damn good thing they aren't here. I choose to let it go, but it's there, it's filed away in 'Things to Kick Cat's Parents' Asses For', and that file's getting pretty damn full.

I put my arm around her, smiling. "Sure, I'll come in. On one condition."

Cat tilts her head in confusion. "What?"

I can see she's still upset, and I steel myself, feeling the very core of me rebel against what I'm about to do. I'm just... I'm not a cheery person. It's not me. "That you smile." I touch her nose with a fingertip. Ugh. My soul did not like that. But it's worth it when a smile does spread across her face and she giggles.

"Jade! That was so lame."

I shrug as we head inside. "It worked, didn't it?"

I settle down on Cat's sofa. "So what time are your parents getting back?" I ask, examining a china elephant on the coffee table. Cat rifles through her DVD collection, speaking over her shoulder.

"They're... they're not. They're coming back tomorrow." She stands, turning towards me. "The show they went to see was too far away, so they're staying in a motel." Cat opens the DVD case, turning back to the TV and stooping to put it in.

Douchebags. I can't stop myself. "They just left you here by yourself?"

Cat sits beside me, shrugging. "It's okay. I'm... I'm a grown up now. I can take care of myself."

I stare at her. "No. No you can't."

Cat's eyebrows turn up. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Crap. It's so hard to tread carefully, especially when I'm this pissed at her parents. "I just meant you're supposed to be a kid. You shouldn't have to be a grown up. They shouldn't have left you here alone."

Cat smiles softly. "But I'm not alone. You're here!" Cat leans forward, picking up the remote, and I take the chance to study her. It's definitely not something she would've said before. I _have_ made progress. Not that I was doubting it or anything, it's just... it's a case of two steps forward, one step back.

I watch with interest as the movie starts. "What are we watching?"

"_Beauty And The Beast_." Cat grins at me, setting the remote down. Her eyebrows furrow. "That's okay, isn't it? I can change it if you want."

I shake my head reassuringly. "It's fine." I don't actually mind old Disney movies. You can actually watch them, no... it's all the shit they force kids to watch these days that I hate. People gave kids more credit back then, now they just treat them like dumb-asses, and everyone's too scared about offending someone to put anything real in. Besides, I've always the liked the idea of redemption. I always identified with Beast, and how it took someone as pure as Belle to make him human, to show him love.

We're only five minutes in however, before I feel Cat's hand creeping up my thigh. I turn to look at her, and she's got this shy smile on her face, gauging my reaction before she leans in to kiss me, her lips soft and tentative. This... this _is_ progress, and I kiss her back enthusiastically. I want, so much, to deepen the kiss, to push her back, but I resist it. I want her to be the one to do it. I want her to know what kind of an effect she has on me. And you know what? It's nice to relax for once, to let Cat do all the work, even if I do have to fight against myself. I've always been a workaholic.

Cat moves her hand up, sliding it into my hair, her lips moving insistently on mine. She starts so gently, so sweetly. She's so sincere about it, like you're the only thing there, the only thing on her mind. The kiss starts to change as Cat gains confidence, and she pushes her body against me subconsciously. She makes a soft sound as I part my lips to let her in, eagerly flicking her tongue into my mouth. Her breathing starts to get heavier, matching mine, and she's pushing me down slowly until she's on top of me. I keep my hands on he slim waist. It's an exercise in control for me, even as they itch to go elsewhere, to touch her. She just kisses me for a while, and it's these slow, hungry kisses that seem to come in waves, making me feel weaker with each sweep of the tide. Her body is so warm, so close against me. My breath feels like torn paper, fluttering in my chest, and it's so hard, so very, very hard to stop my hands from touching her.

She pulls back finally, with a sound like she's disappointed in herself for doing so. She licks her lips, trying to find her voice, and all I can do is watch her. "D-do you wanna stay over? Tonight, I mean." She bites her lip, and I swear I can hear her heart thundering. Or maybe it's just my own.

I don't want to leave her alone, especially not at night. It's not that I'm scared she'll do something, I just don't want her to be lonely... she's been alone too long before. I nod, not trusting myself to speak. I'm not sure I can, still drugged by Cat's slow kisses. It's not what she said, it's the implications. If I stay over... well, there's only one thing that means. I swallow hard. I'm not sure if I should be doing this, but I want to so much. It's terrifying though. Everything is so fragile, and maybe it would've been better to happen as an accident, as a loss of control, but now I know it's coming... all I can think of is how everything can go wrong. I don't have to, I know, but I also know that she wants to, and I don't think I can last a whole night. Not again... it was hard enough the first time.

Cat hugs me, snuggling into me, and she smiles. "I can hear your heartbeat."

I lick my suddenly dry lips. This... I've never been so nervous. W-why do I care this much? Why am I scared? I want to make it good, sure, but why does it mean this much? I mean sure, I care about her, I really do, but there's this thing about her, when I look at her that just makes the pit of my stomach drop away, makes my heart hurt and feel tight. It's... it's not love. It can't be love. I... I can't love her. She can't mean that much to me. It's ridiculous, this thing I'm feeling. It's just... infatuation, pity, compassion, but it's not love. The whole time I've doing this, the whole time I've been helping her, I've been doing it because I cared about her, because somebody _had_ to, and I was the only one who would.

I can't love her. Not yet. It's... it's too soon, and things could go wrong so easily. The possibility of losing her can't scare me this much. I've been changing myself so much, saying things I wouldn't be caught dead saying. I mean, I'm lying cuddled up with Cat on a sofa watching _Beauty And The Beast_. That's not me. So why am I doing it? It isn't helping her. I... I don't do this.

No. I don't love her. I'm not in love in with her. I just... I'm freaking out because of what tonight means. I feel like I've been waiting so long, and... it's delicate. She's had bad experiences before, and I don't want to be one of them. I don't love her. I can't be that close, but I do care about her, _a lot_. More than anyone else seems to. I can see myself falling in love with her... but... it's too scary now. I loved Beck, and look what that made me do, even after I didn't love him anymore. Because if I love Cat... when our relationship is still so fragile, when I've got this secret, this lie hanging over us that could ruin everything... I can't love her. Not yet. I just have to stop changing myself so much, I'm losing what I am. Tonight could... no, tonight _will_ change everything. I'm panicking, and it shouldn't mean this much to me. I don't panic... I've never panicked.

I smile reassuringly at Cat, wrapping my arms around her. I'm with her because I care about her, but it's not love. That'd be stupid... you don't just rush into loving someone. It needs time to build and grow; that's how it happened with Beck, and that's how it'll happen with Cat. And the longer I'm with her, the more she'll see that this is real, and maybe, just maybe when that secret comes out, it won't destroy us. Maybe we'll be strong enough then. But right now? I have to focus on tonight. Just tonight. It's not love, but it could be.

**A/N: Okay, now I know you guys have been waiting a lon- wait, what? 24 chapters? That's how long you've been waiting?**

**I'm... I'm so sorry. Why are you guys still reading this?**

**I kid. I know you read it because I'm just fantastic.**

**Like this one time, this guy came up to me and he was all like, "Hi, do you know what time it is?" and I just punched him right in the face. Oh and it was like 3 o'clock.**

**But I digress. So please, review, let me know how excited you are. Can you feel it? Can you _feel _the love? Heh. Creepy.**

**Either way, review or I'll punch you in the throat while stating the time. It's like my thing and junk.**


	25. Fumbling And Perfect

**Disclaimer: Seriously now, Victorious doesn't belong to me.**

"What do you want for dinner?"

"Hmm?" I snap out of my reverie, turning to Cat.

"If you're not hungry, that's okay." She assures me.

It's not that I'm not hungry... it's that my stomach is churning so much I don't think I _could_ eat. It's been running through my head, all through _Beauty And The Beast_, so much so that it's only now I realise the movie's finished, the credits scrolling onscreen. Because I've been thinking, about what I'm going to do... and the thoughts are accompanied by images, images that distract me to no end, that make me bite my lip in an effort not to swear at the feelings they stir. I can hear Cat gasp in my mind, hear her say my name, see her eyes roll back in her head as she moans and... and I want to do it, I do. I've... I'm Jade West. I don't get nervous. I play things cool. When I lost my virginity to Beck, it was slow, and romantic, and it just didn't seem like that big of a deal. It was just sex, although it was with someone I loved. I didn't freak out about it.

Does... does Cat love me? I haven't asked her... it's not something you can just ask, and I really don't want to know the answer. I don't want her to love me. She gets hurt too easily, and I don't want to be the reason for that. If you fall in love, you can get hurt, and that's already happened to Cat. Everyone she's loved has hurt her... I don't want the potential to do the same. I know she cares about me... that she cared about me all along, even when I insulted her, when I ignored her. Even when I treated her like a pet, a mascot, she still liked me, because I treated her better than everyone else. Better to be a pet than a stray.

I try to calm myself down. "I could eat." I say, as nonchalantly as possible.

"I can order pizza? What do you want?"

I agree, telling her what I want, but what I want, what I'd _like_ is to be free of this pressure. It's like waiting for someone to punch you. You know it's coming, you just don't know when. But maybe... maybe Cat didn't mean it that way when she asked me to stay over. Maybe she's just lonely. But that's not the point, Cat's not the problem. It's me and these... these urges I get. I've never wanted someone so bad, and all this waiting... it's made me want it so much. And somehow, knowing that she's had this bad experience, and knowing that I can make her feel so good, can give her the experience she deserves... it makes we want it that much more. To show her how sex can be a good thing, not just a tool to get someone to love you. I want to show her how much I care, and I want to wake up with her in the morning and see her realise that I'm not going anywhere. I want to prove to her that I... that I _could_ love her. It's never been Cat that's the problem, not since that one... that one mistake. I feel a pulse of emotion at the memory. When I came so close to... to...

It's not Cat. It's me. I want to show her all those things, and even more, I want to satisfy these urges she stirs in me, but the fact is, she _has_ had a bad experience, there _is_ that to overcome. She would've... I could've slept with her already, she would've let me, because I honestly don't think she'd say no to me. I think she's too scared to, scared that I'll leave her if she doesn't give me what I want. And more than that (I hope), she wants it too. But her past, her history... if I do this too soon, it could ruin everything. It's delicate, and to be honest, I'm not sure she's ready. I'm not sure _I'm_ ready. But I can't... I don't think I can wait any longer.

"Tori told me she and Beck broke up." Cat says, picking olives off her pizza slice. "Is that what Beck wanted to talk to you about?"

I swallow hard, the dry crust scraping it's way down my throat. "Yeah. Sort of."

"Do you... miss Beck?" Cat glances at me, taking a small bite of her pizza.

This is a minefield. "Yes and no. I miss him as a friend, but not as a boyfriend."

Cat's eyebrows furrow. "You're not friends anymore?"

I purse my lips, taking a sip of soda. "It's just... awkward right now, y'know?"

Cat nods. I feel myself relax, but there's still this tension in my shoulders, because I know what's coming. Every minute that passes brings it closer. I focus on my pizza. I can't think like that, whatever happens, happens, and it happens naturally. I'm not going to make the first move... not if I can help it.

I think Cat can feel it too, can feel the tension. She's not oblivious, after all. She observes people, because she's in the perfect position to do so, and her observations are pretty accurate. She notices things about people, the little things that make them human... that's how she can defend anyone, that's why she can't attack anyone. She thinks they're just like her, and she knows how much it hurts. She knew me before I knew myself, as cheesy as it sounds. She managed to see what I'd hidden away, what I'd forgotten was there. And she can see now, how when she leans over to kiss me, just softly, my breath hitches. How I drop my pizza, all appetite gone, what small amount existed in the first place. How I deepen the kiss, almost too quickly, Cat responding with just as much passion. "C-can we go to my room?" Cat says quickly, her hands trembling in her lap. I lick my lips, swallowing hard, and nod.

My fingers fumble on the buttons of Cat's blouse, every one I undo showing more of her tanned skin. She kisses me again as my fingers undo the last button, brushing her stomach, her hand tangled in my hair, breath short against my face. I slip the blouse off her narrow shoulders, the material pooling on the ground. Her skin is flawless, smooth, and I itch to touch over every inch of it. And every touch, every breath she takes, every beat her heart makes is so significant, because I'm doing this to her. I'm making her feel this way, and it's amazing. It's so amazing to me. I take a step back from her for a moment, my hands regretfully leaving the curve of her waist. I need a breath, and to just... to just _see_ her. I grab the hem of my own shirt, lifting it over my head, regretting even the moment she disappears out of my sight. Her eyes are so huge, and dark, so filled with awe as she lifts a trembling hand to touch me.

"Can... can I really touch you?" She says incredulously, her voice breathy.

It's funny really. She still thinks she's the one who's lucky to be with me. Doesn't she see how much my hands are shaking? How much I'm fighting to take this slowly, to remember it?

I kiss her slowly, taking her hands and putting them on me. Her palms are hot against my skin, skimming over my ribs and raising goosebumps in their wake. She pulls me closer, and we meet in a slow kiss, my own hands sliding over the bare skin of her back, moving down to unzip her skirt. I break the kiss, pushing myself closer to her as I fumble with the zip, Cat's bare torso brushing mine, her breath hot on my throat, short and nervous. It comes undone finally and I work the material down... Cat wears tight skirts, and don't think I haven't noticed. My fingers brush over the curve of her butt, and there's such a thin layer of material; just the flimsy cotton of her underwear between me and her skin.

I shiver as Cat's hands brush the front of my stomach, the muscles quivering as she tentatively works on the catch to my jeans, her knuckles brushing the sensitive skin. She gets them undone, looking up at me, and I can see the want in her eyes. And I can see doubt. I take her hands from where they rest on the waistband of my jeans, hesitating after undoing them. "We don't have to do this Cat."

It kills me to say it, but I don't want her to be doing this for the wrong reasons. I don't want her doing this because she thinks it'll get me to love her, that it'll stop me from leaving. I know we've made progress, but you can't just break a thought pattern so easily. This... it's not about sex, it's about her.

An unsure smile flickers on her lips. "I know. I... I want to. I just..." She lets out a long breath, bowing her head, and I tilt it back to me gently.

"It's okay. I'll go slow." I give her a light kiss. "And if you want me to stop... if anything doesn't feel right, just say so. I'm not gonna be mad at you." I hate that I need to say this, that I have to reassure her that she can actually say no, that she thinks just because I want it, she should give herself to me. If I had been anyone else, if I had been the old me, I wouldn't have stopped to look for signs of uncertainty, I wouldn't have waited this long, and Cat would've just went along with it, whether she really felt comfortable or not.

I stroke my fingers along her cheek until a soft smile appears on her lips, and it's sincere, and vulnerable, and it only makes me want her more. I move a little back from her, putting my hands to my undone jeans and shimmying out of them, stepping out of the pooled denim. I take the opportunity to study her. I've seen her in a bikini before but this... this is much more personal, much more intimate. Her bra is pastel stripes, her panties buttercup yellow with a picture of Little Miss Sunshine emblazoned on them. Typical Cat. It seems like the sort of thing a normal, happy teenage girl would wear, as a throwback to their childhood, but with Cat... it's an attempt to reclaim that childhood, that lost innocence.

Cat stands there in front of me, head slightly bowed, her hands clasped together in front of her awkwardly, her eyes dark and huge, looking up at me. It freezes the blood in my veins, because I feel like that douchebag who broke her heart. I'm seeing what he saw; this pure, innocent girl who's so sensitive, who wants so bad for someone to love her, who gives out her love so freely and gets nothing back. Who'd do anything for someone to like her. And he didn't care. He broke her heart anyway, and I can see the pieces in her now, the shards that have stuck in her flesh. I don't know if I can be the one to put it back together again, but I can pull those shards out and help her heal. Help her think she deserves love. I can give her one good memory at least.

I use a hand to gently stroke Cat's ruby hair, almost purple in this light, using my other hand to tilt her chin up. I capture her in a gentle kiss. I meant it when I said I'd take it slow. This is more important than my own urges. It's Cat who breaks away to take an uneven breath, returning to kiss me with more fervour. Her hand slowly unfurl, moving to my waist, and it's her that backs us towards the bed. She pulls herself back on the bed, watching me, waiting for me to follow her down, and my heart almost stops at that moment. I can see how much she trusts me, and it makes me feel like scum, because I don't deserve that kind of trust from someone like her. I used her, and I wish I could change that fact, but I can't. I can only try to make up for it.

I crawl on top of her, straddling her thigh, my fingertips stroking along the smooth skin of her stomach, the muscles shivering under my fingers, and I skate them up along her body, over the bumps of her ribs, over her breast until I reach her cheek. I lean down to kiss her, Cat meeting me eagerly, and I can already feel the heat building between our bodies, can already feel that intense longing in me, vibrating through me. My fingers touch over Cat's bra lightly, finding the hardened bud of a nipple through the material, Cat breaking the kiss to gasp, her body jerking and her thigh pressing up between my legs. I bite my lip; it's a very, very nice feeling.

I smirk as I notice something. Cat's bra – it's a front hook. I wiggle a finger under it, grinning at Cat. "Front hook?"

A smile quirks her face, and she says breathily, "I might have planned this." I kiss her lightly, feeling her grin against my lips. It's something I'm still not used to; that you can smile while kissing someone. It's nice... it's infectious. My fingers fumble with the catch, nervous. I manage to unhook it, feeling the material slacken in my hands. Cat pushes me up off her for a moment, lifting herself off the bed to slip it off her shoulders. My hands are trembling... I can't stop them. This... this has never happened before. I run my eyes over her, devouring her, and she's beautiful. Her breasts are small, but so perfectly formed, and whatever I'd imagined, whatever image I'd formed from touching them, from seeing them clothed... it doesn't compare to this.

I touch her breasts tentatively, Cat pushing herself forward into my hands. She's soft where Beck was hard muscle. I can't help but compare them. Beck was big, lanky... he was solid. Cat's tiny, and fragile, and I feel like I could break her so easily if I'm not careful. And... and there's something about that that appeals to me. I kiss Cat fervently, a thrill running through me. I like being in control, but I'm starting to like losing it too. I run my tongue over Cat's bottom lip, just to get a taste of her before I move my lips to her neck, kissing along her throat, her pulse throbbing against my lips. She's got a beautiful body, and looking at her, touching her, makes me want to taste every inch of it, to devour her. Her skin is hot as I trace it with my tongue, the slight taste of her bodywash flavouring it, perfuming it. I'm breathing her in with every lungful, she's all I can taste, all I can see, and it's not enough. I force myself, _force_ myself to keep my hand trembling on her waist, the other cupping her breast. I'm taking it slow... it's not about me. I'm not used to thinking about someone else... it's hard to resist my own urges. I drag my tongue over the curve of her breast, Cat shivering underneath me. I circle the hardened pink nub of her nipple, teasing myself just as much as her before I latch onto it, Cat moaning. Ugh. That moan, it still does things to me, makes my hips twitch against her. Cat responds similarly as I apply pressure, sucking on the sensitive nub, my thumb flicking over it's opposite. Her hips push up into me, her thigh moving between my legs, building friction over my panties, teasing me. I feel myself throb for her. I can't... I can't take this much longer. I can feel Cat's diaphragm, her ribs, shuddering against my breasts, agonisingly irritating as the material of my bra brushes against my own aching nipples. I release Cat's nipple with a wet sound, reaching around behind my back to fumble with the scratchy material, wanting to feel my flesh against hers. It's like all the nerve endings in my skin have come alive, and my underwear feel too harsh on my now-sensitive skin. Cat watches me with wide eyes, panting slightly after my assault on her nipples. I feel the catch give, pulling the material free and discarding it. Cat's eyes flick between my eyes and my newly revealed flesh, a look of almost reverence on her face. "J-jade... you're so beautiful." She says in a hushed tone. I can't stop a smile trembling across my face, and I move to kiss her. I can't not. It's the only way to make sure I don't say something stupid. Cat moans as our breasts come into contact, a shudder running through me. It feels... amazing.

"Oh, Cat..." I say in a soft, shivery voice. The things she's doing to me. I can't... I have to... I've gone slow for as long as I can. I can't take it anymore. My fingers find their way, shaking, to brush over her panties, Cat parting her legs wider as I come into contact. I exhale hard, feeling the soaked material. Another thread of my control torn loose. Cat almost whimpers as I rub my fingers over her. I stop almost immediately. I can't- I hook my fingers in the waistband of her panties, dragging them down, Cat raising her hips off the bed to help me. My own soon follow; they only served as an irritation, anyway.

I take a deep breath to calm myself, my hand resting on Cat's inner thigh. "Are you sure?" I scan her face. Once I start... I don't think I'll be able to stop. I'm borderline as it is. "We don't have to."

Cat's fingertips brush my jawline gently. "I want to with you." I kiss her again, my eyes shut tight, Cat leaning up into me with a soft sound. She breaks away with a soft gasp as my fingers come into direct contact with her, and I quickly find her clit, flicking over it quickly. Cat bucks against me, moaning, her head pressed back into her pillow, and I feel my breath turn to liquid. I'm actually doing this, I'm making Cat feel these things. I'm making her moan, and gasp, and twitch. Cat swallows hard as I move my fingers down, positioning them. She's so wet, I can feel it, but I have to do this slowly. This is the crux. Cat bites her lip in anticipation, and I can feel her thighs trembling against my hand. I'm actually going to do this. I've waited so long, it's _been_ so long since I felt anything like this- no. I've never felt this much longing, this much lust for anyone before. I push my fingers into her slowly, Cat whimpering as they slide in easily. I kiss her neck lightly, tenderly. "Are you okay?"

She nods, shivering, her eyes shut tight, teeth still clamped down on her lip. I curl my fingers inside her, Cat exhaling hard, her chest heaving against mine. I'm inside her. I'm actually inside her. I'm inside Cat, and just thinking that, just _doing_ this, is constricting my lungs so tight I can't- I can't breathe. Every beat of my heart hurts, and it pushes that much more breath out. I draw my fingers back before thrusting them into Cat again, faster this time, and I can almost feel an echo of the pleasure she's feeling as she cries out, her hips pushing against me, wanting more. I stroke Cat's tight, hot walls on each thrust, Cat's cries getting louder, making me grit my teeth against the feeling she stirs in me, this hunger, this hot thread that demands I fuck her harder, faster until we're both trembling and exhausted. But this isn't fucking. It's something more. "Oh, _Jade_..." Cat chokes out, her nails digging into my back as I increase my pace despite myself. I press my lips to the soft, heated skin of her throat, Cat's pulse throbbing strongly against my lips, my own heart beating just as hard.

"Fuck, Cat..." I can't stop myself from moaning through clenched teeth. I have to... I have to make her come. I _want _to make her come. I want to feel her. I want to hear her say my name. I push harder inside of her, in long strokes, Cat writhing underneath me with each thrust, a cry forced from her with each movement. Our skin is growing hot and slick where it's pressed together, Cat's thigh sliding between my legs, building friction against me. I let out a shaky breath against Cat's neck, shutting my eyes tight. It's not pleasure I'm feeling, but it's akin to it. It's that hot feeling running through me, and I can't think. Cat's melted me, I feel like I'm melding to her, like something in me is about to burst. It's not pleasure. It's in my heart. The feel of her, pushing into her, so hot, so wet, it's beyond what I even dreamed, what I even thought as my fingers tiptoed up her inner thigh on so many occasions. I'm inside of Cat. My breath sobs out, my pace faltering, and I fight to drag in another breath. Cat shudders, her body rippling against me, and I know she's close. I can feel her tense, her breath coming out in short pants, fragments of my name splintered in between. And then she's arching her back off the bed, clenching tight around my fingers as she comes with a sound that rips me in two, that turns me into soft butter and she's the knife. I keep thrusting inside of her, prolonging her climax for as long as I can, Cat's body still pressed up hard against me. I slow as I feel Cat start to relax, and she lets out a long exhale, her muscles slackening. I pull my fingers out of her, Cat's stomach muscles twitching as I do so. She starts to say my name, but I cut her off with a kiss, pouring all this feeling, all this emotion that's running through me into it. I've never kissed anyone like this before, I've never felt so vulnerable around anyone before. This was more than just an urge, it was a _need_. I feel her heartbeat start to slow, our breath still uneven, our bodies cooling as I move to lie beside her, my arms circling her. It's silent but for the sound of our breathing, the sound of my heart thundering painfully.

We lie there, my forehead pressed against hers in the dark, Cat's breath shaking, feathering my cheek, her hands cupping my face, warm and trembling. "I... I love you." She whispers softly in a rush of breath, almost as if she's scared to be saying it. There's a note of painful honesty in her voice, and she's not expecting anything. She's told me because it's true, because she _has _to tell me. And my chest grows heavy and hot, my heart wrenching itself like a wrung sponge, and I can't deny it any longer. I can't deny what this feeling is, as much as I want to. I love her. I'm in love with her, and I'm so scared of that. To feel that much again, for this fragile, dreamy girl who's so broken but tries so hard to pretend she's not.

She takes a deep, shuddery breath. "You don't have to say it back, but-"

"I love you."

Cat falls silent, and I can feel her heart beating into my fingers from where they're tracing over her shoulder-blade. She's wondering if she really heard that, and I don't blame her. I didn't sound like me. That sarcasm, that hint of amusement that's always in my voice... it wasn't there. What came out was raw, and painful, still dripping with my heart's blood. Part of me wishes I hadn't said it, that if only I hadn't I could still pretend, that I could fall in love with her slowly, sweetly... gradually, instead of this breakneck plunge where I'm scared to open my eyes, because I can't see the bottom, and I'm terrified that when I pull the ripcord on my parachute it won't open, and I'll just keeping falling faster and faster until I can't live without her. Until she consumes me. Until something goes wrong and I hit the ground and shatter.

"J-Jade?" Cat says in a tiny voice, and there's this sorrow-tinged thread of hope in it, like she wants so much to believe it, but she's sure it's not real.

I move my hand to her face, stroking over her cheek tenderly. "I'm in love with you Cat." And although I can barely breathe, and I feel like I'm falling apart, I'm glad I said it. I'm terrified, and anxious, and ecstatic, and I feel like my heart should be racing, but instead it's these powerful beats that reverberate through me and make my hands shake when I touch her. Cat's making these short, little breaths, and I can feel the goosebumps raise on her skin, a lopsided smile creeping across my face. I can't stop it. "I do." I whisper, and then Cat's kissing me, fervent, short kisses that she interrupts to gasp in breath, her body quivering against me.

As unsure as I was about tonight, as much as I still am unsure, I wouldn't take this back for anything. Cat... Cat loves me. I don't know why, I don't see why she'd ever like me in the first place, but she does, and I'm going to try my best not to let her down. To be there for her. Because I love her too, and I'll be there for her when no one else will. I'll protect her, not just because she needs it, not just because I feel guilty, not just because it's the right thing to do. No, I'm doing it because I love her, and I've made her happy. I hold Cat's happiness in my hands, and I'm not gonna let it slip through my fingers. It's a huge responsibility, and one that I never wanted when I started this whole thing, one that I still don't want because I'm scared, but I'm not about to fuck it up.

I love her. And it's terrifying.

**A/N: I'm not gonna detract from this with my nonsensical, unfortunately-not-drug-induced, present-strange-analogy style of humour. Next chapter? Certainly.**

**No. I'm gonna play this classy. I know you guys have waited a long time, and if it's been worth the wait, I'd be honoured if you'd leave a review. Even if it's just to tell me that I didn't let you down. 'Cause that'd be awesome. Not letting you down, that is.**

**So please, if it's been worth the long, interminable jfc-when-they-gonna-sleep-together wait, let me know, and I'll squee a little and rock back and forth and love you guys all the more.**


	26. Vulnerable

**Disclaimer: Cat and Jade don't belong to me, which I'd say is for the best.**

Cat's kisses are sweet and fervent, but her hands are clumsy and over-eager, touching over me too hesitant, too quick. It's flattering really, to know that I can make her this flustered. She's nervous, more nervous than I was. I think a part of her is expecting me to get fed up with her and push her off, and just see to myself. It honestly doesn't matter to me that her touches are so light, so tentative, because I can see how sincere she is, how much she wants to make me feel good, and it's an incredible turn on.

Even just the sensation of Cat lying on top of me, pressed against me so ardently, is amazing. But it's not just about the sensations, it's not just about her sincerity... it's about what Cat even doing this _means_.

The whole time I've been with her she's been timid, scared to take things a step further because she's afraid I'll reject her. The only time she's really done something like that is when she's desperate, when she's thought she was even closer to losing me than usual. She still does, a little. But the fact that she's doing this; it shows she's starting to believe me, starting to think I mean it when I say I won't leave her.

Cat sucks lightly on my pulse point, her mouth hot, dampening the skin, and I moan as her fingers trace the curve of my breast. Just because her touches are light doesn't mean they don't feel good. It's just they tend more to tease than to satisfy. Cat traces her way down to my breast, dropping soft kisses over my collarbone. She looks up at me as her tongue flicks over a nipple, her eyes huge and dark, wanting to see my reaction. My breath catches in my throat as her mouth latches on, her eyes still watching me, hands splayed over my ribcage. My back arches off the bed, Cat applying pressure. It feels amazing, and I throb for her... I've never been patient, and I don't think I'm about to learn now. "Unh... Cat..." I'm close to begging her. I know how important this is, how important it is that I make her feel comfortable, make her feel like she's doing fine.. to make her feel safe, but I can't stand it... this is unbearable.

Cat releases my nipple with a wet sound, moving back to my face, looking slightly worried. "I'm sorry... I got all caught up..." She drags an index finger over my stomach, the muscles shivering, a small smile on her lips. I lift my head to kiss her, Cat making a soft sound as I capture her lips. Her hand dips lower hesitantly, her fingers trembling against me. She breaks the kiss to look down, exhaling shakily as I part my legs, her fingertips brushing over my inner thigh. I swallow hard... I really don't think this is going to take long. She's built me up so much just by being _her_ in everything she does. There's never a moment she's not herself. It makes it easy to fall in love with her, because I know exactly what she is, _who_ she is. It makes it too easy... it's still terrifying to me how easy it was.

I close my eyes as Cat's hand moves to touch me directly, shuddering as the first tendrils of pleasure unfurl in me. Her fingertips brush over my clit, and I bite my lip, trying not to buck up against her. She moves further down, and I'm already so slick, so wet for her, that her fingers slide in easily. I can't stop the moan that escapes me, feeling Cat inside me. Oh God. Oh... it's every bit as good as I'd imagined. Cat kisses my jawline, whispering into my ear in amazement. "You're so... wet."

I shiver, Cat's fingers moving inside me, managing to nod quickly in agreement. Cat... she's always put me off guard... and it's always sort of upset me. It used to make me angry, because there's nothing you can say to some of the stuff she says. I hated it, because she made me feel vulnerable, because I didn't know what to say, how to act. I'm letting her make me vulnerable now... I'm letting myself _be_ vulnerable. And it's scary. The old me would never have let herself be this open. Even now my instincts are screaming at me, telling me that this'll only hurt later, that the best thing to do is to close myself off and pretend I don't love her. And I did that before, but I'm not going to now. I'm not the person who I was, and I have to remember that... it's too easy to fall back into old patterns.

Cat moves her fingers tentatively, working up a hesitant rhythm. It doesn't matter... I still feel that pleasure crawl inside me, scratching at my spine. Cat's lips still skitter over me, tracing over my neck, and I know she can feel my pulse, feel how hard my heart is beating. She kisses over my pulse point, her fingers stroking my walls, making me even wetter

I feel myself start to heat up, biting my lip as my hips push up into Cat involuntarily, wanting more friction than the gentle strokes she's giving. I groan, panting. It's not enough...I said it didn't matter, but this pleasure... it feels good, so good, but it's too soft... it's just teasing me. I can't stop myself from pleading, back arching. "P-please Cat... harder..."

Cat's breath shudders out against my neck, her fingers faltering. Fuck. I hope I haven't upset her... I just couldn't help myself... I couldn't stop myself from saying it, begging for it. I grit my teeth for a moment, anticipating Cat's hurt response. It doesn't come. Her breath keeps puffing against my neck, shaky, and she starts to thrust faster inside me, her fingers moving more forcefully. I moan, surprised, feeling a burst of pleasure, stronger than the flicker of feeling that had been crawling inside me before. I swallow hard, trying to suppress most of the noises I want to make as Cat gains confidence, pushing into me even harder, her lips still tremoring against my neck for a few moments at a time, broken only by her short breaths.

My breath hitches in my throat, the pleasure building quickly, helped along by the fact that this is Cat... she's had an effect on me that no one else has, awoken an appetite in me that I thought didn't exist. Things with Beck were good, they were, but I never opened myself like this... never let myself be so vulnerable during. This is Cat who's trying so hard, whose lips are so fervent against my skin, whose naked body is pressed against mine. Sweet, innocent, broken, little Cat. I try to stop my nails from digging into her back, my fingers trembling with effort. I can't stop myself as Cat ups the pace, pushing me even closer to the edge, making arch up off the bed into her. Cat gasps, her body jerking against me, and I bite my lip hard, muscles tensing as I'm sent over, trying to stop the cries that want to come out, unsuccessfully. "Oh...Cat..." I can't help but whimper, my breath sobbing out as pleasure courses through me, making me tighten around Cat's fingers. My chest heaves as I take in breath, starting to come down from the pure wave of pleasure, panting slightly.

Cat looks at me hopefully, a smile trembling at the corners of her mouth. "D-did I make you...?"

I answer with a kiss, pouring the last remnants of my pleasure into it. I break away when I need to take a breath, the muscles in my body still trembling. Cat smiles, her fingers stroking my cheek. "Can... can I sleep here? Like this? With... with you?"

I shift a little, wrapping my arms around Cat and getting a bit more comfortable. "Yeah. We can sleep like this." The smile widens on Cat's face, and she snuggles into my shoulder, fingers absentmindedly skimming in patterns over my skin. It's distracting, but I'm not about to tell her to stop. I catch myself smiling softly... I haven't been this happy in a long time. I haven't felt this much for so long, and it's Cat who's let me be so vulnerable. I... I trust her.

I'm just as vulnerable as Cat is, I think. I just never show it. If you pretend you don't have feelings for long enough, you start to think you don't. I don't feel scared, I don't feel this quiver in my heart, this longing. These aren't emotions that Jade has. Jade is strong, Jade is tough. If Jade doesn't have feelings, they can't get hurt. But I _am_ feeling these things... I'm not Jade. Not anymore, not the Jade everyone knows. I'm the Jade only Beck and Cat know, and Beck hasn't seen that side in a long time. I've fallen in love with Cat, and I'm still worried about that. It's happened to easily, made me too soft... no one likes a gooey Jade. Cat makes a soft noise of contentment, snuggling into me harder, her hair tickling me. There's that smile on my face again, the one I hate because I can't contain it. There's my heart racing again, thudding so crazily. I'm not the Jade I was. I'm the soft girl underneath, the one who's hidden for so long until Cat found her, cowering and pretending not to exist. The one that Cat has coaxed out, who's still scared, but not ready to hide again anytime soon. I'm not ready to give up this feeling. This happiness.

**A/N: I know, I know what you're all gonna say. Why did this take so long? You're a horrible person! Feed me storrrries!**

**I'm sorry. It did take longer than I thought. I hope this satisfies your Green Eyed Monster lust for a few days.**

**I'll try to get back on track, honest. Pinky swear! The most sacred and holy of all promises.**

**Please for to review. Even if it's just to tell me to get back to work. :D**


	27. Cat In Her Natural Habitat

**Disclaimer: I, demondreaming, do solemnly swear that I do not own Victorious. But come on, that's totally not fair.**

I'm awake before Cat is, sunlight filtering into the room and staining her smooth skin, dappling it. I don't move except to tilt my head so I can see her better. She's curled along me, my arm around her, her face nestled into me. She sleeps like a child, so soundly, so deeply. Her fingers twitch on my stomach, her face crinkling. She sleeps like a child, but I bet she has nightmares like one too. The thing about children is; they're so helpless. I don't want to wake her up, I don't want to disturb her. I'm... content, and I haven't felt this way in so long. Like everything is perfect, like everything is shining. If I don't move, nothing has to change, nothing can happen, and I can just stay here like this, happy.

Cat makes a soft sound, snuggling into me harder, her breath exhaling against my skin. She's waking up. Sex changes everything. It does, no matter how much you pretend it doesn't. You've stripped yourself raw in front of this person, you've given them your body and let them do what they want with it. And maybe some people can do that easily, maybe to some people it doesn't matter, but it does to me. It does to Cat. I'm scared... sex changes everything. I've told her I love her, she's told me she... she loves me. It was easier then, in that flush of emotion, in that closeness. In the intimate darkness. It's so much harder in the light.

Cat makes a soft squeak, stretching, her skin sliding against mine. Her eyes open, face turning up to look at me. She smiles. "Hi."

I feel my lips turn up in response to Cat's radiant smile. My heart's starting to race, and it hurts. I'm so vulnerable, and I don't like it. I feel like I'm about to get hit at any moment. I've done too many bad things to be able to be this happy for long. The universe won't allow it... but the universe can get fucked. No matter how hard it makes it, I'm not giving Cat up. "Hi."

Cat takes a deep breath, stretching her limbs out and leaning up, capturing me in a soft kiss. It's sweet, slow... short. It's strangely satisfying, and it wakes me up a surprising amount, like a jolt of caffeine. Cat pulls away, snuggling back into me, her fingers tracing over my stomach in lazy circles. "You're still here." She murmurs softly, that smile still on her face.

My stomach flip flops under Cat's fingers. I can't believe that she really thought I wouldn't be here, no... I don't think she thought that. I think she's just comforted, that she's relieved to find that I _am_ still here, because she expected me to be. It was just that little distrustful part of her that suggested I wouldn't be. I have that part too. It's telling me that this is dangerous, that I'm being too vulnerable, that I _should_ go. It's insistent, but I'm quashing it. I don't want it ruining this, making me doubt myself, making me distance myself from her. I let it do that before, for so long. I want to be this close to her, so close I can't stand it. I let out a long, deep breath, hugging her to me. "I'm still here."

A soft grin splits Cat's face, and she looks up at me again, her eyes sparkling. "Should we put some clothes on?"

I let my eyes run over her bare body appreciatively. "Not just yet."

Cat rolls over onto her stomach to hit me lightly on the shoulder, grinning. "Jade!"

I move my hands to her slim waist, fingernails skimming over the warm skin. I like holding her, feeling where her hips curve. It feels solid, it feels real.

It's hard for me to fall in love. I've only ever loved Beck, and that took a long time. It took a long time for me to trust him. Every step of the way my instincts tell me to run, to hide, that it's a trap, and I'll only get hurt if I let myself feel that way. It took so long with Beck, and I hid my feelings behind jealousy, behind anger. I don't want to do that with Cat. I've let myself fall headlong, and I want to scramble back, to take a breath, but I'm not going to let myself. I want to be scared, I'm tired of doing what's safe. I want to know that my heart is hers, that she can do with it what she will. I want to stop saving it, stop holding it back for something that isn't real. I love her, and nothing will be more perfect than this.

Cat kisses me, her skin warm and smooth where my hands skim over her. She deepens the kiss, her tongue flicking over my bottom lip, and I feel myself start to heat up, feel that throb between my legs, my hands gripping her tighter. I lean up into the kiss as Cat moves to straddle me, a hand caressing my breast gently. Things are starting to get hot and heavy, as I break away to pant for breath, feeling that insistent pull between my legs. We freeze at the sound of a door closing, the chatter of voices filtering through. Cat's eyes widen, fear in them. "Wh-what time is it?" She moves off me, scrabbling on her bedside table for her phone and checking it. "I-it's my parents." Cat's face is desperate, terrified.

"Fuck." I swear, sitting up.

Cat moves off the bed, scrambling for underwear. "It's okay... they don't usually check on me first."

I ignore the pulse of anger that brings and roll off the bed, finding my panties. I pull them on, Cat tossing me my shirt. I'm used to getting dressed quickly... Beck's parents didn't understand privacy... it's one of the reasons he lives in the driveway. Cat runs her hand through her hair quickly, examining herself in the mirror. She nods, taking a deep breath. "Okay." She forces a smile onto her face. "Okay."

It's interesting to watch her put that mask on. That mask that fits her so well by now. The one that says she's happy, that she's harmless... the one that lets people ignore her because it's so unremarkable. I hate that she has to do that... but I hate it even more that she has to do it around her parents. We head out of her room together, finding her parents in the kitchen, her brother thumping through another part of the house. It's odd... but I still haven't met him. I keep forgetting he exists. Cat's mother lifts her head as we walk into the kitchen, her eyes flicking to me before dismissing me. "Cat sweetie, did you have pizza?" She lifts the empty pizza box on the counter and lets it drop again. "You know you're not supposed to have pizza Cat. There's too many carbs. And why didn't you tell me you were having a friend over?" She smiles at me, and I see that wall that Cat doesn't have up... not fully yet. That wall that detaches you from feeling anything. "...Jade, is it?"

I nod tersely. "It's my fault, really. I wanted pizza."

Cat's mom laughs, the sound tinkling fakely. "Oh sweetie, it's fine. Cat knows she's not supposed to have pizza."

Cat shifts uncomfortably, that cringing smile still on her face. She can't not do it... it's her parents. "Hi Daddy." Cat says softly to her father, who's rummaging through the fridge. He doesn't look up. "How was the show?" He grunts in response. It infuriates me... can't they see how vulnerable Cat is? How ingratiating? How much she's hoping they'll say something nice to her? Can't they see how hard she's trying? How can they just ignore her? It's an effort not to say anything, to not rip them into shreds and make them know what they're doing. Maybe they already do know, they just don't care.

It's not a conversation Cat's having with her parents, as I stand slightly to the side of her, trying not to listen... trying not to get angrier. A conversation involves more than one person, and Cat's the only one who's talking, who's listening... who's trying. It sickens me.

I follow Cat back to her room, the 'conversation' over, and it makes me feel lucky for what I have with my parents. I close the door behind us, turning to her. "Are you okay?"

Cat looks surprised. "What's that supposed to mean?" It's odd hearing that come out of her without the hurt in it... just soft confusion. It's odd seeing how she changes with me, how she shows herself to me. It makes me feel special, to know I'm the only one that mask comes off around... and it scares me too. It's a huge responsibility to be the only person Cat trusts.

I gesture towards the door. "Your parents. Are you okay?"

Cat tilts her head. "Why wouldn't I be?"

She's used to it. She's come to think it's normal, to be treated like that. It _does_ hurt her, I know it does, but she's convinced herself that it's her fault. I shake my head. "Never mind."

Cat frowns, her eyebrows pulling together briefly before she shrugs, letting it go. Good. I don't want to tell her that her parents are assholes... not yet, anyway. I don't want to upset her... I don't want to start a fight, even if I am right. They _are_ assholes. Cat turns to her bed, tugging at a corner. The blankets are strewn in a mess, a reminder. She smooths the blanket out, a smile crossing her face as she does so. I pick up a pillow that's fallen off her bed, sitting it back up, turning to her when I feel her hand circle around my wrist. A soft smile crosses her face, tinged with some hesitance.. "Last night..." She looks at the bed. "This morning... you... you still mean what you said?"

I swallow hard. She always gives me a way out, and a part of me is always so tempted to take it, because it'd just be so much easier. I lick my lips, forcing a smile. "I do... I love you Cat."

I see her lower lip tremble, and it's worth feeling this fear, this panic telling me to just run. It's the selfish part of me that can't take this, but it's worth it to see how happy it makes her, that she believes it. And it almost feels good to be this scared, because I know it's real then, it must be if it terrifies me this much. She looks down, licking her lips, her breath uneven. "You love me."

I take her face in my hands, tilting it up towards me, looking into her coffee coloured eyes. I want her to know I'm sincere, that I mean it. "I do, Cat."

She exhales hard right before my lips meet hers, and I hear her whisper as we part, "I love you too... so much." She kisses me again, softly, her lips smiling against mine, hands linked behind my neck. She rests her forehead against mine after, her nose crinkling. "We should go to school. We're already late."

I purses my lips. "Yeah... we _could_ do that... or we could go to my house and watch movies all day. I've got icecream." I say teasingly, grinning. I like seeing the way her eyes light up, the doubt in her face about whether she should do something so... _bad_. It's adorable. It sounds stupid, but okay... maybe I'm a bit mushy at heart. And I hate school... and I just want to spend the day with Cat. I admit it. I'm a softy. There. I'm a big pile of gooey love right now, and I hate myself for being so sweet and cuddly... it makes me feel like an idiot, but I can't help it. She makes me less myself and yet so much more... she lets me show sides of myself I wasn't sure were even there.

I'm looking forward to spending the day with her... to holding her, seeing her be happy, seeing her relaxed and without that pain I usually see in her.. and maybe just a little part of me is hoping we'll sleep together again, because even just thinking about last night, about the way Cat shivered underneath me... it makes my heart flip flop sickly. It's a fantastic feeling, but all I want is to be with her. She makes me happy... and I never thought I'd use the words 'me' and 'happy' in a sentence unless there was a 'not' somewhere in it. But she does, more than she knows... she's as important to me as I am to her. It's dangerous. So, so dangerous. There's too much at stake here.

**A/N: I know, I'm a terrible person, neglecting you guys. I'm sorry, but not really. There's not much I can do with updates... I post them as soon as they're done.**

**Unless you guys want to financially support me, then I'll update all you want...**

**...But I lead a very decadent lifestyle. Hand fruits as big as your head, chaise lounges, generally being hedonistic. It's a fun time. But expensive.**

**So review, and I'll leave my wine and my women to update... for a little bit anyways,**


	28. Raining And Wet

**Disclaimer: Victorious – it's like a yacht, really. Luxurious, expensive, and when other people see it they get insanely jealous and figure everyone in it/on it must be douches. Also, I don't own either...**

"...And they had so many flavours but they said I could only pick two, because it was a two scoop, and I wanted the bubblegum and the cookie dough, but they had rocky road and mango as well and then I saw they had sorbet, and then they made me leave for holding the customers up, and now I'm not allowed to go back there."

I look over at Cat, taking my eyes off the road, the sky dim and overcast. Her stories are... unique, to say the least, and usually devastating, but she always tells them with a smile, like they're nothing. I don't know whether it's an act or not or whether she is actually completely unperturbed by this stuff. Maybe she's just gotten used to it. She smiles at me brightly as I quickly scan my eyes over her. She seems fine... maybe it's just me. I can't help but read into everything she says... I'm making her something she's not. Sure, she exaggerates her irreverence, her cheerfulness to hide the cracks, but she is genuinely an optimistic person. Just not when it comes to herself. She's accepted those 'facts' about herself; that she's worthless, that she's unlovable, and it makes it a lot harder to change. She believes them, and she's okay with them. It's me who's not okay with it.

I pull into my driveway, brakes squealing a little. Cat unbuckles her seatbelt eagerly, practically bouncing while I struggle with mine. Cat's hand snakes over, pushing the release, the belt retracting as she grins at me. I smile back, Cat leaning over and kissing me lightly before pulling away. She opens the car door, climbing out, while I sit there for a moment, a smile at the corner of my lips. I shake my head, clambering out and making my way to the front door. Cat squeals as it starts to rain, cold drops spattering over us as I fumble with the keys. It's coming down heavy, a wet roar that drowns out all other noise. I get the door open, turning to Cat. Her head is tilted back, tongue stuck out and eyes closed, her arms stretched out wide, palms turned out. I've said she's like a child, and... I admire that about her. Sure, she feels everything so much, so strongly, but I forgot that doesn't just apply to the bad things, it applies to the good things as well, the simple joy that kids can feel, even from the tiniest things. It's beautiful. "Come on, you're gonna get soaked." I say to her in a soft voice, holding out my hand. Cat opens her eyes, smiling radiantly at me. She takes my hand, skin wet and slippery on mine, her fingers lacing themselves between mine, and I pull her forward. I wipe a drop off her cheek, Cat beaming and bringing her lips to me, her mouth wet and slightly cold, tasting of rain. Cat's tongue runs along my bottom lip, and I pull away to take a breath, grinning at her, my eyes running over her form. "We should really get you out of those wet clothes."

Cat smirks at me, and it's odd to see such a look on her... it's almost seductive. "Why'd you think I was standing in the rain?"

I raise an eyebrow at her. Frankly... I just... I'm impressed. I'm stunned. More than anything though, I'm turned on. Even more so now that I know exactly how good fucking her can be. I'm thankful my parents are at work, because although my skin is chill and wet, Cat's lit a fire in me already.

I lead Cat to my room, her fingers filling the spaces between mine, little droplets of rain dripping from us. To be quite honest, I didn't plan this. I honestly didn't. I mean sure, I'd hoped, but I wasn't going to push her. I just wanted to spend the day with her, no matter what we did. It was the same way with Beck. When I love someone, I really love them. I spend as much time as I can with them. With Beck, I was always scared to leave him alone, because what if, in that time, he found someone better? With Cat, I'm not worried about that. There's no one better for Cat than me. I can see why, I can see why she needs me, why I'm the one for her. With Beck, I couldn't see that, I couldn't see how I was special, couldn't see why he'd be with _me_. But with Cat? I see her. I see what she really is, and no one else does that, no one else has tried. And maybe that's why she's always liked me, because she knew that I saw her, and I still talked to her, still treated her like a friend, even knowing there was something wrong with her, even if I didn't know what at the time. Even if I didn't care enough to find out then.

I drop my handbag at the foot of the bed, turning to Cat. Cat's skin is slick and slightly chilly under my fingers, and I run my hands over her, trying to warm her up, rubbing her arms as I give her a light kiss, my forehead resting against hers. She kisses me fervently, her slight body leaning into me, and I'm surprised to feel her hands fumbling with my pants already, tugging the zipper down. I break the kiss, backing away from her a little. "C-cat..."

She pouts at me, her hands still outreached before she brings them back in by her sides. "Am I going too fast?"

I lick my lips, wiping a dribble of rain off my cheek. "No, no... I'm just... surprised."

Cat smiles at me, brushing her hair back. Her eyes flick over me, and I feel the pit of my stomach drop. "I wanna make you feel good." She says sweetly, that soft smile still on her lips. I swallow hard as she moves in closer to me, her hands on the waistband of my jeans. "Can I make you feel good?"

I can't think. I can't even... this is a new side of Cat. I should be examining her, seeing if there's something behind this, but I can't... I can't think. I find myself nodding, responding as Cat kisses me, her hands pushing my jeans down, fingers hooked in my panties. She pulls back for a moment to pull off her own shirt, my hands working quickly at the zip to her skirt, the material sliding off her. Cat moves back to me, capturing me in another passionate kiss, her tongue flicking over my lips. It's odd to have her take the lead, to not be the one pushing her, losing control. It's odd, but I like it. Her hands push against my shoulders gently, and I sit on the bed, Cat's hands stroking my cheek as she smiles down at me. My eyes trace over her body wistfully before it's obscured as I take my own top off, hair tumbling over my shoulders. Cat kneels before me, and I look at her curiously, shivering as her hands rest on my thighs. "Cat? What are you-"

She grins at me again, leaning up to kiss me lightly, her hand pushing lightly on my stomach. I let her push me down, hearing her giggle. My breath is short, muscles tensed. I can't see her and it's an incredible turn on. I'm tempted to sit up, to see what she's doing. I freeze when I feel her hands on the insides of my knees, pushing my legs apart. I look down, as much as I can, seeing a flash of red hair, Cat's lips brushing over my stomach. Her fingers trace over the very insides of my thighs, getting dangerously close and making my muscles tremble in anticipation. Her lips follow the path of her fingers, and I get an idea of what she's going to do. She- she's going to-

Cat's tongue flicks over me tentatively, my breath rushing out. "C-cat-" I moan as her tongue finds my clit, flicking harder. My eyes roll back in my head. "Oh, Cat..."

Cat giggles, the sound vibrating against me and it just- oh god, it's amazing. Cat's lips capture the sensitive nub, sucking lightly, and I fight to stop my hips pushing into her, my hands clenching the quilt in my effort. That pleasure is building so quickly in the pit of my stomach, Cat's tongue lapping at me, bringing me closer, uncontrollably. "F-fuck, Cat-" I'm pleading with her, my breath escaping in little bursts, my hand moving to tangle in her hair, to pull her away, to pull her closer, to just anchor myself. She drags her tongue down, penetrating me shallowly, her tongue just dipping in, and my hips twitch against her, a moan escaping me. Cat- Cat's tongue is inside me...

I push my head back into the bed, biting down hard on my lip. Cat moves her attention back to my clit, tongue tracing over it in rapid little patterns, making me tremor. Her hands keep my legs spread wide, firm on my inner thighs, my muscles trembling against her palms. I feel it growing, building with every tenacious flick of Cat's tongue, every brush of her lips, as she suckles insistently, making me writhe until it spills over me in a great wave, filling my nerves hotly, making my hips jerk against her involuntarily, my hand flexing in her hair as I climax with a loud moan, Cat's name tangled in my throat. Cat keeps her tongue on me throughout, prolonging it, my back arching off the bed, Cat moving with me. She pulls away as my body starts to relax, squirming up beside me on the bed, swiping a hand across her mouth. I'm panting, putting a hand to my forehead as Cat grins at me, an arm draped over my stomach. She looks proud, and I can't blame her... she should be. I lick my lips, trying to regain my breath. "Cat... I... how-?"

Cat giggles again, leaning over to kiss me lightly. I respond dazedly, tasting myself on her lips. "It's supposed to feel really good."

I nod, blinking. "It does." I feel a twinge at the thought. It... it was amazing. I mean, Beck's gone down on me before, but Cat... Cat's got a skilled tongue. Cat kisses me again, deepening it, her tongue bringing the taste of myself even stronger into my mouth, and I shift to face her more, my hands creeping onto her waist, sliding over her hips. I hook my thumbs under the waistband of her panties, preparing to work them down. I'm interrupted by the sound of my phone, slightly muffled by my bag. I'm tempted to let it go, but Cat's pushed me away a little, looking to the foot of my bed.

"Aren't you going to get it? It could be important."

I sigh, removing my fingers from Cat's panties and sitting up. I grab hold of my bag, rummaging for my phone. I frown as I see the caller... it's Beck. I hit the answer button.

**A/N: Wow, right? Here's where I'd make some oral sex joke, probably something like; What do lesbians make for dinner? Nothing! They eat out!**

**But I'm not going to stoop that low, even though I already just did.**

**How happy are they? So, so happy. They're in love, the sex is great... and they're just adorable. So happy... Just sayin'**

**Please, review. I'm sure there's things you want to say...**

**Oh, and I received a lovely message from Xdark birdX**

**I'd reply, but you seem to have disabled that function, so... thanks for reading, and for your message :D**


	29. An Important Call

**Disclaimer: Victorious is like flying monkeys, not _actually_ real, like in real life, and also, it can't fly very well yet. Also, I own neither.**

"What?"

"Jade?"

I can hear noise in the background... Beck's probably at school. "Yeah, what do you want?" My voice is impatient as I glance over at Cat, who's sitting on the bed with a smile on her face. She's still without a shirt, and I'm still very much aware of that. I'm even more aware of Cat's hand rubbing over my back gently, fingers barely brushing me.

"Why aren't you at school?"

I hear a clack, and then it gets a little quieter. Beck's gone somewhere more private.

"Because." I say tersely.

He sighs loudly into the phone. "It's because of Cat, isn't it?"

I glance over at the person in question, who's smiling dreamily, her hair slightly mussed up. "Look, can this wait?"

"No. It can't." My eyebrows pull down, eyes tearing themselves from Cat. Beck's tone... it's not one I've heard from him much. "We need to talk, _now_." His voice is harsh, serious, and... it alarms me. Beck's always been so laid back, so relaxed. I've hardly heard him speak beyond a drawl but for in plays. He never loses his cool, but... he's losing it now. He came close to losing it in the janitor's closet. I glance over at Cat again, briefly.

"Just give me a sec." I stand, shoulder pressing the phone into my ear as I shimmy on some panties. Cat lowers her hand from where it'd been rubbing my back, looking up at me questioningly. I cover the mouthpiece of the phone for a moment, taking it away from my ear. "I won't be long."

Cat's smile spreads across her face again. "Told it you it was important."

I close my bedroom door behind me, walking to the kitchen. Whatever Beck wants to talk about... I don't want Cat to hear. I lean over the granite counter, the speckled surface cool against my forearms. I press the phone to my ear again. "Okay. What is it?"

Beck's voice is terse. "Why are you doing this?"

I frown, "Doing what?"

"W-why are you toying with me like this Jade?" Beck's voice breaks, and I feel my heart lunge. He's never... I've never heard him so unsettled.

"Like what? Beck... what are you talking about?" I'm utterly perplexed. I don't... I haven't done _anything_.

"Stop Jade. Just... just stop. This thing with Cat, it's not real."

"Beck... I thought you understood."

"How can you just get over me so easily?"

"Me?" I splutter. "You're the one who started dating Tori five minutes after we broke up."

There's a moment of silence on the other end of the line, as if Beck had forgotten about that. "But I broke up with her Jade, I broke up with her for you. You... you said you still wanted me."

I sigh. Why can't anything ever be easy? "What do you want me to say Beck? That I'm still using Cat, that I don't feel anything for her? That Cat's just a tool to get you back? That Cat means nothing to me? That this is one of my sick games to punish you? Would that make you feel better? What do you think would happen if we got back together?" I turn my head at a clattering sound, lowering my voice just in case. There's nothing there... probably just the cat, but still, I don't need Cat hearing this.

Beck's quiet for a few moments. "We'd... we'd be happy." He says it doubtfully. Beck's smart, he's not stupid enough to actually think we would be, but feelings aren't logical. That's why I never had them. There's no reasoning with your emotions, and he can't help but hope.

"You know we wouldn't be. We weren't before. You know that. Why do you think things would be different?"

He sighs heavily, and I shift uncomfortably, straightening and glancing into the hall that leads into my room. I squint... my door's open, light filtering into the dim hall. "I know. I just... I still love you Jade. I'm trying so hard not to, but... all I can think about is you. I can't... I can't stand it. How can you get over me so quickly when I can't get over you?"

I listen distractedly, moving around the counter into the hall. "I can't answer that. I'm sorry Beck, but..." The door is open. I look inside... She's not there. Maybe Cat's just gone to the bathroom or something. The girl's got a bladder like a squirrel. "But... I can't... I don't know what to say."

Beck takes a deep breath. "I... I know. This was stupid. I... I'm not normally like this-"

I move further down the hall, peering into every open room. Cat's curious, maybe she's just exploring. Oh God, I hope she hasn't gotten into my film collection. If she finds _The Little Mermaid_... I'll never live it down. "I know you're not. Maybe you should talk to Lane?" I really don't know what else to suggest, and to be quite honest, my full attention isn't with Beck. I know that Cat's probably just distracted somewhere, or in the bathroom, or any of a million other innocent things, but... I can't help but feel slightly worried.

"Maybe you're right. I... I think I might. I'm sorry."

"It's fine." My tone is a little sharper than I intend, but... I still haven't found Cat and I'm almost out of rooms to check, so unless she's hiding on purpose, I'm running out of ideas as to where she could be. "I... I have to go, Beck."

He sighs again. "Okay. I..." He hesitates, as if there's more he wants to say. I'm torn... Beck... I've never heard him this upset, but Cat's... Cat's more important now. He finally just says, "Bye."

"Bye." I press the end button. I've reached the bathroom. It's the last place she could be, at least if she's still inside the house. The door's open. "Cat?" I already know she's not in there. "Fuck." I say softly. Maybe... maybe she's back in my room. I can hope.

She's not there. She's not here. I catch a glimpse of myself in my mirror. My eyes are wide, and the sight only increases my panic, seeing how worried I look. It makes it more real, somehow. I run a hand through my hair, stooping to pick up my discarded jeans and tugging them on. Cat's shirt is gone off the floor. Well... wherever she is, at least she's wearing a shirt. I know, I _know_ I shouldn't be worrying this much. It's Cat, she's easily distracted, but given the conversation I just had with Beck... what if she heard?

I head out the front door, looking around outside... it's my last hope. Maybe she's gone to twirl in the rain some more. I hope... I hope... no. Stop it. You're just... you're overreacting. You're worrying, because this is what you do when you care about someone, when you, Jade, love someone. Every little thing is the end for you. It was the same with Beck. All he had to do was even just mention a girl, and you were sure he was fucking her. And he never, ever was.

I dial Cat's number on my phone impatiently. It's the last thing I can think of. She's probably just hiding somewhere, waiting for me to walk past so she can spring out, giggling. It seems like the kind of thing she'd do, so I head back into the house, phone ringing. "Hi, this is Cat, which... you probably already know since you called me! I can't talk right now, so leave a message and I'll get right back to you, promise."

She's not answering. And she's not here. I pace back and forth, ringing her again. I'm overreacting, I know. I have to be. I can't... I don't know what to do though. I don't know where she could be. I just... I need a minute to think. Fucking Beck. No... it's my own fault. Why did I even answer? I'm overreacting. That's all. I head into my room again, grabbing my handbag and pulling out my car keys. Overreacting or not, I'm going to look for her. I can't just stay here, pacing back and forth and going out of my mind. And if she's out there, in the rain, then that can't be good for her. Cat's not the type to worry about her health. I know because she always gets colds, and I'm the one who has to look after her. I couldn't figure it out until she told me she used to like laying in the rain and closing her eyes, just pretending she was under a waterfall. I thought it was stupid... I still do, but I find myself hoping that's all it is this time too. Just Cat being Cat. I close the front door to my house, unlocking my car. It has to be. It has to.

**A/N: Not much of an author's note this time I'm afraid. Too sick for that. I feel like eating skittles so at least I'll be puking rainbows. Or maybe red and green gummy bears, you know, get some festive puke going.**

**So for the many people I've disgusted, and the one I've somehow turned on, please review, and your words will be just as good as any doctor's, and perhaps more legible.**


	30. The Crux

**Disclaimer: Victorious. No. Nup. No way. Not even.**

I'm driving way too fast, and then I'm driving way too slow, I'm in such a hurry to find her, but I have no idea where to start. Hollywood's a big place, and I'm not even sure I'm going in the right direction. It's hard to see in the rain as it is, and I'm tempted to just abandon the car and go on foot, yelling her name. But that would be stupid, and not all of my logic is gone yet. I can't help it... I just... I panic under stress. It's happened before, when Beck broke up with me, when I started sweating that time... I just... I need control. And I've lost it. I don't know where she is, and she's not answering her phone. I'm trying to keep calm. Cat's flighty, chances are it's nothing. But if it is something, then it's big. It's huge, and I hope that those susurrant voices in my head are wrong, that what I'm thinking is wrong. I just... I have to find her. That'll help, no matter what happens.

It's getting increasingly hopeless, and I'm getting more and more desperate. Calm down Jade, just... you're overreacting. It's Cat. Exactly, it's Cat, you know how fragile she is. How easy it would be to break her, irrevocably.

It's so dark, so grey, so hard to see. I'm looking for any sign of her. She's wearing a yellow hoodie for Christ's sake. Her hair is almost fluorescent. She should be easy to spot, but I'm not seeing her. I want to drive faster, but I'm scared that I'll miss her. Who even knows if I'm going the right way? I almost slam on the brakes when I see a flash of red hair, and I pray it's not just some random kid. It seems like everyone's dyeing their hair that colour lately. And I can't promise I wouldn't hit them with my car in frustration.

I pull over to the kerb, almost going up over it in my haste. The car is parked crooked, but I don't care, throwing my seatbelt off and pulling the handbrake on. "Cat!" I jog up to the small figure, rain spattering over me, my breath puffing out in white clouds. I grab hold of her shoulder, trying to be gentle, but my panic makes my fingers clumsy. "Cat, are you okay?" Her eyes slide away from my gaze, her face downturned. She shrugs. "Cat, what are you doing out here, I was so-"

"Jade. Stop." Her voice is quiet, but it cuts straight through me. It's not Cat, it doesn't sound like Cat. Her voice is... i-it's not her. It freezes my insides, as if the rain was slicing straight through me.

"Cat... please..." I see now that her eyes are red-rimmed. She's soaked to the bone, and somehow she looks even smaller, even more vulnerable than I've ever seen her before. I can barely croak out a sentence, because I can feel what's coming. I've seen something similar to this in her before. I can see the cracks.

"I... heard you..." She looks up at me now, her eyes wide, and I wish she hadn't. I never wanted her to look at me like this. With that... that hurt. Because of me.

"Cat, it's not true... let me explain... please." It sounds weak, even to me. It's what I've heard people say in movies, in television, so many times, and I've never bought it. I always thought they deserved what they had coming to them, that their explanations weren't good enough. I'm one of them now. "Please, Cat... just... get in the car, out of the rain, and we can talk about this."

She puts a hand to her chest, touching lightly over her heart. "Jade... it hurts. It hurts so much..." She says it almost in a tone of wonder, her body shivering. She's been out in the rain for a while.

"Cat... I said those things to Beck to make him see... to make him see what an idiot he was being. That even if I didn't care about you, I still couldn't be with him." I don't even know if she's listening to me, and my teeth are starting to chatter. Of course, it hardly ever rains in Hollywood, but it just had to today.

"Everything was a lie?" There's a thread of hope in her voice. She wants to believe me, she's always wanted to believe me. Maybe... maybe I can fix this, maybe...

"Cat... I..." But I have to tell her the truth. If I lie to her now, and she finds out later, it'll crush her even more. "I was using you. Before. I'm not now, I swear. I haven't been for a long time. I... I thought I could use you to make Beck jealous, and... it worked. But... I don't want him anymore Cat. I want you. I... I love you... Cat..." Her face is blank, and I draw her into a hug, wrapping my arms around her shivering frame. She doesn't hug back, her arms limp at her sides, and I don't know, maybe it'd be better if she resisted, at least then I'd know how she was feeling. I pull back, holding her shoulders. "Cat, say something, please."

She flinches as I speak and I feel my stomach drop. "How can I believe you? How can I believe anything you've said?" She says it sincerely, like she's really asking me, and I wish she'd get angry, I wish she'd hit me, because that I could deal with, not this childish confusion, where she's looking up at me and asking me why I'm hurting her. And how can I answer? I _did_ lie to her, I _did_ use her.

"Cat, I love you. Please believe me."

Her eyes are so dark, so... tired. This isn't the Cat I know. This is what happens when you take away the light. She's a shell, and whatever spark she had... I can't see it now. "It's a lie." She takes a deep, shuddering breath, and I drop my hands from her, bringing them to my sides. "You... why Jade? Why would you...?" I can't see her tears in the rain. I don't need to. I can hear them in her voice.

"Cat... I didn't know then. I was... it was stupid. I don't... Cat, I'm sorry." I didn't know. I didn't know how fragile she was then. I never meant to... why am I such a fucking idiot? I had to use the one girl who couldn't take it. And I knew, I knew she was fragile, I just didn't... I didn't know how much. I'm not the same person I was back then, and I should be saying these things to her, but my tongue is numb in my mouth, stumbling over my words, and it all sounds so stupid in my head.

Her eyes are downcast, her lips barely moving. "It's all a lie..."

I feel like shaking her, like kissing her, like doing _something_ to make her see, to make her believe. "Cat, no... no, it's not Cat. I love you-"

"_Stop saying that_." Cat takes a step back, covering her ears, and her voice is like broken glass, grinding into me. It hurts, like a hand, tight around my heart and squeezing. I've lost control. I'm helpless, and I'm falling apart. What do I do? What do I say? What... I don't know what to do.

"Cat..."

She looks at me, her face so pale, so drained, crimson strands of hair plastered across her face. "Everything was a lie. Everything. Why would you..." Her body is racked with a sob that she struggles to control. "Why would you lie to me?" And it's like a light switch is flicked, and all emotion just fades from her face. It's terrifying. "It's happening again." She murmurs, a little furrow in her brow. "How can it hurt this much again?"

"Cat, listen, _please_. I love you. Those things I said to Beck, they were lies. If I could take back what I did, I would. Please believe me Cat. I never... I never wanted to hurt you." This tone... I've never heard it come out of me before, this pleading, begging tone. I... I need her. I can't stand this.

She flinches again, her face twitching. "Stop it. Just stop lying Jade. Why are you lying? You never wanted me. Why would you? I told you you could use me. I said you could. I just... why did you have to lie?" Her eyebrows are turned up, and there's such innocent confusion in her face. I just... I wish she would listen, but she's shutting me out. How can she believe anything I'm saying? I lied to her once. Why should she believe me? "Wh-why did you have to say you loved me?" Her voice breaks, and I feel the tears roll over my own cheeks, hot over the chill skin. They don't matter. Her voice is barely above a whisper when she says, "Why did I have to believe you?"

She bites her lip, but I can see the spasm rack her body. The rain slackens off, but I barely notice. I'm numbed, and it's not by the cold. "Cat, I never lied about that. I do love you. I'm in love with you. You have to believe me." I'm begging her, I'm close to getting on my knees and just pleading with her to believe me.

She smiles, but it's just a movement of muscles. There's nothing in it. "It's okay Jade. You don't have to feel sorry for me." She nods. "I'll make it easy. You don't have to keep pretending. It's over. You don't have to be with me anymore, 'kay?"

It's like everything has been robbed from me. I can't... I should be feeling something. I should be doing something, but all I can do is stare at her. I just feel so... cold, all the way through. I feel empty. "Cat... Don't do this. Please don't do this."

"You don't have to pretend anymore. I... I told you you'd realise. That I'm..." That fake smile flickers, her voice faltering. "That I'm not worth it."

"I haven't realised anything." Dammit. My nose is getting all stuffy, and I swipe a hand across it roughly. "I'm not pretending. I'm not, please, please Cat." I grab her shoulders, taking a ragged breath. "Please look at me."

"I can't." She avoids my gaze, but I take her chin, tilting her head up to mine and kissing her, our lips shivering against each other. She kisses back, her lips cold, and it's all I can do, it's all I can think to do. My words aren't working, and they're getting harder and harder to say.

She pulls back, our lips parting and her hand on my cheek. "Please don't follow me." My hands are stiff, and frozen, and she shrugs me off easily, turning away, and I can't even force out a noise. I can't even beg her, because this fucking vice is so tight around my chest. This can't be happening. She can't be leaving. I try to get my legs to work, try to get voice to say something, anything, but all I can do is stand there and shiver. And I'm screaming, I'm begging her inside, but I can't get it out. She doesn't look back. Not even once. And I wish she would so she could see how much this is hurting me, how I'm struggling just to breathe. And then she turns a corner and she's gone. That's when it hits me, really hits me, like a physical kick to the gut, and I sob out a breath. This... this isn't real. It's Cat, she's joking and... stop. You can't even believe that. It was such a small thing, it was such a tiny mistake... it happened so quickly. How can it happen so quickly? It was an accident, I didn't even mean to say those things to Beck, and she wasn't supposed to hear and... how can she do this? She loves me, I know she does, and she has to know I love her. How can she still think... how can she... how can...

I move woodenly over to my car, almost falling into the driver's seat. I don't care that I'm soaking the seat, that I'm dripping everywhere. It doesn't matter. I don't even notice. Why did I have to fall in love with her? Maybe... maybe if I didn't care so much I could go after her, I could force her to listen, but this love, this pain is paralysing me and I can't... I can't breathe. I didn't want to. I knew, I knew there was this thing hanging over us. I managed to stop Beck from revealing it, I managed to stop Tori, and stupid, _stupid_, fucking _me_ let it slip. Why don't I ever think? Why don't I ever think about who I'm hurting? If I'm not hurting Beck, I'm hurting Tori, and now I'm hurting Cat, and really, I couldn't much give a fuck about the other two at the moment. I didn't want to love her. I should've stopped myself. It was too soon, things were still too fragile. What do I do? What can I do? I need to be there, I'm all she has, but I've just... I've hurt her so much, and I'm hurting so much. And I'd go to Beck but I can't even trust him anymore. Cat... she's everything.

I've lost control. I can't control myself, my hands gripping tight onto the steering wheel, knuckles white, my forehead pressed against the wheel, sobs racking me. And I let it out, because I can't be strong. I can't push it back in like I usually do, and maybe I can later, but not now. I should be going after her, I should be reasoning with her. I should be comforting her and mending her and lying prostrate at her feet, begging for her forgiveness. It's not me. This isn't me. What's happened to me? What have I become? Maybe I was better off before. Numbing everything, because this? This hurts too much. It hurts too much to love her, and not for the first time, I wish I didn't. Because I've fucked everything up, and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know... fuck. I just... it hurts. It's squeezing me so tight, and I can't stop the sobs. I can't even cry any more, they're just dry noises that tear out my insides, and I feel so raw, and vulnerable and it isn't me. This isn't what Jade does, this isn't how Jade acts. Jade doesn't care, she doesn't give a fuck, she doesn't beg, and plead, and fucking break down like this. I want to be Jade again. I can't take this.

It can't be real. I'll wake up soon.

**A/N: You guys probably hate me right now, and, fair enough. I hate me too, a little bit, so... review, please.**


	31. The Escape Of Sleep

**Disclaimer: Victorious. Oh ho ho ho. No.**

I'm home. It barely even registers, and I don't even remember how I got here. My clothes are still soaked, jeans sticking to my legs, the denim almost black, my top hanging off me awkwardly, weighted by the water. I haven't changed... it hasn't occurred to me. Changing my clothes wouldn't get rid of this chill, it's soaked into me, into my bones, and it's numbed everything, and somehow... it feels like I'm underwater, like it rained so much the world filled up without me even noticing, and I've been breathing in this liquid, letting it fill my lungs and mute everything around me. And I lick my lips, hoping to get a taste of Cat, to remember, but all I get is the taste of rain. She's gone.

Cat's never been gone before. Ever. Even before... when we weren't together... she was still _there_. She was still someone I went to when I felt like being with someone besides Beck, she was still someone who was... who was the closest thing to a friend I had. She was still someone I could go to, someone I never deserved to have, someone who I was too selfish to appreciate. And there are so many regrets I have about that, about the past, and I wish I could go back and do things differently, but maybe things wouldn't have been any different. I have a tendency of fucking the most important things up. Even if I could just lie to her, or lie to myself, even if I could be a worse person, even if I could be the Jade I used to be, things would be better. I'm being myself, _finally_, and it's ruined everything. It's reminded me why I didn't want to be me, why I made that stronger, meaner Jade in the first place. Because that Jade couldn't get hurt so easily. For every prick, she stabbed, and she always came out on top. People couldn't get under her skin, but it's hanging off me so loosely now, and everything is getting underneath it. And Cat's burrowed her way to my heart, and eaten out the insides, until she's all that's left in there. No. No, she can't be everything to me. I'm more than what I am when I'm with her. I can... I can stop thinking about this. I can stop wallowing and start fixing this. I can... I have to. I have to fix this.

I lay back on my bed, turning on my side and curling up, staring blankly at my outstretched hands, fists loosely clenched. I flex them slowly, studying the nails, the skin, the muscles. They touched her, such a short time ago. They touched her face, her shoulders, they touched _her_, and I can't even remember what it felt like. I forgot to memorise it. My hands start to blur and tremble, my eyes feeling hot, and I squeeze them shut tight, my hands clenching again. I come off so together, or at least I like to think I do. I can't handle... anything really. I fall apart so easily, even before. There were days when I'd come home from school and just scream into my pillow, put everything into it and pour it out of me, so I could keep pretending I was strong. These tears are useless, they're so fucking useless. I'm wallowing in my fucking self-pity when Cat's out there. I'm the villain here, and it's a role I thought I was used to, but I keep pretending I'm the hero. And Cat? She's always the victim.

Cat loved... loves me, and I can't even imagine how much she's hurting right now. I was just starting to put the pieces of her heart back together, but then my hand slipped and they're more fragmented than ever. It's worse... what I've done to her is worse than what... what _he_ did. I made her believe that I loved her, I made her overcome her distrust, her fear, and accept it. I gave her hope. And then I stabbed her in the back, stole that hope away. Part of me is hoping I'm wrong, that Cat's more resilient than I thought, but I know that's not true. Every minute I've spent with her refutes that. Whatever little part of Cat was left, whatever part still clung to her heart, I've stripped away, and I'm scared. I'm terrified she might do something, that she'll...

Fuck. I can't... I can't be there, I can't...

I sit up, scrambling off my bed and reaching for my phone, the contents of my bag spilling onto the carpet. And it's so hard to dial with shaking fingers, but it finally works, and I press the phone to my ear, chewing a nail. She picks up. "Tori... Fuck, Tori..."

There's silence for a moment. "Jade? What is it? Are you... okay?"

I take a deep breath. I've gone to Tori before, but it doesn't make it any easier. It's hard to let your guard down, but... it's all I can do. "No, I'm not. Tori... I... I fucked things up, okay? I need you... just... go to Cat's house okay? Find her."

"Jade...?"

"_Find _her, and stay with her, okay? I can't... just do this, okay?If you love Cat, if she's your friend like you keep saying she is, you'll do this, okay?"

There's a long silence, and I can almost hear the gears turning in Tori's head, can almost hear her chewing her lip. "Jade... I'm not gonna defend you."

I hang my head, wet strands of hair brushing my face, sticking to my cheek. "I'm not asking you to. Just be with her, make sure she's safe."

"...Okay."

I sigh with relief. I might not like Tori too much, but she's reliable. She... she comes through, which is more than I can say about me. I hang up, letting the phone slip from my fingers, dropping to the carpet, screen going dark after a moment. At least... at least someone will be with Cat, even if my pride is pushing against my stomach from where I swallowed it.

I lay back on my bed, staring at the ceiling, noticing for the first time the tiny cracks that spiderweb through it. I've never really been alone before. I've always had Beck, and when I haven't, I've had Cat, and the one time that she was away, and I broke up with Beck, I leaned on Tori. I'm alone now. No one is on my side. Everything I've done is finally catching up with me, and there's no point in it, I've already learned my lesson, and it just makes everything so much worse. I cast away the old Jade, and she's the only one who could weather this, who could protect me from this. Maybe I should've kept her around longer. What made me think I could survive without her? What made me think I could live like Cat? Maybe I could've, if Cat had been there. She was my skin, the replacement for my armour, and now she's been stripped away, and my nerves are screaming, stinging, and everything hurts. I didn't want to need her, but I let myself, and I'm only just now realising how much of a bad idea that was. I knew something could happen, I just thought... I'd thought I'd be able to fix it, that I could stay calm and deal with it, and that... I thought that love would conquer all, but love is weak, fragile, held so close to yourself and so hard to give to someone else.

What if I can't fix this? What if it's broken forever, and I can't be with Cat again? What if... what if those were the last words I ever said to her? How can I... I can't. I can't even consider that, and usually I'm so pessimistic, but this is too important. That hope I stole from Cat... I need it to fuel me, to keep trying. To keep thinking that I can fix this, that not everything is lost. To keep thinking I can be the hero.

I know I have to fix this, but right now... I can't focus my thoughts. I just can't... can't feel anything, can't think, so I turn on my side again, sniffing. I wriggle around, squirming under my covers awkwardly, because there's no point in getting up, in trying to do anything. I just can't. Cat's... she's safe for the moment. Tori's there. Tori'll take care of her, because I can't. I want to, I want to so much, but... I've lost that right. My touch would only burn her. And my clothes are still sodden, soaking my sheets, my quilt, but I don't care. They'll dry.

I feel drained, like when Cat turned her back on me in the rain, she took me with her, and maybe she did. She became so much of me, and she did it the same way she always does, without even trying, without me even realising how much, until it's pulled away like a sheet from a magician's disappearing trick. I thought I could still see the outline of myself, but Cat ripped that sheet away, and there's nothing there. I'm gone. And just like the audience, I'm baffled, I don't know how it happened, how she did it. I don't know how to get it back.

My bed still smells like her, like me. Like us. I lie there and remember her, because she's still all that's on my mind. I remember that night, such a short time ago. I remember when Cat stood before me, skin bare and shivering, her eyes huge and dark. She was... scared, I know. I was too, and maybe that should've stopped us, maybe it was a sign. In that moment, I saw what that... what _he_ saw; the innocence, the fear, the trust. I just didn't think it'd end the same way. I thought it'd be different.

I shake myself mentally, my eyes shut tight. Maybe... I just... maybe if I sleep, things'll be better when I wake up, maybe there'll be something I can do, maybe I'll have some magical solution. It has to be better than this. This helplessness. I focus instead on that night, that first time with her. At least I have that. At least I have the memory of how her skin tasted, how her pulse throbbed, how her body shuddered, and trembled, and shook at my touch. How when I finally touched her, I felt that hot shiver in my heart, that wrenching in my gut. That realisation.

I slip into unconsciousness with the echo of Cat's soft moans, her whispered words circling me. The memory of when she loved me. That one, shining, perfect moment when I felt like a hero.

**A/N: As always, I beseech you to review. I'd think of something witty to get you to, but I don't know... I just ate a whole bunch of ham, and my sinuses are packed with meat now, and I'm not feeling too good. But come on... it's ham. What? Was I gonna let that kid eat it? I don't think so, I don't care how 'special' or 'needy' he was.**

**Goddammit he knew that was ham. He shouldn't have got in my way.**

**Anyway, review. :D**


	32. Sloughing And Shaking

**Disclaimer: If you've come this far still thinking I own Victorious, congratulations, I was just kidding this whole time. What a joker I am! **

When I wake up it's dark, the only light spilling into my room red-hued from the curtains. And I feel drained, and sick, and cold, and mostly, I just feel empty. I feel numb. But it's a hell of a lot better than what I was feeling before. I feel like the old me, and who knew my walls were so easy to reconstruct. I thought I'd destroyed them, but all I did was knock them over. They stayed intact, and all I had to do was pull them back up again. I hate it. But this Jade is strong, this Jade has a backbone. I'm an actress, I can pretend to be whatever I need to be, and right now, I need to be someone who can do something. I need to be someone who's okay, and I'm not, I'm really not, but I've shut that girl up. She was useless, and soft, and she was Cat's girl. Cat isn't here anymore. That girl has no place. What I need right now is to be strong. I can't wallow in my love and self pity. It's useless, it's stupid, and maybe I'm not that girl, that soft girl I became around Cat, maybe that isn't me, but this isn't me either. Maybe I'm somewhere in the middle, I don't know yet, I haven't figured it out, but at the moment, this is who I need to be. It's a character I've rehearsed to perfection. The mean girl. The girl who doesn't give a fuck about anything. The girl who doesn't feel anything.

I grab a towel, heading into the bathroom. I don't bother turning on the light. Enough spills through the frosted window so that I can see. Things are black and white and shades of grey in here. It's simple. I don't want that sterile, artificial light making everything so bright and fake. My clothes are still damp, sticking to me, my skin chilly and covered in goosebumps. And more than that, more than the cold, more than the clamminess of my skin, I feel dirty. I feel like there's this scum on me, that I need to wash off, that I need to scrub off my skin. But I don't think it's the kind of thing that comes off. It's permanent, just like a tattoo. It's all the things I've done, scrawled over my skin, and I wonder if people can see them when they look at me. I don't have Cat's hands to cover them up anymore. I strip off my sodden clothes, tossing them on the floor and stepping into the shower. I turn the water on as hot as I can stand, searing my skin with sharp needles, steam rising from the floor of the shower, drifting around me. I massage my fingers through my hair, the chill starting to fade until only that deeper cold is left, the one that's sunk into my bones.

And all I can think is; maybe this Jade is better. This Jade is logical, this Jade gets things done, and doesn't have to worry about anyone's feelings, not even her own. As terrible as my plan was to get Beck back, as many people as it hurt, the fact is, it worked. I got Beck back, I could _still_ have him back. The Jade I was, she was a bitch, but she was smart. She didn't let little things like morals or basic human compassion get in her way, and maybe that's who I need to be to get Cat back. There's no way I'm letting her go this easily. Not after all the effort I put in, not after all the time I spent on her, I'm not gonna let all that go to waste. I'm not going to let her heart stay broken. And this Jade, this hard, emotionless _thing_ is going to fix it. She's the one that caused all the problems with that stupid plan.

My hands, in their soaping, in their scrubbing, drift below my stomach, skating below my navel, and I pause, hands stilling. Cat. It's hard to think that... this morning, just this morning... it can't be, it must be longer, it can't be just this morning that I was happy, that she was happy. It can't be just this morning that we...

I put my hands on the insides of my thighs, spreading my legs and closing my eyes. And it's almost like I can still feel her there. My hands are where her hands were, where they feel burned into me, and I shiver despite the scorching water. How can things fall apart so quickly? How can they change so suddenly? Things are supposed to take time, you're supposed to have time to process. It's not supposed to be quick and sharp and painful. But then, my relationship with Cat was never conventional. Rules don't apply with her.

I wrench the shower taps off, my skin flushed red and soft. And that's what I've been recently. I've been soft, I've been weak. I've been a mass of quivering jelly, and I called it love. Love is meant to make you stronger, not weaker, and loving Cat made me weak. I did it wrong, and she meant too much, she still means too much. But I can feel my spine now, I can feel the steel in my bones.

I dry myself with the towel, the mirror fogging my reflection, making me a shapeless blur. I... I can't pretend I don't love her. I do, but... I let her mean too much. I relied too much on her. I leaned on her, and when she left I fell. I have to pick myself up, and... I have to get her back. Whatever lengths I take, whatever depths I stoop to, whatever it _takes, _I will get her back. And it's not because I love her, and it's not because she loves me. It's because I need her.

I shouldn't have let her in, I shouldn't have let her become such a part of me. It made me weak, and it made me stupid, and it made me soft and useless. But that fact is, I did. I let her become all those things, I let myself, and it was a mistake. I can't change how I feel... but I can put it away for now. I can push it down and try to focus. I _will_ get her back. She's mine. And I can't let my emotions paralyse me.

I walk back to my room, towel wrapped around me. I can hear my mom and dad chatting softly in another room, the sound of the TV in the background. They're probably having dinner. I'm not even sure what time it is. It doesn't really matter. I'm not hungry.

I shut my door, turning my light on. It's become too dark to see, otherwise I'd leave it off. I don't feel like... that brightness. It hurts my eyes, illuminates too much of me. I don't want to see myself. I don't want to see that hardness in my face, and more... I don't want to see the pain. I don't want to acknowledge it. I... I have to be strong. I have to keep it together so I can do something. I might've built that wall back up, but some chunks are still missing. I'm not impenetrable, especially when this is so close to my heart, especially when it's already made it inside my walls.

I rifle through my underwear drawer. Black is the easiest choice, it's what there's most of. I sit on my bed after they're on, pressing my knees together, hands clasped. I need a plan. I need something to work towards besides a vague notion of getting her back. I need- My eyebrow furrows, eyes catching a glimpse of something.

I lean over, pulling a shirt away from something on the carpet. I pick up the small object, rolling it around in my fingers. It's... it's Cat's lipgloss. It must've fallen out of her bag when... when she left. I screw off the lid, holding it up to my nose and inhaling. Pineapple. She wore it today. The smell of it makes me lick my lips, as if to taste her there, but she's not, she won't be, and I take it away, putting the lid back on, my shoulders starting to shake, eyes getting hot and blurry. I can't... it's just lipgloss. I have to push it down, I can't... this isn't helping. I put my hands to my face, as if to force the tears back in, to claw them off, to do anything but admit they're there. I am strong. I'm the Jade from before. I'm making that choice. I... I don't have to be that weak girl, I don't have to be... I don't, I can... I can push it away. I don't have to. I can make myself numb. I have to. I have to tape myself together, I can't fall apart, not now. It's my own fucking fault, this whole thing-

Stop. I'm being that girl again, that girl who takes responsibility for her actions, who feels bad when she hurts people. I can't be her. I'm not her. She's useless. She's the one crying, the one making me shake and sob. The one who's making me clench so tight onto Cat's lipgloss, knuckles white. It's not my fault. None of this is my fault. I was just being myself, and everyone else fucked up. It's not my fault, it's Beck's. It's been Beck this whole time, and I push that guilty part of me down that protests to that. He's the one that's caused all the problems. If he hadn't called, if he'd just gotten over me, things would be fine, things would be perfect. And a part of me knows it's not true, a part of me knows that it's no one's fault but my own, but I need to get angry, I need to blame someone, and Beck was the catalyst. And he's gonna help me fix this. He's gonna get over his problem, he's gonna stop being a baby and fucking help me get Cat back. And why? Because I'm fucking making him.

I'm not letting her go. I'll do whatever it takes to get her back. And if I hurt more people along the way, so be it. She's what's important.

**A/N: I figured it was time for Jade to grow a spine.**

**And I know, you guys want them back together, but parting is such sweet sorrow, don'tcha think?**

**So review, tell me what you think of vertebrae Jade, beg me for a happy ending, propose to me, it's all good, it's all meaningful... sort of.**

**Even criticise me. I mean, there's such a thing as being _too_ perfect. XD**

**Another A/N: I'm not that conceited, really. It's all just a show for the cameras. Although I don't know why they only put them in my bathroom and my shower. I said they were just going to get wet, and the guys just laughed and said "Oh yeah. WET."**

**...Anyway. If I was any more humble, I'd be a pie, and y'all could eat me. :P**


	33. The Nice Guy

**Disclaimer: Victorious, much like a Rottweiler, or the ghost of a Rottweiler, is not owned by me, yet won't leave me alone with it's ghost barking.**

I slam the door to my car, the sound like a gunshot, ricocheting through the night, crickets falling silent. I can hear Beck's TV filtering through the thin metal of his RV. I can just picture him in there, reclining on his bed, one hand on his stomach, the other propping his head up. It makes that storm in my gut, in my heart, in my head churn stronger, and I'm buzzing, humming with anger. I need to fill myself with something, and that something used to be love, but that doesn't work anymore, it just weighs me down, it's turned to lead in me, and I need it out. I need this anger fizzing through my veins.

I bang on his door with a closed fist, the metal rattling. I feel like I could punch straight through it. Anger makes me strong, it always has. It's always blocked everything out. It's the only useful thing I feel. "Beck. Open the fucking door." I bang on it harder, the thin, cold metal jumping under my hand. I cross my arms as I hear movement inside, fingers tight around my sides, pressing hard into the material of my shirt. It's old, and it's black, and my jeans are too tight and the wrong shade of blue, but I don't care. Whatever I pulled out of my closet I put on. I just needed to come, I just needed to act before this energy went away, before it faded and I could feel Cat again, digging into me like a broken rib, protuding through my skin and poking into my lung with every breath, reminding me that she's broken, that she's gone, that she snapped from where she belonged. Next to my heart.

I'm about to bang on the door again when it opens outwards, and I take a step back, stirring the smouldering anger in me until it bursts into flames. Beck runs a hand through his hair, looking at me curiously. "Jade? What are you doing here?" He dips his head, looking at his feet. "Look, I'm sorry about today, I just-"

"Let me in." I say flatly, moving forward and pushing him back, Beck unresisting. I'm tempted to sit, but I'm far too agitated for that. I need to move about.

Beck looks at me curiously, thick, dark eyebrows turned up, and how can he look so clueless, how can he be so calm? "Hey, what's wrong?"

I stop my pacing, foot instead jogging on Beck's brown carpet. I've got to channel this energy somehow, and I used to do it through sex. But that was mainly Tori's fault... she just gets under my skin somehow, she was responsible for most of my anger. I stare at Beck incredulously, scoffing. "Wrong? Is something _wrong_? No, no, nothing's wrong. Nothing's fucking wrong at all Beck. I'm fucking peachy. How 'bout you?"

Beck puts up his hands defensively. I always used to love his hands. They're so delicate, but so strong. An artist's hands. Now I just wanna break each finger slowly until they're just a mangled mess. "Talk to me. Is it about Cat?"

I smile tightly at him, and I can feel my eyebrows narrowed over my nose, feel them digging down so low, and I fight to relax it a little. Anger is all I have in me, and it's consuming. "You remember today? 'I don't love you. Even if I didn't care about Cat, it still wouldn't work.' You remember that?"

Beck's mouth twists, dark eyes flickering down. "Yeah. I'm sorry, Jade, I talked to Lane and-"

I put my hand up. "Shut up. This isn't about you. She heard me, Beck. Cat heard everything. She knows I used her, she knows I lied to her. And it's your fault." My tone is harsh, grating out of me and stinging like acid.

Beck's eyebrows jerk down, his nostrils flaring. "Whoa, I'm sorry about that, but it's not my fault Jade. I didn't make you say those things."

I take a step closer, that broken rib making my breath hitch. "You did. You made me say those things by not taking a hint. By being a fucking baby, Beck. Look, I'm sorry I used you and Cat, but you need to grow up. Get over it, and be a man."

Beck licks his lips, pink flesh pressed tight in a thin line, jaw muscles pulling tight in his tan cheeks. "I can't help the way I feel Jade. You think I want to still be in love with you? It kills me everytime I see you with her. I want to be happy for you. I'm trying."

"Then start trying harder. She's gone Beck, and it's your fault, and I am _done_ being nice to you, I am _done _holding your hand and being understanding. She's... she's gone." The anger cracks in my voice, that spur of bone digging in deeper, and she's starting to ache again. I can't sustain this anger, the embers are flickering, barely glowing, but I fan them determindedly. I... I need to stay angry, I need to stay strong. I need it to wrap around my chest tightly and keep her in place, so maybe I can pretend she's not broken, so she hurts a little less.

"Is that what you came here for? To blame me for everything?" Beck shrugs. "What do you want from me? I already said I was sorry." And his shoulders are still tight, the material of his plaid shirt bunched up over them, palms turned out towards me, and I try to make myself angry at that image, try to remind myself that it's his fault. But it doesn't work, and I'm starting to feel cold again. She's starting to throb in my side, a permanent stitch.

"I... I came here because... because I couldn't be alone, okay? Because I want you to help me." I look at him helplessly, that lead settling in me again. "I need her."

Beck's face softens, his shoulders relaxing as he sighs. He puts a hand to his forehead, pinching the bridge of his nose, moving to his bed and sitting, the dull red comforter rumpled. He hangs his head. "Okay. Tell me what happened." I can tell he's still angry, still upset, but he's Beck. He's too good to hold onto it, he's too nice. He's always been the counter for me, always been the one to apologise for me. Always been the one I turned to. I can't help but feel he's getting sick of it, but he's the only one that puts up with me, he's the only one I can turn to. He's the only person I have left, and I've almost lost him too.

I sit beside him, fingers clenching the comforter. "She... she overheard me." I keep my eyes fixed on the shaggy brown carpet of his floor, trying to focus on it, trying not to remember how I saw Cat's heart break in front of me, how I saw that light in her flicker out and die. "She just left, and... and when I found her..." I bite my lip, hard, trying to block the image out, but it's forcing it's way in and making my eyes feel hot. "I fucked up, Beck. She thinks everything is a lie. Everything... everything I've said to her."

I look over to Beck finally, wanting him to answer, to smile, to break the tension like he always does, to hold me, and tell me to just relax, because it's not the end of the world. But there's that space between us now, that space that's filled by Cat. His eyes are flickering over me, dark, serious, weighted down by his eyebrows. "Was it ever like this for us?" He says softly. "Did you ever fall apart like this for me?"

I close my eyes for a moment, fingers curling in the rough material of the comforter. "You know I did."

Beck takes a deep breath, running a hand through his glossy, dark hair, a lock spilling free to hang over his face. "What do you want me to do Jade?" He looks at me questioningly. "What can I do? I can't get her back for you."

I lick my lips, hoping for the taste of pineapple, and it's so fucking stupid, how I just expect her to be there, how I expect there to be some trace of her on me, some stain on my skin that she's left behind. But there's nothing. I'm clean of her. "Do you remember in the janitor's closet the other day? You... you said you'd be there when I needed you. I need you Beck. I need you to be the guy I fell in love with. I need you to be there for me. You're the only one on my side."

Beck's quiet for a while, fingers clenching and unclenching on his knees. "This isn't fair, you know."

I nod, eyes averted back to the carpet. "I know."

"Just making sure you're aware of that."

I look back up at him, eyebrows dipping down. "I am."

He leans back on his bed, hands linked behind his head as he rests against the wall, nudging me with a knee. "I'll help."

I press my lips together in a tight line, a flicker of hope sparking in me. "Are you sure?"

He shrugs, grinning, teeth white in the soft light of his trailer. "Can't think of any reason not to."

I raise a studded eyebrow at him. This is the Beck I know. The nice guy, the one who'd help his friends out, no matter what... the one who always forgives me. The one who can't let me go. The one I fell in love with. "I can think of a few." I say with a fading smirk. I bite my lip, hands folded in my lap, tight denim scratching, and they're resting on my thighs, so close to where Cat's hands were, so close to where I can still feel them. I shift uncomfortably. "Thanks Beck."

He flutters his eyelashes at me, smiling that boyish smile, and that tension breaks, just like it always does when I'm with him. Only a month ago, I would've leaned over and kissed him, the tightness in my shoulders fading, hands stroking down his chest, and he'd hold me, and say all the things I fell in love with him for. Only a month ago, I still loved him, and I wish I could go back to that, to when things were so easy and simple, when I could fall asleep in his arms, when I was safe. I wasn't happy, but I was content. Things were stable, there weren't highs and lows, there was just the middle, there was just grey, and it's a comfortable shade to be in. It's so hard to fight, to keep fighting, and that's what I'm having to do with Cat... _for _Cat. I have to keep fighting, and it's not going to be easy. Cat doesn't heal so quickly... I know that already. Everything stays with her, everything accumulates, everything burrows down deep into her and festers, way below the surface. There's a chance all of this is for nothing, all the effort I've made, all the things I've done, all the things I will do... there's a chance it might not work. There's a chance that the first thing I'm really fighting for... the first battle I'm waging... there's a chance, a _good _chance I might lose it. That at the end of the day, when I'm bloodied and exhausted, when I've torn out my very heart to present to her, when I've lost everything trying to beat Cat's ghosts, Cat's fears, my own stupidity, that I'll lose, that I'll sink to my knees and surrender.

I look at Beck and I see safety, I see security. I see neutrality. He couldn't make me happy, but he couldn't make me sad. He's the safe choice, he's _always_ been the safe choice. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of just giving up, of making the safe decisions. I have a chance at happiness here, and if I lose, so be it, at least I'll have tried. The old Jade wouldn't have done that. She's still with me, she's driving me on and pulling me back at the same time, but there's something better in me now, and it's unformed and flickering, but it's there. And it's going to fight.

I glance over at Beck. And it's not going to fight alone.

**A/N: I really don't even know what to say in these anymore. Although... to be fair, I never knew what I was saying anyway. I don't know... I think it was some convoluted form of asking for reviews... or someone's hand in marriage... I'm not sure, all I know is people are reviewing and I have four wives. And ladies, if you _are_ going to mail yourselves to me, please remember to put air holes in your boxes. I've had four weddings and a funeral. I see what I did there.**

**Anyway, so yeah, please review, or... or ship yourselves to me. I will not pay for postage, but I'll do the handling ;D**

**Oh baby.**


	34. Memories

**Disclaimer: I wonder who invented Frisbees? Why did they call it a Frisbee? Was it someone called Frisbee? Well, whoever it was, they, like me, do not own Victorious.**

I motion to Beck, and he rolls his eyes, putting his phone up to his ear. "Hey, it's me."

I scoot closer to Beck, trying to hear. It's a subconscious thing, I know I won't be able to hear, but I want to, I need to. Even though he just broke up with Tori, Beck's still closer to her than I am, he'll still be able to get more out of her than I can. Some people don't appreciate bluntness.

"Is she with Cat?" I whisper, Beck waving a hand at me.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just at home. How are you?"

This is _not _the time for small talk. Why do people even bother with it? It takes so long to get to anything important, anything real. I know what the weather is like, thanks, and I don't really care about how you are. I've never done it, there's no point in it, and I stare at Beck until he gets it.

"Are you with Cat?" He listens intently, nodding, and I feel like telling him that Tori can't see him. He catches it in my annoyed glance and stops. "So you _are _with Cat." Beck says, looking at me. "How is she?" His dark, thick eyebrows furrow, lines appearing in his forehead, eyes flicking away from me. "Oh." He purses his pale pink lips, compressing them to a thin line, an intent expression on his face. "She... she is?"

I chew my lip nervously, and my hands feel so useless, touching the dull red comforter, touching on my knee, each other. It's like the butterflies have escaped my stomach and moved to my hands.

Beck's eyes flick back to me, and they're dark, and serious. "Look, Jade's here, and- you didn't ask, that's why. Is.. is that Cat?"

It's so frustrating, hearing just one side of the conversation, knowing that... that Tori's with Cat, doing what I should be... what I've lost the right to do. And maybe that's why my hands are so nervous; they know where they should be, what they should be doing, and they're frustrated that they can't. They want to be holding Cat, that's their job, and they've just been fired. I fold them in my lap, keeping them still.

"You're gonna spend the night with her? Good. She's... she said that? No, I don't know what she's talking about." Beck's eyes widen, his eyebrows shooting up. That's not a good sign, not at all, and I still my twitching hands, clenching them around each other. "Okay... I'll catch you later." He takes the phone away from his ear, staring at it with a sigh.

I try to quell my impatience, but my hands burst free, clenching the comforter. "What'd she say? Is Cat okay?"

Beck's fingers curl around his phone, and he looks up at me, a cautious curiosity in his eyes. "No, she's not. She's just... Tori said she's just lying there. Tori's... she's pretty angry at you, Jade."

I roll my eyes. "Whatever, I can take Vega. What... what did Cat say?"

Beck licks his lips, jaw working, and his eyes have an edge to them, the irises almost black in this light, pupils invisible against them. "She said it was happening again."

A muscle in my cheek twitches, and I lean back. At least... at least nothing's happened to her. At least Tori is with her. It should be me, I should be there. "It _is_ happening again." I murmur softly, fingers toying with a hole in my worn, black shirt, picking apart the threads. And my jeans are too tight, the waistband slicing into my belly and making my breath short, and I sit so it presses harder, so it hurts more. I shouldn't be able to breathe properly. I should be suffering. I should have a reminder that's Cat's gone, and I wince, the button digging into me.

Beck's eyebrows meet over the bridge of his nose, as he notices my wince, his face tightening, tan skin oddly pale in the light of his RV. "Jade... what's happening again? What's going on?" His hand grabs my wrist from where I've touched it to my stomach, my body wanting to ease my discomfort, even if my mind doesn't.

I smile sadly, shaking my head. "None of you know Cat. None of you. You have no idea what she's been through."

"Then tell me." Beck says softly, his eyes burning into me.

"I can't. Do you know how fucked up it was that I was the one to find out? I didn't even like her, Beck. I wasn't one of her 'friends'. How can you not see it? How can Tori not see it?" My voice grows in volume, outraged, and I shrug his grip off me.

"How can we not see what?"

I stare at him in disbelief. "How broken she is."

Beck pulls his feet up onto the bed, pushing the sleeves of his red plaid shirt up and resting his hands on his knees. "She's an actor, Jade... we all are. You learn how to put on a face. Cat... Cat just did it better, I guess."

I stand, pacing across Beck's brown, shaggy carpet, little bits of grit against my toes. "I don't know what to do here Beck. I don't know how to get her back."

Beck raises an eyebrow. "And considering how well your last plan went..."

"Beck, this is serious. She can't be without me, and I... I..."

Beck scoots forward, pushing himself off the bed and drawing me into a hug. And it feels so safe, being in his arms. It's always calmed me, always soothed me, and he smells like clean cotton and his aftershave, and just _him_. "Hey, it's okay. We'll think of something." He pulls back a little, a smile on his lips, but it doesn't reach his eyes. I can see the sadness there. "Who wouldn't want you?"

I press my face into his chest, into the wrinkled red plaid, inhaling deeply, and things feel still for a moment. It's a smell that's so familiar, it's a smell that's so comforting. It's him, he's an anchor, and he's holding me calm in this storm, he's stopping me from pacing and thinking and doing something stupid. But he's also stopping me from going after Cat, and I don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.

I push him away, stepping back. "Thanks for... for being here, Beck. I should go. Go home and get some sleep or something." I shrug wearily.

Beck licks his lips, looking at me curiously. "Why don't you stay?" He senses my hesitance, moving closer, his hands warm and gentle on my shoulders. "We'll watch a movie. And we might think of something."

"Beck..." As much as I love this feeling, as much as I love this security, the fact is; I don't love Beck anymore.

He smiles softly, that crooked, sincere smile where one side of his mouth tugs a little higher than the other, and I feel my resolve waver. "For old time's sake." He takes his hands off me, holding them up and backing away, boyish smile still on his face. "Nothing weird."

I can't be alone, I've never been able to be alone, and what he's offering... I'm weak. I don't love him, but things with him are easy, they're simple, and drama free, and things with Cat, as much as I love her, aren't. They're hard, and right now... they're non-existent. I don't want Beck, he isn't what my heart wants, but it's what it's used to. And while Beck's too much of a gentleman to try anything, I'm a little scared of me. That Jade is still in me, the one who took the path of least resistance, and it knows Beck wouldn't resist at all. This... it needs to be platonic, and I'm terrified there'll be a moment when I'll look over at him and forget about Cat, when I'll take the easy way out.

I just want someone to comfort me, to stroke my hair and tell me things'll be okay, and I'm too old for my parents to do that anymore. I need someone to say those words so I can believe them, even if in my heart, I know they're lying. I don't want to forget about Cat, I don't want to give in, but I can't spend the rest of night alone, pacing, sitting, tearing my hair out, finding some way to punish myself unless I've debased myself so much that I'm sure she'd never want me back. And if she was here I could do this, if I had some reminder of her that was always in front of me, that my brain could never forget, then I could resist. An idea sparks in my brain, and I nod to Beck. "Okay."

I cross to where he keeps his movies, pulling the drawer out and scanning the titles. And I'm scared for a moment that it might not be here, that I might have to go home and spend the night staring at myself in the mirror until the monster I see goes away. And then I find it, and I can't help but think it's a sign.

I pull out the old VHS tape, Beck watching curiously as I move to his TV, kneeling down in front of it and shoving the tape in his VHS player, machine humming. I never knew why he still kept it, but I'm so glad he did. This will keep my mind on Cat, where it should be, this will remind me why I should be fighting for her, why I shouldn't just sink back into Beck's arms. It'll make me remember how much I love her, and it'll send all those memories flooding back, because they've already become so distant, I've already numbed so much of myself. I've already forgotten.

The screen flickers, the movie starting, and I crawl onto Beck's bed, lying on my stomach, hands propping my chin up as I watch the screen, Beck joining me and leaning back against the wall, his feet near my hands. And watching this with him is a mix of what's safe and familiar, and what makes my heart beat fast and my hands sweat, and the memories are mixing together, merging, but it's Cat who's in my mind. It's her face I see in my head, and I try to remember her smiling, the little mental snapshots I took of her, the times when I told my brain to _remember this_, and I feel the same way I did then, and it's incomparable to anything else. It's the reason why I can't just let her go. Why I have to ignore what I want, for what I _need_. And I need her. I'm not me without her.

"So what'd you pick?" Beck's voice rumbles behind me, slow and calm, and I can feel his hand on the back of my knee, just resting, and it's comfortable. It anchors me.

"_Beauty And The Beast_."

**A/N: I know, another chapter of inaction. But it's like baking a cake. First, you have to mix together all the ingredients, and then, you have to put it in the oven, and then, while it's baking, you drink a bottle of wine and pass out, and then you wake up surrounded by fire fighters, and then you go buy a cake.**

**My point here, assuming I had one, is that all good things take time. And alcohol.**

**And cake.**

**So please review, and I'll get out my whiskey and a clock, and make drunken time pass.**

**Write more, is what I'm saying.**


	35. Dreams And Reality

**Disclaimer: Victorious, and most particularly the actors, are not owned by me, because slavery is illegal. At least until I can kidnap them to Mars.**

Cat's lips taste like strawberries, soft and sweet, and I run my tongue over them, dip it into her mouth, lap at her like she's cold ice cream on a hot day, but it's the wrong way around. I'm cold and she's warm, so warm, burning my palms where they're pressed to her skin, slid under her shirt. I'm kissing her like she's the only thing that's keeping me alive, like she's oxygen and I've been holding my breath for too long, and I'm gulping her in, and she's diffusing in my veins, in every cell.

I'm kissing her harder and harder, a moan rolling out of my mouth, muffled by our crushed lips, my hand tightening roughly on Cat's waist, on her breast, nails digging into the soft, hot flesh, marring the tanned skin with little furrows. And Cat's pushing me away, gasping for air. I'm not oxygen for her, she doesn't need me to breathe. I'm stopping her from breathing, from living, and it's not fair. She should need me; I need her. "What's wrong? What's the matter?" My voice is rough, ragged, impatient. The taste of strawberries is fading.

Cat's chocolate eyes are wide, scared, her lips flushed and trembling. "You're hurting me."

I look down at my hands, confused, and they're flexed into her flesh, knuckles strained white, clawing into her like I'm digging for something, like I want to see her bones. I'm not letting her go. "I can't let go."

"Jade, you're a monster."

My eyes narrow, Cat's voice soft, so quiet I didn't even see her lips move, didn't even hear the words cut through the air. Just there, in my head, buzzing around, crawling into my honeycomb of a brain. "_I can't let you go_. _I love you._" I'm trying to make her understand. I can't. I can't do it, and my voice is deep, more of a growl, teeth grinding together, fingers digging in tighter, flesh yielding under my sharp nails. I kiss her again, Cat squirming against me, gasping, writhing, my teeth pinning her lower lip, stopping her short, the taste of strawberries flooding my mouth in a hot spurt, Cat's sob ringing in my ears.

"_Why are you lying? Why did you have to lie?"_

I wake up with a grunt, fingers twisting in Beck's sheets, nails hurting from where they're dug in. I'm almost rolled off his bed, face pressed into a navy blue pillow, hair in twisted strands over my face. I sniff, pressing a lock to my nose. Strawberries. Of course. I sit up groggily, muscles aching from the uncomfortable position I curled myself into while I slept. It was just a dream. Of course it was. Cat's gone.

"Hey sleepyhead." I look up, automatically glaring. It's too bright, even in here. Beck grins easily at me, light touching the planes of his face, his cheek, turning his skin pale wherever it strokes. It makes him look so clean cut, so pure. It makes him look cold. It used to make Cat glow, like the light was shining from inside her, like she was the morning, and the sun outside was just imitating her out of spite, out of jealousy. She blinded me, she blinded me for so long it took me forever just to see her, but once I did, I couldn't look away.

Watching _Beauty and the Beast_ last night... my eyes were glued to the television, to the flickering, animated images, but it wasn't the movie I was seeing. I was seeing all the time I spent with Cat, all the times I kissed her, all the times I held her, all the times my heart twisted when tears rolled down her face, carving salty paths and dripping off her chin, and I wanted to catch them, to give them back to her and say "_Stop, please stop, I'm here._".

I didn't make it to the end. I never saw Belle return to Beast, I never saw the happy ending.

"How'd you sleep?" He sits beside me gracefully, his lanky form folding up, knee touching mine. I glance down at it, pulling away a little, hand rubbing my eyes.

"Not well." I rub my fingertips together, fingers smudged with black from my eyeliner, ridges of my fingerprints coloured in, like I'm some criminal waiting to get booked. I glance back up at Beck. "Bad dreams."

He puts a hand to my face, strong delicate fingers brushing my cheek, thumb swiping under my eye. "If you wanna clean up, you can go in the house. My parents won't mind."

I stand, shaking my head. This... it was a bad idea to stay here. It's too comfortable, too easy to fall back into what I was with Beck. "I'm gonna head home."

Beck runs a hand through his glossy black hair, eyebrows hovering over his dark eyes. "Are you going to school today?"

I match his move, fingers tugging through the knots in my long hair, a sigh escaping me. "Yeah... I... I am." There's a chance, a slight, slight chance, Cat might be there, and if she is, I can get her alone. I don't care if I have to drag her off into a locked room, I'm going to talk to her. I'm going to fix this, even if I have to break her more to do it. Even if I have to reopen the wound I've caused, that she's trying to lick clean and heal. I need to keep my wound open.

Beck stands, muscles greased like oil, the motion smooth, arms sliding around me, pulling me to him, my face pressed against his chest, the peppery smell of his cologne tickling my nose, and... it's nice. And it's too tempting to stay here, to stay with Beck and not have to be alone. To have someone on my side, to have someone to lean on. But I don't want my lean to turn into a grasp, to pull him down with me, to give into despair, and to settle for safety, not love. I don't want that anymore. "Hey, everything's gonna be okay."

His voice rumbles into my ear, soft and comforting, the sharpness of his jaw pressed against my hair, and I untwist my fingers from the material of his black shirt, step back from his warm embrace, skin cooling, the smell of cotton and cologne, the smell of Beck exhaling from my lungs. "I've gotta go." I say it as a statement, wanting him to understand. I don't want to go, and that's the problem. I need to, simply because I want to stay. I want to live in nostalgia, skip school with him, go get coffee and talk about safe things, about bands, about movies. I want him to hold me and make me feel like I'm better. Like I'm special, like I'm perfect. But I'm not, and I don't wanna feel that way.

He nods, straightening. "I'll see you at school." His dark eyes scan over me, so much darker than Cat's, so much harder to read. He rubs his chin, and I know it's because his skin itches after he shaves, and he does it without even realising. And it causes a pang in me. There's so much I know about Beck, so much time I put into knowing him, into knowing everything about him, because I loved him, and I didn't think that would change. I didn't want to let it change. I know him so well, but what he did, how he acted... I didn't know that guy. That wasn't Beck, that was something I created. That's how much damage lies can do. I thought I was protecting everyone, protecting myself, but it only protects for as long as it stays buried. When it surfaces, it causes so much more damage. It was nothing but a time bomb I refused to defuse. I always put it off, s_omeday, later, when we're stronger, when things change, just not now, not __**now**_.

I slip out of Beck's trailer, chilly air hitting me, light cold and bright, the sound of birds chirping, trilling through the silence. I wonder if they sing for the same reason I do; to escape, to - just for a moment - soar. But then they don't need to escape, they don't need to soar through song. They have wings, and I have so many ties binding me to the ground.

I know I must look terrible, with my raccoon eyes, tousled hair, faded shirt and too tight jeans that feel like they've sliced a permanent line into my waist... anyone who saw me would think that Beck and I...

Fuck. I'm only just realising how much of a bad idea this was. What's Cat gonna think, what's Tori gonna think if they find out I spent the night at Beck's? Neither one of them is gonna believe me, that all I did was watch a movie with him, as friends... why would they? It was my plan all along, wasn't it? To get Beck back? I broke both their hearts, there's no one I haven't damaged with this fucking plot. I keep trying to fix things, to be better, and it's just making everything worse. Who I was is finally catching up to me, and maybe I deserve it. Maybe things shouldn't be easy for me, maybe I should have to fight for this, fight for happiness. I haven't earned it, I lied and cheated my way into it. But maybe I can still make things right, maybe I can win this, can deserve my happiness. I have to at least try.

I climb into my car, dew beading over the metal skin, windows fogged around the edges. The leather seat is cold, chilling my skin through the worn material of my shirt, and I shiver. I just... I feel cold all the time. I bitter smile tugs at the corner of my lips. Of course, Cat was the sun, and now she's set. She's nowhere to be found, and it's dark, and cold caresses me like clammy hands, begging me to stay, to give in, to stay in the night, in the embrace of darkness. But I remember how it felt when she shone, when she was my sun. I remember how she warmed my skin, how her hands and her lips lit fires in me. They're the stars in this night sky; these memories. But they're so distant, so far away, and there aren't nearly enough to light my way. They're a pale imitation of her.

The engine turns over as I twist the key, catching with a soft rumble, loud in the quiet of the morning, birds cutting off abruptly, startled into silence. It's so easy to ruin something, to affect something. It's too easy.

I throw the car into reverse, engine growling quietly as I accelerate onto the empty roads, and I switch the radio on to drown it out, to put some music back into these sharp, harsh sounds that vibrate through my car, the sound of burning, of churning. It's a soft song, a slow one, the picking of guitar strings backed with piano, a man's voice weaving through the melody. I don't know it, it's not my kind of song, but it's easy to relax into, to listen without hearing the words. And that's a good thing this morning, since nearly every song is about love; losing it, finding it, casting it away and trying to get it back. And this doesn't sound like a happy song.

I glance in the rearview mirror, catching sight of my eyes, rimmed with smeared black. It's like the night inside me is seeping out, that I've become so full it's bleeding, staining my skin. I need Cat to rise again, I need her to warm me, to fill me, to make me clean. I can't stay in this darkness, not when I know how good it feels to stand in the sun. Not when I know what real happiness feels like.

**A/N: Please to review. **

**A lot more was supposed to happen in this chapter, but then I drank some juice and time slowed down there for a bit. It was in a juicebox :3**

**The juice, not time, that is.**

**So... it got all fancy and pretty and if this chapter had a pinky, it'd be shrouded in lace and waving delicately. But I do hope you enjoyed it anyway ^_^**


	36. Prove It

**Disclaimer: Victorious isn't mine. I did make a show about cats called Victoripuss though. That's mine. **

It feels like when I walk into school, the whole place goes quiet. It could just be that all the noises outside; the traffic, the kids milling to get in, the parents chatting in the parking lot, were buzzing in the back of my head, and it's just their absence I'm hearing, muted by the thick walls of the halls. Or it could be that I entered in a less than composed manner, and most kids know by now to stay out of my way. Either way, it still feels like everyone's eyes are on me as I trudge to my locker, fingers twisting over the black strap of my bag, picking at the clasp, tugging at the threads. I don't care about their stares, I don't care how they look at me, but it makes me so aware that Cat's not here... that Beck's not here. I've always had someone beside me, someone to buffer the stares, to challenge them and say, _this person likes me, so fuck you_. I feel like an outcast now, fittingly. My clothes still feel as ill-fitting as before, even though I dragged myself into the shower when I got home and picked out something nice to wear, something... plain. Just jeans and a black hoodie. I had to get the reek of Beck's RV off me. The smell of Cat was still in my sheets, her lipgloss still on my bedside table. I shoved it into my jeans pocket before I left. At least it's a reminder.

I hover my hand over it when I reach my locker, feeling the hard cylinder in my pocket. I'm not prepared to face Cat, I don't know what to say, what to do, how to explain. I'm hoping that it'll come to me when I do see her. If she's even here. I let out a heavy sigh and twist the combination to my locker, door clicking open, warped reflections of me sliced by my scissors as I yank the metal door open. My back's crawling, like a dozen hands are sweeping over it, raising goosebumps. It's like a hundred other days, and I half expect Cat to just come bouncing up, bag swinging and dimples pitted in her cheeks from a grin. These halls are saturated with her, and they don't seem so bright anymore, like all the life that used to be here at Hollywood Arts is less vibrant, less noticeable. This comedy has become a tragedy, the acts an irritation. I just want the curtain to close on this already. It's been playing far too long.

I thumb through the pile of books in there, finding the ones I need. A picture of me and Beck catches my eye, stuck up on the inside of my door. We look happy. I'm holding onto Beck's arm, a half-smile on my face. Beck's eyes are closed, his head thrown back like he's laughing about something, an arm draped over me. I tear it down, shoving it inside the locker. That's not who we are anymore. We don't belong to each other.

I slam the locker door shut, metal scissors rattling against the grey-painted steel. I turn away, scanning the crowd, hoping to see a flash of vibrant red hair, bobbing among the students. My heart leaps a little when I see Tori, fingers tightening on the textbooks wedged under an arm. If Cat was with anyone, it'd be her. Tori glances around, bag slung over her shoulder, her eyes skittering away from mine and then snapping back. They're cold, dismissive, and I've never seen Tori without that warmth in her eyes, without that honey. I've never seen her angry before, not like this. She's fiery, but she flames out. This is a simmer, one that's been boiling for a long time. For a second she stops, sways like she's unsure whether to ignore me and keep walking, or come over. As usual, Tori's mouth gets the best of her. I touch my pocket reassuringly; I can deal with Tori for this, she's my only link with Cat right now, the only one who's seen her since... since I broke her heart, scattered the pieces over the rain-spattered pavement and watched her walk away. I think about that moment, when I watched her go. Maybe if I'd gone after her, grabbed her arm, twisted her around and just told her, just kissed her, just _showed_ her what my words failed to, maybe that would've made a difference. Maybe if I'd never kissed her at all, things would be better. Everyone would be happier.

"Why are you here?" Tori's eyes are guarded, voice low and terse, fingers plucking at the hem of her grey shirt, black vest hanging from her slightly slumped shoulders. She's holding them together, trying to gather this rage to spit out at me. It almost feels good to taste her venom.

"Because I go to school here."

Her nose wrinkles. "How can you show your face?"

I gesture to it. "It shows itself, Vega, it's not a conscious decision."

She stares at me disbelievingly, like she can't believe how cavalier I'm being. I can't either, but frankly, I just don't care. Tori can't get under my skin; it was stripped away from me when Cat left, and all those exposed nerves are dead, have stopped twitching, stopped feeling. She can lash me all she wants and I won't feel a thing. "I don't believe you." She shakes her head at me, like she can't understand.

"You've never believed me. Why is it any different?"

She scoffs, shrugging. "It's different because I knew you were a gank, but I didn't think you were evil. I thought you had some good in you." She looks at me, that cold rage in her eyes sparking, catching alight. "Are you even human? How can you just hurt people like that? How could you hurt Cat like that? Even if you never loved her, you were still her friend. How can you just show up to school and not even care?"

And I'm waiting. I'm waiting for her words to sink in, to slice through me and make me defend myself. To make me feel anything besides this aching numbness, this slippery coldness that fills me. But it doesn't come, my heart doesn't speak, doesn't protest, and it's left to my brain to force out a lackluster answer, words low, dull. "You think I don't care?" I give my head a little shake, a lock of hair slipping free. "You really think I don't care?" I almost have to fight laughter, lips trembling. "Why do you think I called you?"

Tori's eyes flick to the ground, a converse-clad foot scuffing the linoleum.

"Tori, I don't give a fuck what you think about me, but don't ever question whether I care or not. You don't know what happened."

She raises a sculpted eyebrow at that, sweeping her brunette curls back. "I know what happened. You used Cat to get Beck back, and when that didn't work, you thought you'd play with Cat, but then she found out. She loved you."

And finally I feel something. _Loved_. Past tense. That makes my heart skip painfully, stuttering in my chest, and I put a hand to it, almost absentmindedly. "It worked. I can have Beck if I want." I study Tori's face, confusion spread across it. "My plan worked. I told you already, remember?"

Her brow wrinkles in disgust. "You're lying. You're fucking lying. You were lying then and you're lying now. I'm sick of it Jade, I'm sick of every single word you say-"

"Is she okay?"

Tori's face relaxes, caught off guard by my interruption. "She- no. She's not okay." Her hands tug at her vest agitatedly, yanking the black material and making it jump. "You broke her heart." Her eyes dart back to mine, dark and seething. All I've seen this week are these hurt brown eyes, in Cat, in Beck, and now in Tori. Why do they all have to have the same eyes? Why do they all have to have the same hurt?

"Where is she?"

Tori's eyes narrow, long lashes matting slightly at the edges. "She doesn't want to see you. She won't let you in."

I let out a harsh sigh. "Stop speaking for her, Tori. She needs me."

Tori lets out a low, bitter laugh. "She needs you? Look what you've done to her! You know what she gave to me, just before I left? What she slid under the crack of her door to me?" She digs around in her bag, pulling out a rumpled sheet of paper, water-stained... tear-stained. She hands it to me, almost shoving it in my face, and I pluck it from her fingers tentatively. It's pink paper... Cat's paper. And I'm filled with an urge to bring it to my nose, to see if I can smell her room, smell where she's touched it, where her fingers stroked over it, where her hand rested to write. But Tori's watching me, arms crossed, and I unfold it clumsily, trying not to touch the smeared stains. I've already had too many of Cat's tears on my hands, on my skin.

_Don't let Jade in._

The letters are shaky, scrawled and traced over, again and again, black streaks marring some of the letters, and it's like a slap. It makes my eyes sting, and this lump rise in my throat, and no matter how hard I swallow, it won't go down. I can't force my heart back into my chest. I blink quickly, folding the note up again. I half wish I'd get a paper cut, just so I could leave my own stains on the paper, so I could leave my own hurt there. Just so I could have a physical sign for what it did to me. "She... she wrote this?" The words crawl out of me, dragging themselves over the lump, hoarse and ragged.

Tori's eyebrows tug down, her arms uncrossing, and her voice is a touch softer when she says, "Yeah. She did." I nod sharply, shoving the note in my pocket, knuckles brushing the cylinder of lipgloss. Tori reaches a hand out tentatively. "Look, Jade, I-"

"I don't like you Tori." Tori's hand drops, falling back limply to her side. "And you don't like me."

She tilts her head. "I did like you. You were mean, but at least you were honest. I don't even know who you are now."

I don't know how to tell her I don't either. "I've got to see her, Tori."

I can almost see Tori's shield go back up, that momentary weakness dissipating. "Why? Haven't you hurt her enough?"

I lower my eyes to my fingertips, hands tented, fingers pushing against each other. "I need to fix this." I say softly, still watching the intricate play of my fingers, like they're a separate part of me, like they're signing a language I should know. I'm pretty sure all they're spelling is 'Cat'. "I love her."

Tori's lower lip wedges in her teeth, doubt flickering in her eyes, a strike of that familiar warmth surfacing. Tori can't help herself; she's compassionate, she just wants to help everyone, even when they don't deserve it. But there's still an edge to her, a hardness to her jaw, her brow hanging heavily over her eyes. "Do you?" The bell chimes, kids slamming their lockers and hurrying off to class until we're left there, alone. Tori doesn't make a move, studying me. "I almost believed you before." Her mouth quirks at the edges, like it's some joke she's telling.

"I need to see her."

"Stop lying."

"_I'm not lying_."

Tori shakes her head, scoffing. "No. Stop it. It's easy to say you care, that you love her. It doesn't mean anything. Everything you say is a lie."

A muscle under my eye twitches. And there, _there_ is the bile I've been waiting for, the spike of anger old Jade used to have. The one that wants to tear Tori to pieces for doubting her. I'm Jade fucking West, and I'm fucking baring my soul to Tori. I'm talking to her like she's worth something, like she's worth my time. "_Tori-_"

"Prove it." Tori raises an eyebrow, sweeping her tangled curls back. She can see my twitching hands, see my arched eyebrows dipped down, meeting over the bridge of my nose. She can see the old Jade, and for some reason she seems to prefer it. "You say you care, you say you're different – prove it. Show me the real Jade. Stop lying and do something real. Make me believe you, because right now, all I see is this... _thing_, this _monster_ that broke my best friend's heart. Give me something real."

I hate this. I hate that she's making me jump through fucking hoops for her own kicks. She wants to see me weak, to see me bleeding and broken, just to make herself feel big. To feel like she brought down the mighty Jade West, and I can feel that acid rising in throat, corroding that lump into nothing, and it feels almost good to be angry again. To be filled with fire instead of ice. To be filled with _something_. I want to spit out these words, to carve her down to what she really is; just someone who secretly thinks she's better than everyone else.

I bite back my words, straightening until my spine hurts, shoulderblades pulled back until they almost touch. "What do I have to do?"

**A/N: I know you guys were expecting Cat, but I hope you weren't disappointed anyway. I do hope I'm doing a good job for you guys, and that you're still enjoying it. ^_^**

**As always, review and let me know, or else I'll throw a big, ugly tantrum. I mean it, like... full on, legs kicking, writhing everywhere, tearing clothes off and punching things. I might even throw up a little, just to make a point. And you don't want that, do you?**

**Of course you don't. You readers are nice people. :)**


	37. Waiting

**Disclaimer: Victorious, much like this baked potato I have, does not belong to me, but I still devour it hungrily.**

"Tori, this is stupid. How does this prove anything?"

She hands me the megaphone, pursing her lips, flattening them out into a thin line, her head tilting at me like some stupid dog trying to understand something. "Because I want to see what they see."

And now I'm the one tilting my head, because the girl can't seem to finish her sentences. "What's that supposed to mean?" I feel a twinge in me as the words leave my mouth, hand brushing over my pocket to feel the cylinder of lipgloss. That's Cat's catchphrase, not mine. I guess I just got used to hearing it twenty times a day.

Tori realises it too, sad smile flickering at her lips as my eyes tug down, focussed on her converse. "They love you. They both love you, Cat... Beck... and I don't get it. They're so good, and you're so..."

"Bad." I finish for her, fingers twisting on the megaphone, touching over the _ON_ switch. It's almost lunchtime... or showtime rather. Say what I will about Tori, the girl's got a good sense of theatricality.

I can feel her studying me, coffee-hued eyes crawling like ants, making my skin itch. I'm tired of people looking at me like this, like they're trying to slip under a chink in my armour, to get to the soft flesh underneath. I preferred it when they thought I was an empty suit of armour, hollow inside. At least no one pried then, no one dug at the nooks with a knife and waited to see if it would bleed. To see if they'd hit my heart. Cat made me real, she filled out the armour and made light shine out the seams, and now it's blasted wide open, as much as I try to wire it closed again.

The bell chimes, my hand twitching on the grip of the megaphone. "If I do this, you'll let me see Cat?"

Tori nods, her face serious, hands picking at the strap of her bag. "I promise."

I give her a weary smile, trying to reignite the cocky Jade, the Jade who didn't give a fuck. But it's as hollow as I used to be. "Try not to fall in love with me too, Vega."

I turn away from her, switching the megaphone on as kids pour out into the halls. _Give me something real_. Give her a fucking show, is what she meant. Strip away my snailshell and turn me into a slug. _Say what's real_. And what's real? She doesn't want real, she wants dirt. She wants to know about weak little Jade, and what she doesn't realise is that by agreeing to this, she's already got it. The old Jade wouldn't capitulate to this bullshit, the old Jade would've been able to force Tori into letting me see Cat, the same way I've forced Tori into doing other stuff. The old Jade would never have done anything Tori wanted, would never have jumped through hoops... would never have tried to see Cat. Would never have cared. But I'm tired, I'm so tired, because Cat is everywhere I go, and nowhere at the same time. Everything reminds me of her, and reminds me of what I've done to her... and what she's done to me.

The megaphone crackles as I switch it on, pressing down on the button and holding it to my lips. I see kids stop talking, turning from their friends to stare. "I'm not real." I hear Tori shift behind me, moving just into sight at the corner of my eye. "So you wanna know what's real about Jade West?" I steel myself, taking a deep breath, hand ghosting over the pocket of my pants again. I can kill Tori later, but right now, I need her. "When I was five, I used to play with Barbies. Play, not mutilate. When I was six, I melted them. I cried when I watched _The Sixth Sense_. For a while, I thought I was dead because of that. _Beauty and the Beast_ is..." I lick my lips, glancing to the side at Tori, her arms uncrossing, dark eyebrows furrowed. "Is one of my favourite movies. When I was little, I made a mistake. I hurt someone I shouldn't have hurt, someone who was my friend, and I hurt myself too." Kids are laughing and chattering, shoving each other and throwing glances at me, grins on their faces. They don't give a fuck, this is just some show they'll forget about tomorrow. Just another piece of performance art. It's Tori I'm shouting this at, it's Tori who's listening intently, trying to figure out if this _is_ just a show, just an act. Trying to see the real Jade, who her friends just can't help but inexplicably fall in love with. "When I was fifteen, I got this star tattoo." I turn my arm over, star standing out on the pale skin. "My dad said I'd never be a star, so I proved him wrong. " I let go of the button, megaphone crackling into silence. I turn to Tori, shrugging, voice soft. "And I'm a monster." I thrust the megaphone back into her hands, crossing my arms, rebuilding what I can of my shell, soldering closed what chinks I can. "Is that enough? Are you happy, Vega?"

She licks her lips, brushing a brunette tendril of hair away from her face, rings flashing. She rolls her thin shoulders like she's had cold water poured along her spine, and maybe that's my words sinking into her, lodging into the bone, because they were ice inside me, chilly and painful. "Yeah. Um... that's enough." Her eyes skitter away from me, feet shifting uncomfortably. She licks her lips again, drawing herself up straight, and her eyes are soft, colours shifting doubtfully. "Just... you really love her?"

I keep my gaze steady on her, to make it as clear as I can. "I do."

She nods, letting out a long breath, and part of me is sorry for getting her mixed up in this. Tori's the kind of person who always wants to do what's right, and in this situation, what's right and what's wrong is all twisted. She knows I've hurt Cat, and that she can't trust me, but she wants to help me too. She's torn between which friend to protect, because no matter what, one of us is going to get hurt. And maybe that's part of what I don't like about her, that she's so fucking noble, that it's so easy for her to do the right thing.

"Come to my house after school."

I grit my teeth, biting back the words that want to tell her to take me there now, to let me see Cat instantly. But I know if I do that, if I be the old, demanding Jade that she knows, she'll back out. She's unsure as it is... I don't need this little stunt to be for nothing.

I honestly don't remember how the rest of the day went. I think my hand just constantly hovered over my pocket, tracing the shape of Cat's lipgloss over and over again, stuttering over the sharp shape of the note she wrote to Tori. The note begging to keep me away from her. All I remember is my foot tapping, my eyes constantly glancing at the clock, the dull murmur of a teacher almost constant in the background. I'm close, I'm so close to seeing her again, but at the same time, it seems like forever. Every minute stretches out, and it's torture. And I wonder, not for the first time, who I've become... whether this even is the real Jade. Because this Jade needs Cat, almost pathetically so, this Jade isn't strong. Frankly, I'm so fucking sick of trying to figure out who I am, since it changes almost constantly. I'm either too mean, or too weak, too distant or too needy. Whatever I am, I fuck everything up, and the only time things were perfect were those few days with Cat, when we went to the movies, when we... when we slept together. That's the only time I felt... real. I felt stable. I'm shaking to pieces, and I never know which Jade is going to surface next. Cat was my guide, she was my balance. I had to be a certain Jade around her, _for _her. I knew what to be then, and I don't know now. I need to be something to someone, because I don't know what I am by myself.

I don't see Tori on the way to my car after the last bell chimes, shoving my books in my locker hurriedly, fingers fumbling with the lock clumsily. I take a deep breath when I climb into my car, flexing my hands on the wheel. I'm going to see Cat, and I still have no idea what I'm going to say. If I'll even be able to say anything at all. Whether my words will dry up in my mouth when I see her, or if they'll be unstoppered and come pouring out onto her. If they'll even be enough. I start my car with a long, exhaled breath, putting it into gear and pulling out of the parking lot. I just have to hope, something I've never been good at.

I make it to Tori's somehow, remembering the way by instinct, since all my mind can do is think about Cat, Cat, Cat, and what I'm gonna do, what I'm gonna say. I pull into Tori's driveway, the front door opening and Tori exiting, phone in hand. She raps on my window. "Hey, park around the corner."

Tori's more cunning than I gave her credit for. I guess she doesn't want Cat to see my car. And part of me hates that we're setting this trap for her, that I'm tricking her yet again, but I've always been better at being devious than being honest. It's the only thing I can think of to see her. I can't just wait for her to patch her shell up, for her to get over me, for the wound that I am to heal into an ugly scar. I can't let her get over me.

I nod, moving my car and walking the short distance to Tori's house. She's waiting out the front still, looking almost sick, hand tangling through her brunette hair, phone in her opposite hand. "Look, I'm gonna call Cat and go pick her up. Just... just wait in my room, okay?" She sounds tired, annoyed, and she has good reason to be. I'm putting her in a difficult position here, and as much as I usually enjoy that, it's hollow this time. She unlocks her Pearphone, dialling and putting it to her ear, forcing cheer into her voice. "Hey Cat." My ears strain themselves uselessly; I just want to hear her voice. "Did you want to sleep over at my house?" She listens intently, that furrow in her brow dragging deeper, teeth gnawing at her lower lip worriedly, and I wonder what Cat could be saying to make her look so distraught. "I'll come pick you up, okay? We can watch movies and hang out." Tori's voice is almost pleading, ingratiating, and I've never heard that soft, cautious tone from her before. "It'll be fun, I promise. I'll get lots of candy and icecream." Tori's eyes flick over to me, dark and worried, conflicted. "Okay, I'll be there soon." She hangs up with a sigh, shoulders slumping, vest hanging off her thin frame. "I hope you know how to fix her." She shakes her head, turning away from me. "Come inside, wait in my room. I shouldn't be too long."

I nod, following Tori inside. She grabs her handbag, the jingle of keys sounding, studying me again before she leaves, pulling the front door shut behind her. I don't think her parents are home. I can hear obnoxious music blasting from upstairs; probably from Trina's room. It's only obnoxious because I can hear Trina 'singing' along. I climb the stairs, focussing on them. One after the other until I reach the top, trudging along the hall until I reach Tori's room. It's such a typical room. I open the door, shutting it behind me and crossing to her bed, sitting down on the springy mattress. Her bedspread is white, striped with pastel colours, posters of bands and actors plastered across her walls. There's not a single thing about it that makes her unique, or special. She's normal, and part of me envies that. Because she's stable, she doesn't have all these things wrong with her that fuck everything up, like Cat does, like I do. Her life is easy, and maybe it's my own fault that mine isn't, and I know it's my fault that Cat's isn't. And now I've just complicated Tori's life, but I could've done a lot worse. I'd go to any lengths to see Cat again, Tori's just lucky she's a soft touch. She doesn't want to know the things I would have done to see Cat.

There's nothing to do but wait now, stomach churning, fingers tearing out tissues from the box on Tori's bedside table and shredding them nervously, little white slivers piling on her carpet. Wait and think of what I can do, how I can make Cat believe me. But my heart's beating answers I can't understand, too fast and too brief, and I'm left tearing up more and more tissues, insides twisting sickly. I'm going to see Cat, and I have no idea what to do.

**A/N: I know, I know, we're all still waiting for Cat. Rest assured, she's appearing next chapter. BUT OMG THE SUSPENSE.**

**IT'S LIKE THAT MOVIE I WATCHED ON VHS, BUT THEN THE VCR ATE IT AND I NEVER FOUND OUT THE ENDING. The suspense is still ongoing! Did the Muppets ever go to space? I DON'T KNOW. D:**

**As always, review and make me squirm a little, in a happy sort of way.**


	38. Monster

**Disclaimer: Victorious, much like a heater, or a functioning parachute, does not belong to me.**

Trina's still belting out off-key songs when I hear the front door close. I strain my ears, the remains of a tissue slipping from my fingers to join the mound on the carpet. But either they're speaking too softly to hear over Trina, or they're not talking at all, and I have no idea whether Tori's warning Cat, or if she chickened out and never picked her up. I hate not knowing things, I hate feeling nervous and uncertain. I feel like that pile of torn up tissue paper scattered over Tori's carpet; it's so easy to tear, so fragile, so easily blown away. The slightest breeze, an exhaled breath can send that ripped up pile whispering apart.

I jump at the sound of soft footsteps, my whole body thrumming like it's listening, like I'm trying to tune into some barely heard frequency, to twist and turn until it comes through loud and clear. Tori's voice is loud and muffled, and I can almost, almost hear a quiet murmur underneath that. My heart hears better than my ears, it knows it's her. And when the door opens, it freezes, it stops beating. It's Cat who opens it, and I'm guessing Tori made her walk ahead of her, so she could shepherd her in. Or stop her from getting away. Her clothes look too big for her, charcoal cardigan hanging off her shoulders, rumpled navy t-shirt underneath. Wrinkled jeans that have been slept in, dirt-encrusted converse; clothes that have been thrown on, because she couldn't stand to be naked, she was already bare enough. Cat's ruby hair is tangled, barely brushed, like her hands have twisted and clenched in it so many times they've moulded it like clay. Her eyes are dull, heavy and dark, and she walks like every step is a struggle, like she's wading through thick mud and about to give in, to fall any moment and let herself sink into the dark muck.

When she sees me, it's like a slap, her whole body stiffening, eyes welling. She turns hesitantly to Tori, innocent confusion in her eyes, voice desperate, pleading. "Tori..."

Tori's face is twisted and torn, and her words come out broken and soft, trickling out. "I'm sorry."

I stand, and the whole world spins, shakes and almost sends me stumbling. "Cat, please... just give me a chance. Just give me five minutes. Please." Cat's eyes flick between me and the door, to where Tori is the only flimsy barrier blocking her. She looks like a scared deer, too terrified to move until the car hits her, and she lodges in the bonnet, blood streaming from her broken body. And I've always been the car, always shone the bright headlights that dazed her. I reach out a hand to touch her, like maybe that can convince her, if I can just make contact with her skin, it'll remember how I used to touch it, how my lips used to whisper against it. My hands never lied to her. She flinches back before my fingers even brush her, tears spilling from her eyes as she blinks, running down her cheeks to drip off her chin, and I remember wiping so many away, thumbs stroking her face until they stirred a smile. But her lips are soft and split now, parted and panting, like they're incapable of smiling, like it's a motion her muscles have forgotten how to make. She's edging away from me, like I'm a wolf prowling around her, and she's Red Riding Hood, and inside the basket is her heart, barely beating. It gives me enough leverage to close the door, Tori's worried face disappearing, still conflicted, like she's not sure if she should put a hand out to stop me, or help pull the door shut. It's out of her hands now, anyway.

I lean against the door, Cat still backing away until she's brought up short by Tori's wall. "Cat, please."

She shakes her head, eyes scrunching closed, lashes thick and dark. She balls her hands into fists, pressing to her ears. "No. _No_." Her voice trails into a whisper, repeating the word over and over again like a mantra, like if she just wishes hard enough, she'll wake up. Like I'm a nightmare she's had a million times before.

It rips my breath apart just like the thin, tissue strips that litter the floor. Everything in me wants to go to her, to hug her and kiss her and hope that that would smooth everything over, to turn the nightmare into a sweet dream, and hope we never wake up. And I've never been more stupid than now, because I have nothing. I trusted that the words would come, like my heart would take charge, but anything I could say is dying in my throat and clawing at the walls, making my eyes prickle.

I move over to her cautiously; at least with her eyes closed she can't back away, she can't hear me over her softly whispered words, the edges bleeding together until it becomes a meaningless sound, a plea. A sob.

She shudders when I touch her shoulder tentatively. "Cat, I'm sorry."

She lowers her hands from her ears, head hanging, face obscured by rivulets of her blood-red hair. "Why?" I see her lips tremble from amidst the dangling locks, and I remember how they used to tremble against mine, turned up in a smile. "Why are you hurting me?" Her arms cross, hugging herself, like she's trying to hold herself together, when she doesn't realise I'd do it for her. I'd keep her in one piece, if she'd just let me.

I shake my head; I just want her to look at me, to see if there's still hurt there, or to see if she's started to heal. To see if I still have a chance. "I never meant to. I didn't... I didn't think this would happen."

"You didn't think I'd find out. You thought I'd be too st-stupid." She hiccups, her frame shaking, hands twisting in the material of her cardigan.

I take my hand away from her, letting it slip from her shoulder, and that's enough to get her to raise her head, to open her eyes, surprised. "You're right. I did think that in the beginning." I take a deep breath, trying to break this tightness in my chest, to kickstart my heart into beating again. "I thought you were just some overly-cheerful airhead. I thought you were too dumb to have any problems, or any thoughts." I force a chuckle out, as if it's the most ridiculous thing I've heard, as if it should be a joke that I thought she was nothing. Cat's still shaking, silent tears spilling down her cheeks, body bent like she's cradling a wound, a broken bone my fingers are plucking at, trying to extract from her like a rotten tooth. I lick my lips, eyes flicking down. "You put on a good show." I say softly, finger brushing the cylinder of lipgloss. "I'm sorry I never saw you. I'm sorry I thought all those things about you Cat. I was too busy with my own bullshit, building up my own walls. I'm sorry I used you, but I'm so glad that I did." My fingers tiptoe under her chin, tilting her face up. Her eyes skitter over my face, blurred and hurt, but I can see a spark. Her flame hasn't been blown completely out, she's not just a husk. My fingertips are wet where they touch her skin, tears gathering on them. "If I hadn't, I never would've seen you. You're beautiful, Cat. You're not stupid. What happened to you... _never_ should've happened. But you survived it, you're strong, and no one ever saw that. You hid it all so well. You were scared that everyone would go away, that you were unlovable. I know you were, because you were scared of me. I'm not going away Cat. I'm never going away. I know I keep hurting you, but I can't let you go. I... I love you."

Cat's lips tremble, taking in a shaking breath, fresh tears spilling from her eyes. "Jade-"

I can't stop myself from kissing her, from cutting her off even though they're words I need to hear. Her lips are soft and damp, the taste of salt on them. She's flooding through me, and I missed this so much, I missed kissing her, and it's only now that I realise how cold I still was, that all this time, my heart was pumping air, and my blood is just starting to flow again. Her hands tremble against my chest, curled into loose fists, and she can't help but respond, making a soft sound in her throat. And it's so much better than the dream I had at Beck's. She doesn't taste like strawberries, she doesn't fill my mouth and addle my senses. She just tastes like her, and it's faint, barely there, and she makes everything come into focus. She makes me feel real again, and my hand moves to cup her cheek, my body pressing against hers. It feels right, and I kiss her harder, Cat whimpering.

Her hands unfold, pushing against my chest, forcing me back gently, weakly, until our lips part with a quiet sound. "Cat, please. I love you." My fingertips stroke her face, her wet cheek, and I bring my lips to her again. There's desperation in it, I need her to keep kissing me, for her hands to crawl around my back and press me into her, to whisper that she loves me too, that she needs me. And it's funny that I say she makes me strong, because this feels like weakness. She has the power to hurt me now, and our roles are reversed. She can do what I did to her, and it's fair. It's only fair. Maybe if I just kiss her enough, maybe if I just keep showing her what she does to me-

She pushes me back again, lowering her head. "I can't." Cat whispers, and my hand falls from her cheek like a lead weight, dropping to my side. She shakes her head, licking her lips, eyes beseeching mine, and I can feel her breath shivering on my face, hear the tremor in her voice. "I can't."

It hurts. It's like she's stuck her hand in my chest and twisted it around, until my bones and arteries and muscles all tore loose, snapped and formed a bloody mess. "What? What can't you do?" My voice comes out with an edge, and I'm angry, and I'm scared, because this is the best I can do, and she still can't. I've sliced myself open for her, and she's acting like it's a show, that it's fake gore, that these are pig's intestines and corn syrup, that it's all fake and I'm just laughing behind my hand at her.

"I can't let you. I... I can't take it." I back away from her, Cat's hands tangling in her hair. "I can't let you lie anymore."

I shake my head. "You can't think I'm lying. Cat..."

Cat screws her eyes shut, fingers tightening in the ruby locks. "I... I don't know. I'm confused, and it hurts, Jade. It hurts so much. I... I wanna kiss you, but it hurts." A hand unthreads from her hair, hovering over her heart. "It used to feel good, but it hurts now. I don't want it to hurt. I don't want you to hurt me anymore."

My hands feel useless. They don't know where to go, where to rest, which part of myself to push back in first, because I'm falling to pieces. "I need you." And it's a plea, I'm begging her, and I don't know which of us is the stronger one right now, and which of us is more broken. Because I'm the one begging Cat to love me right now, I'm the one that's torn into pieces, and hoping she'll put me back together, and maybe what she's done to me is worse than what I did to her. I put her back together, but I didn't realise I was using pieces of myself to do it. I'm finally crumbling, and Cat's left standing.

Cat wavers where she's standing, eyes opening, hand dropping. She's fixated on the floor, lashes hiding her eyes, and I wonder how much she's actually seen of me. She's barely made eye contact, even when we were pressed together. Does she see how much of a mess I am? "I..." She licks her lips, chocolate eyes dragging up to meet mine. Is it such an effort to look at me? Does it hurt her that much? I used to be able to read her eyes so well, but either she's hiding herself from me or I've forgotten the language, because they're inscrutable to me. "I can't." She shakes her head, little movements that cut into me, that saw back and forth, gnawing into bone.

I'm paralysed, and it's like deja vu, because Cat's walking away from me again, and I still can't do anything. I still can't force myself to move. I'm just going to watch her go again. And it hurts even more than the first time. "Cat."

She stops, hand hovering over the doorknob, pressing her forehead against the painted wood of Tori's door. "I want to." Her voice is soft, barely a sigh, and her shoulders drop like she's been holding them so high, and they've finally snapped. "Jade, I want to." She lets out a held breath, and it's like she's deflating in front of me, getting smaller and smaller until her voice is barely audible. "_But I can't._"

She slips out the door, and I'm left with my feet stuck to the ground, Cat's words drilling into me, carving themselves on my bones, susurrating around me, over and over. _I want to but I can't, I want to, I want to, but I _can't.

Trina's music has stopped by now, and I can hear Tori's voice cutting through the chirping of insects, but I can't hear Cat. I don't need to. _Just take me home_. The front door opens and closes, and Tori still thinks I'm the villain, but I'm not anymore. I'm not the hero, I'm not anything. I'm not worthy of a story, and Cat's still the victim in hers. I'm just a mistake she made that keeps hanging around, that keeps haunting her. Maybe I should give up, maybe I should try to move on. Maybe I should just set my bones and pretend they were never broken, and just keep walking.

But she still wants me.

She still wants to be with me, and that has to be worth something. It's a chance, and while ever there's still a chance, I'm not letting go of her. She still wants me. I laid myself bare, and it wasn't enough. I need to shove it all back in, sew myself up, and stop being nice. I'm sick of trying to get her back, just trying, trying, trying. I'm sick of being weak for her, of moping around, so indulgent in my self-pity. I'm sick of keeping my walls down and trying so hard to be human. Fuck it, I'm a monster, and I'm sick of denying that. I'm a monster, and I want her. I _am_ getting her back, and nothing's going to stop me, not even her. She wants me, and I want her, and there's nothing simpler than that. That's all I need. As long as she still wants me, I'm not letting her go. I'd rather be a villain than be a ghost.

**A/N: I bet you guys are kinda wishing Cat didn't appear, huh?**

**Oooo, I'm just so mean. Why can't I just let them be happy? WHY AM I SUCH A JERK?**

**Is it because I ran out of cheese? Because these pants are too tight? Because I can't see the back of my head? Maybe it's all three (although seriously, what is going on at the back of my head. I know it's up to something.)?**

**You guys should review and yell at me. I really need to learn my lesson.**


	39. The Viper

**Disclaimer: Oh dear. Here we are, once again, and it's just so awkward that I cannot even begin to start to consider processing the amount of awkward it entails that- Yeah. Don't own it.**

I manage to collapse into the driver's seat of my car before I break down. My hands are shaking, clenching and unclenching on the wheel, and I take them away, try to push them into my lap and still them, but it only makes me aware of how the rest of me is shivering, jerking and twitching like I'm some marionette whose strings are being tugged here and there, made to perform a macabre dance. I press my palms into my eyes instead, stemming the tears that well there. I'm not going to cry again. I'm not. I'm done crying, I'm done being a mess. But I can't stop a sobbed breath from breaking free, ripping out of my chest and unsticking my lips. I don't want to breathe through my mouth, I don't want to remember my lips, because she's all that's on them, and I can't have her there, I can't have seeping into my lungs and getting into my bloodstream. I can't. She... she can't. She just can't.

She kissed back. I know she did. I've kissed her before and she hasn't responded, she's just let me kiss her because she's too scared, too weak to stop me, but she kissed me back, dammit. She pushed me away, but her lips didn't lie. She kissed me back. She still wants me.

I yank my hands away from my face, taking a deep breath. I shouldn't have let her leave, I shouldn't have let her run away again. She's scared, she's so scared, and so am I, because we've both hurt each other so much. She trusted me, and I lied to her, I broke her heart, and she's scared to let me pick up the pieces and put it back together. She's terrified that I'll hurt her again, and I am too, because I always, _always_ fuck everything up. My hands are too clumsy when it comes to hearts. I fuck everything up, and I get scared, and I run away. But not this time. I'm not letting her go. I'm gonna make her face me, face her fear, I'm going to force her to look at me, and see that I fucking need her as much as she needs me. I'm sick of being scared, of being weak.

My hands clench into fists, resting on the steering wheel, nails digging into my palms. Even now, I want to run to Beck, to run to Tori, and ask them to help, to ask them to fix this, because their hands seem a lot more cautious than mine. Because if I make it their responsibility, it's not my fault if it doesn't work. I've been relying on everyone else to solve my problems, and it's time I fucking dealt with them. Monsters stand alone, they don't have friends, they don't have allies, and it's a fucking lonely life to live, but there's strength in it. And what kind of monster would I be if I didn't put a damsel in distress? If I didn't kidnap the innocent victim for my own dastardly purposes? Cat's weaker than me, I know she is. I can pin her wrists, can still her body, and I doubt she'd put up much of a fight. She doesn't have the venom that I do, nor the fangs.

I bite my lip, head shaking. No, I don't like where my mind is going, this.. this isn't me. _But maybe it's what you need to be_. This isn't the girl Cat fell in love with. _Cat fell in love with a monster_.

A tear spills over when I blink, eyes focussed on my hands, knuckles strained white. I'm just tired of being scared, of being pulled every which way. Of being strong, and then being so weak. I'm just so tired of needing someone. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix this, how to fix me, to fix her. If I even can. It's just so much easier to give in to the monster. The part of me that says, _fuck it, fuck it all_, that takes what it wants, and doesn't feel a damn thing doing it. It's ruled me for so long, and it's not that I built the wall, it's that I was shoved behind it into the dark while this beast paraded in the limelight. It's so much easier not to feel. To turn it all around on Cat. To let my mind whisper things that stoke rage in my blood, that make it burn through every vein and capillary. Who does Cat think she is? How can she do this to me? I tried my best for her, and I don't do that for anyone. She should feel honoured that I... that I fucking crawled for her. That I begged her. But no, she cast it off, she pretended like it was another lie. No. I'm not just going to sit here and let her hurt me. She's not going to hurt me. I've made myself so many things for her, not least of all weak. She can't do this to me. I won't let her.

I twist the key viciously in the ignition, engine roaring to life. As soon as it happened, what did I do? I ran away too, I let Cat go. And then I fucking wallowed. I made it impossible, I made it my fault, I made it a problem I was too miserable to fix. So I ran to Beck, like I always do. But he couldn't fix it this time, he didn't want to. So I turned to Tori, like she'd have some magic spell, like she was the witch keeping Cat locked away from me and poisoning her thoughts, and all I'd have to do is see her again, and Cat would realise that I'm her knight in shining armour. I've been fucking running around this whole time, trying to be diplomatic about it, trying to give Cat time, trying to get some people to stand behind me. And has it paid off? Has being nice accomplished anything? I don't need to be liked, I need to be feared. Being nice gets you nowhere. Did it get Cat back? No, it just gave her the power, the control, made her feel strong enough to shun me.

I swipe a hand across my eyes as I turn the wheel, trying to focus on the curving road. No. Enough crying, enough feeling sorry for myself. Cat... Cat needs me, she does, she has to. No one's ever needed me. I can't... she can't take that away from me. I shake my head, sniffing. Stop it. Just stop. You're a monster, monster don't feel things. You don't need her, you just... you just want her, and that's enough. She's yours. I'm the only one that wants her, and she wants me too. I just need to make her see, I just need to... I just-

It doesn't take long to reach Cat's house, brakes squealing as I jerk to a stop at the bottom of her driveway. I yank myself out of the car, slamming the door, that rage still burning through me and obliterating everything but this purpose, this aim; I _will_ get Cat back.

I bruise my knuckles on her door, dark blue paint almost black in the fading sunlight. She's home. I know she is. Tori wouldn't have taken her anywhere else, she wouldn't have gone anywhere else. Cat's mom answers after a minute, opening the door with a confused expression on her face. "Jade honey, what are you doing here?"

"I need to see Cat." It takes an effort to not say it through gritted teeth. With what I know of Cat's mom, she's not a calming sight, and I'm too fucking angry to be polite to her right now. Not that she deserves politeness. She's broken Cat as much as I have, except she fucking meant to.

Something shifts in her grey eyes. She knows. Maybe not everything, but enough to make her wary. I don't know how much Cat has told her, or how much she's snooped around and found out. She seems like the kind of person who'd go through Cat's stuff when she's not there. She'd use the excuse of trying to keep Cat safe, when really all she cared about was dirt. Confirming that her daughter was a slut, a whore, and that she deserved to be treated like a fucking prisoner. To justify her actions to herself, that she was a good mother, just trying to protect her daughter, and it wasn't her fault she'd ended up with such a bad one. Some people were just rotten, through and through. _She'd_ done everything she could. "Cat doesn't want to see you, dear." And that 'dear' is like a blade, edged with steel and ringing so pleasantly in my ears.

"I need to see her." I repeat, nails digging into my palms, shoulders stiff and shaking.

She smiles with thin lips, deprecating, the beginning of another edged refusal on her lips, and I'm fucking sick of it. I don't need her standing in my way. We're both monsters, but I've shed my pretty skin. I don't pretend that I'm good. She's much more dangerous than I am, at least people know what I am, at least I'm not sickly sweet. At least I don't shrug with false innocence when people look at me in confusion, their teeth rotted. I'm bitter from the very start. I grit my teeth and shove past her, moving into the hall.

"Jade, she doesn't want to see you." She drops the politeness finally, trying to grab my arm. I shrug her off, almost amused by the panicked clack of her heels as she tries to keep up. She's all dressed up even though she's home. Can't even let down appearances around herself. I wonder what she sees when she looks into the mirror. She's wiped out all her memories with botox, smoothed out every laugh line, every wrinkle that told of the life she's led. She's built a wall on the outside, and tried to disguise it with a few flowers here and there. Rendered it with cement to cover every crack, every chink that could be picked at. She's spent decades on it, and I wonder if the girl hiding behind it is still there, or if she starved long ago, abandoned and neglected. I wonder if the wall's become a prison, no longer meant to keep people out, but to keep herself in.

I shrug her off again, her fake nails scraping my arm as she calls out."Haven't you hurt her enough?"

That makes me freeze in the hall, stop dead and turn. Cat's mom draws herself up, hair slightly out of place, hands fluffing it. "Me?" I say in a soft voice, eyes wide. "Have... _I_ hurt her enough?" A snort escapes me, laughter grating out of me, shivering over my ribs in a torrent. "You fucking hypocrite." I shake my head, still chuckling.

"I beg your pardon, I-"

"You're not fucking getting my pardon. Me? Have I hurt Cat enough? What about you?" The laughter dies in my chest, hardening to stone, and finally, a conduit for my rage. I finally get to let this monster out, and it's finally on someone who deserves it. "Do you think _you've_ hurt her enough? Am I stealing your thunder? Do you have any idea of what you've done to her?" And really, I don't give a fuck if her father is here too, I don't care if her brother is here, I don't care who the fuck hears me, because it's about time someone tore her parents down, and her mother seems like a damn good place to start.

"I don't know what you're talking about, but-"

I hold my hand up, cutting her off. "No. You do know. You know exactly what I'm talking about." I study her eyes thoughtfully, tilting my head, voice dropping. "How do you justify it? How do you tell yourself not to love her? How could you just watch her break and crumble, and not do anything, how could you _help_ her break? She needed you, she still needs you, and you just..." I make a sharp gesture, slashing in front of me. "Cut her off. She's your daughter. Doesn't that mean anything? You're supposed to be there for her."

Cat's mom smiles tightly, hands clasped in front of her, but I can see the whiteness around her knuckles, see the wrinkles in her face start to burst through the anaesthesia of the botox, of her wall. Maybe the girl behind that wall isn't a girl anymore. Maybe she warped, went crazy through loneliness, or maybe she was never a girl at all, maybe she was always a monster. "Cat's... special. She needs to be handled differently to-"

"She's not a fucking animal. You don't 'handle' her. You don't even care."

"_No!_ I care. I feed that girl, I take care of her!"

"'That girl'. Do you even hear yourself? You treat her like she's some pet you never wanted, but can't bring yourself to get rid of."

"Don't pretend to know my family, Jade. Don't pretend that Cat's the victim here. I've done _nothing_ but protect her, and this is how she protects me, by spreading lies? I try to help her, and-"

"She didn't say a fucking bad word about you. She didn't have to." I wrinkle my nose in distaste. "I can see it for myself. I don't know how she's turned out so good, with someone like you 'taking care' of her."

"Get out of my house. _Get out_." Her arm whips up sharply, and for a moment I think she's going to slap me, but instead her hand curls into a fist, index finger thrusting towards the door, jewellery jingling. Her perfume is sickly sweet, and it's not enough to disguise the rot underneath.

"I need to see Cat."

She shakes her head, face livid, lips pressed into a tight thin line, eyes narrowed into slits. "You are _never_ going to see my daughter. I don't know what you've done to her with your little... lesbian games, but my daughter is not gay. She is _not_."

I smile sweetly, tone pleasant. "No, she's just a slut, right?"

The crack's so loud I think it's a gunshot for a second, a thunderclap, something huge and sharp and sudden. And then my cheek starts to burn and throb, my hand rising to it incredulously. She slapped me. Wrinkles are etched deep into her face, cheeks flushed and teeth gritted. "_Get out of my house_." Spittle flecks her lips, words hissing out between her perfect teeth, fists clenched tight at her side. "I swear to God I'll call the cops." She's finally broken through that wall of composure, slithered out and struck, and I wonder how she'll put the bricks back in now that she's loose, I wonder how long it'll take her to rebuild.

My cheek is hot and throbbing, and I keep my hand to it as I leave, wondering if her bony fingers will leave an imprint. It already feels hot, and tight, and too big under my hand, like when she struck she injected some venom, and it's already starting to rot me from the inside. But it's my own fault, I should've known I was messing with a viper.

I'm not giving up. I lean against my car as I reach it, pressing my burning cheek to it's cool metal, forehead resting against a wrist, breath fogging the glass of my window. I wanted to be a monster, I thought I had to be, but what I saw in there... I don't want to be Cat's mom. I don't want to be that, to be another person in Cat's life who thinks they're doing what's best for her, even when it hurts her. I don't want to be someone who justifies evil, and calls it good. I thought I could be a monster, but I can't be that. I can't lose my soul like that, and if it means losing Cat, then... I'll have to bear it. I don't want to be a shell, I don't want to numb myself into not feeling anything. I don't want to 'protect' Cat, or 'save' her. I just want to be with her, walls down. There's no point to being with her if I'm a monster; I'd never be happy, and neither would she.

I let out a sigh, closing my eyes.

"Is your cheek okay?"

I jump, spinning around, and for a second I think Cat's mom slapped me so hard she gave me a concussion, and I'm passed out somewhere hallucinating. It's Cat, shifting on her feet uneasily, eyebrows tugged up and teeth gnawing her lower lip nervously.

"I brought you some ice." She holds a hand out, a tea towel wrapped bundle in it. I take it from her tentatively, still disbelieving.

"Thanks." I wince when I bring it to my stinging cheek, the tea towel chilly and damp. "Won't your mom..." I jerk my head towards her house, trailing off.

She shakes her head, ruby hair flying. "I snuck out. She doesn't check on me." She steps closer, eyes cast towards the ground. "Jade... what you did..." Her fingers twist over each other nervously, hovering in front of her stomach, tugging down the faded navy of her shirt.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for you to hear that. I... I shouldn't have said that stuff about your mom." I'm not sorry, I'd say it a dozen times over, but I know Cat still loves her, still doesn't see a problem in the way that she treats her. I _am_ sorry that she heard. That she saw the monster in me, finally.

"No." She shakes her head, looking up, chocolate eyes wide and dark. "No one's ever... no one's ever stood up for me like that."

I shrug, a smile turning up the corners of my lips. "I'm sorry I waited so long."

Cat smiles back, and already my cheek hurts less, and I think it's more because of Cat than the numbing properties of the ice. Her eyes dart down again, hands coming unstuck. "Can we drive somewhere? And just... you know, talk?"

I let my eyes run over her, thumb hooked in my jeans pocket, just touching the lipgloss. "I thought it hurt to be around me."

She winces, and I regret even saying it. I just... I'm not a good person. Maybe her mom infected me after all, because a little part of me wanted to hurt her. Because she hurt me so much at Tori's, and I don't even know if she realises. "It does. But it can feel good too."

I lick my lips, uncomfortable under her injured gaze. This is a chance that's being held out to me. The last thing I need to do is push her hand away because I'm too stubborn to take it. "Sure. We can go somewhere."

**A/N: So this didn't turn out anything like I thought it would, and frankly, I blame my transplanted hand from a serial killer. It has a mind of it's own. I don't even know why I thought it'd be a good idea. I mean, my hand was fine, it didn't even need a transplant. I was just bored, and there was that serial killer, and he had a nice hand, so I thought, _eh, why not, harmless fun_, right?**

**But no, there was harm. 0-0**

**I tried painting my house, but all it did was strangle me, and now there are streaks all over my walls and my trachea is crushed. All in all, I give it a thumbs down, or... I would, if I wasn't too busy choking.**

**Please review, so I can get that nice tennis player's hand instead.**


	40. Worth Anything

**Disclaimer: Victorious. I was not victorious in acquiring it.**

I glance over at Cat, switching off the ignition, car ticking into silence. "Did you tell your mom about..."

Cat gives her head a little shake, licking her lips. "No. I don't know how she knew."

I shake my head too, for an entirely different reason. "Do you have a diary?"

Cat glances over. "Mhm, but... oh." Her eyes sink back to her lap, hands clasping each other as she realises.

We're on the outskirts of Hollywood, one of those scenic viewing points that are scattered around to monopolise on the giant sign, as if we're too dumb to remember where we are. It's the equivalent of writing your name on your chair, just so you can say it's yours. Cat's been silent the whole way here, looking out the window like she's half thinking of jumping, like I'm some stranger who lured her into my van, and she's starting to realise that maybe I don't have candy.

She's silent for a moment, fingers plucking at her seatbelt, jumping when I reach over and release it. She looks over at me, hands stilling, red velvet hair framing her face, and her skin seems so pale, her glow seems so muted, or maybe it's just that her clothes are so plain today, so faded. They make her hair look even more vibrant, even more violent. They make her lips seem even pinker, or maybe it's just because I can't look away from them. I watch as she shapes her soft words, and maybe if her lips were different, they wouldn't come out so innocent, so naïve. Maybe if her mouth was wide like Tori's they'd come out brash and crude like hers do. "Jade... what did you wanna be when you grew up?"

My eyebrows furrow down, shoulders shrugging. "I don't know. Same thing as I want to be now, I guess. A director, an actor. What did you want to be?"

Cat smiles sweetly, gazing out the windshield, her eyes lighter than I've seen them in a long time. She giggles. "I wanted to be a cat. I used to crawl around on all fours and meow. I drank milk out of a saucer." Her smile fades, eyes averting back to her lap, voice losing its sunshine, like she's passed into a tunnel, and the light at the end is so faint, barely a pinprick. "I kind of still do want to be one. Cats don't need anybody. They're just happy by themselves. They don't get hurt by..." She glances over at me. "By people."

I take the tea towel away from my face, twisting the damp material and looking down at it. My face is numb now, anyhow. "Cat, I'm sorry." I almost jump when I feel her fingers on my cheek, palm cupping it.

"You're okay?"

I give a little nod, staring at her, and she smiles, fingers slipping away. "Cat, what I did was... it was wrong. I knew it from the start, but... by the time I... I knew that I wasn't pretending with you anymore..." I lick my lips, and it's impossible to look at her. Our roles have been reversed yet again, because I can feel her studying me, just like I studied her at Tori's, except now I'm the one who can't meet her gaze. "I just didn't want to fuck things up."

"But you did." Cat's voice is quiet, simple, and it's enough to make me raise my eyes, to look into her own wide, brown ones.

"I just wanna fix this, Cat. Please." And I don't even care about the note of pleading, of desperation in my voice. I don't care about how I look anymore. I just... my walls are down, further than they've ever been. The only other time was... was when I said I loved her, that first time. She broke them down then, as well.

Her mouth twists, eyes tearing away from mine, hair slipping free from behind her shoulder to shield her face. "It's not that easy. I... I want to, I do. But..."

"But you can't." I say softly, sighing. Maybe that venom's finally reached my heart, because it feels dead in my chest, not even a weak throb pulsing through me. Or maybe it's my hope that's died; maybe I'm finally giving up on her. "Cat, I just... I just want you. I need you. I don't think you realise how much." I laugh breathlessly. "It scares me." I look up at her, shaking my head. "I'm terrified of you."

Her eyebrows turn up, eyes widening, lashes thick and dark. A hand brushes her hair forward nervously, lower lip wedging in her teeth. "How can I trust you? I'm scared too, Jade. You... it hurts so much, even more than before." The coffee of her eyes is diluted by tears, shimmering. She's like a windup toy that's overwound, walking around in limping circles, broken but unable to stop, and I just want to put my hand out, to pick her up, to keep her safe. But I'm scared she'll spring apart as soon as I touch her, explode into a mess of gears too complex for me to put back together.

My head hangs, a hand raised to my forehead, the stud in my eyebrow hard against my fingers. "I know it does. But maybe it's a good thing."

Cat makes a soft noise, but whether it's of protest or surprise I don't know.

"Maybe it's good that you can still feel that, that you can still be hurt."

Cat's voice is barely above a whisper, hoarse and pleading. "I just want it to stop."

My heart lurches painfully in my chest, like her words are a defibrillator jolting me, sending my stuttering heart pumping frantically, squeezing blood through too-small veins. "Relationships aren't supposed to be easy, Cat. Maybe they are for some people, but not for us. I'm a monster, and you're... you're..."

"Broken." She finishes, hand brushing a lock of ruby hair back behind her ear. She looks over at me, the last glow of sunlight touching on her face, running gold-edged fingers along the planes of her face, and I wonder how there was ever a time that I didn't see her. "You're not a monster, Jade. Not to me."

My heart gives another painful thud. "I just act like one." I dig at a spot on the black leather of my seat nervously. "Cat, it's not gonna be easy. I know that. You may not ever trust me again, you might always be waiting for me to hurt you again, and I can't promise that I won't. But I'm not going to stop trying for you. I don't want to wake up and not be able to see you; I don't want to spend a day without you. You make me feel like I'm the hero, for once in my life. You make me feel like... like me. I can't lose that. I can't lose you." I lick my lips, trying to force a smile, trying to shrug it off, like this is a little joke, like these words don't cost me anything, and maybe I'm sabotaging myself, trying to pretend that they're nothing, but it hurts to say them. It hurts to lay myself bare, to strip down to my bones right before Cat's very eyes. My voice is threadbare, scraping out. "I don't know who I am without you."

I glance over at Cat, and she's smiling too, lips trembling, and maybe it's costing her just as much to hear this, maybe it's hurting her just as much being torn between the safety of loneliness, and the temptation of love. "You're Jade." She gives a little nod, like she can convince me, and she still says my name like it's some wonderful, shining thing. "You don't need me." She shakes her head, coffee-coloured eyes rimmed with red, disbelieving. "I'm just Cat."

"I need just Cat."

She licks her lips, eyes shining again, a breath shuddering out, and when her gaze flicks over to me, it's like another slap. But her hand stays there afterwards, soothes the sting. "This is what hurts." She chokes out, a delicate hand raising to her chest, pastel nail polish chipped and neglected, twisting the navy blue material of her shirt, tugging at it like she wishes she could just tear her heart out and be done with it. "You say... you say these things, and then when they're not true it hurts so much. I hate when... when I start to believe you, and then I remember, and I can't... I can't do it. I can't keep remembering."

I shake my head, a hand reaching out to her, touching her forearm, and for once she doesn't flinch. If anything, it seems to calm her. "Cat, I never lied about those things. They are true. I'll say them as many times as they need to be said. Until you believe them. I am _not_ going anywhere Cat." It starts to make sense. Cat was so willing to crawl, from the moment I started dating her. She was so willing to put up with anything I did, so ready to forgive, as long as I'd at least pretend to want her. It wasn't until she started to think that maybe I wasn't pretending... maybe I really did want her that she got so scared. And maybe her crawling was her version of a wall. If she made herself worthless from the start, she couldn't be sad when she got treated that way. There was a time when she would've forgiven me for what I did in a heartbeat, because it was exactly what she thought she deserved, exactly what she expected. She would've let me fuck her from the very start. But what scared her was that I didn't... when the time came, I made love to her. She'd just started to trust me, like an abused puppy that finally stops cowering when you raise your hand, and starts wagging its tail. And I'd hit her.

"Jade..." I can hear the conflict in her voice, that little edge of hope that she still has left, that little voice that whispers, _what if she means it, what if she loves you?_, and I hope to God that it's enough, that it's strong enough, and loud enough to get her to at least give me a chance. "I'm so scared." We moved too fast before, both of us. Our hearts got in the way of our heads, and raced in, too brash, too loud, and maybe I can understand it in Cat, but it never should've happened with me. I should know better than anyone how easy it is to fuck things up. Funny thing is, I even realised I was moving too fast. I let my head take over again, I let my brain rein me back, let it scheme how to keep her, how to stop her finding out, and maybe that was my problem all along, that I let my heart decide, but never let it speak.

I'm giving it its chance now. "Be brave, Cat. I know you're scared, I am too, but what if things work out? What if we could be great together?" It feels like I'm saying every unoriginal thing in the book, but it's all I can think of, it's all I feel. It's as basic as I can be, because I know she wouldn't believe a grandiose declaration. She knows too much of me. I'd be acting. I finally understand all those stupid romantic movies, why they all have the same lines; because there's nothing else you can say, there's nothing else more important you can think of, and you say the same thing over and over again, trying to express how big it is, how much it makes you feel. But they're only tiny words, and they only describe a fraction, and I wish I could just show her everything that's in my heart, all this swirling in my brain. I wish she could just understand me, and I wish I could understand her, but that's not how people work. You can never really know how someone else is feeling. It's too easy to hide with skin, and words, and smiles, and lies. And it's too hard to tell the fake from the genuine.

She lets out a long breath, head bowing. "Jade... can I just kiss you?"

I lick my lips, giving a slight nod, and silently tell my heart to be quiet; I can barely hear her over its thundering.

"Just... don't move." Her eyes flick over my face, brows drawn together uncertainly. And then she's leaning over, hand on the edge of my seat, fingertips brushing my jeans. I don't move a muscle, but for my eyes flickering closed when Cat's lips brush mine. And it's the most chaste kiss we've had, so light, so tentative, and I have to fight my urge to lean into her, to cup her face and capture her lips more forcefully. Just don't move. If kissing Cat is like a long drink after being in the desert, then this is just a sip, just a taste, just enough to make me realise how thirsty I still am, and I don't think I could ever slake my thirst for her. I'm still addicted, and I'm not about to go to rehab anytime soon. I ball my hands into fists, keeping them trembling against me, because they're far too tempted to touch her, to run over her and rediscover all the places they'd forgotten, to uncover all the bones they've marked out before. But most of all, my heart thuds in my chest, like it's finally found its rhythm, like it's been broken without hers, and now it's finally whole again. It's been a bird without wings, that's finally found a reason to sing.

She pulls back, breath shaking, short and shallow. And I ask the words I've feared, the ones that trembled on my tongue and buzzed through my lips to her. "Does it hurt?"

She nods, and my heart stops tweeting, becomes aware of the gilded bars of its cage again as it watches her soar away. A soft smile touches her face, her shoulders relaxing. "But maybe it's a good thing that it does."

It might not be a shouted declaration of love, but it's more than I expected, and it's far more than I deserve, and my heart is treating it the same as if it was. I know it's going to be a struggle; I'm going to have to work twice as hard to get her trust back, and it's a scar that'll never fully disappear, but I'll run my thumb over it and tell her it's beautiful, that it marks how strong we are, even when we're weak and shaking. Her hand finds mine, and there's so much more left to say, so much more that needs to be said, but it's enough for now. It's enough to sit here for just a little while, my heart beating as hard as if this were the first time holding her hand, as if it's the first hand I've ever held before, and it means everything that she's letting me, that her fingers fill the spaces between mine so perfectly. And I get why people come to spots like this, the Hollywood sign glaring in the distance, lit up as the sky darkens. It feels like we're the only two people in the world, like we're above everything, and the whole world looks better with her in it. This is why I kept fighting, why I kept trying, because she makes my heart hurt from beating so hard to please her. I tore down my walls to let her in, and now we're sitting on the rubble, breeze caressing our faces, and my only regret is that I took so long to do it, that I let myself think I had to be a monster to survive. Because no one chooses to be a monster, no one wants to be the bad guy. It's a forced decision, an illusion, a survival mechanism, and one that I don't need any more. I can finally be the hero. I can have a shot at my happily ever after. I'm not stupid, nothing is guaranteed, and we're both so fragile. But right now, it doesn't seem so hard. Right now, it seems like anything would be worth this. If I could go back, to the moment that I saw Cat in the bathroom, and made that decision to use her... I'd do it all again. I'd make that choice every time if I knew it was going to turn out like this.

I'm still Jade, and she's still Cat, and we couldn't be further apart, we couldn't be more unsuitable, we couldn't have less of a chance at happiness if we tried. But there's still a chance, and I'm not letting her hand go. I'm never letting her go.

**A/N: Please review. Love is hard.**


	41. Epilogue

**Disclaimer: Victorious does indeed belong to me... in an alternate universe. v_v**

It's not easy being with Cat. I wasn't stupid enough to think it would be. I know it's not easy to be with me either. She's like an abused animal, cowering and scared, and I've got my hand stretched out to her, voice soothing, promising her safety, promising her love. And she slowly, slowly approaches, sniffs at the back of my hand, lets me pet her before skittering back. But she stays a little longer each time, and I can see the day where she won't run away at all. And she'll always be a little wary, she'll still flinch when I raise my hand, but it'll be a reflex, quickly forgotten. Something she can't help, that doesn't mean a thing. A scar that twinges, and nothing more.

Those first few days were grey, were awkward. We'd gone so far in such a short time, too far. A long rush followed by a sudden stop, and we were still trying to clear our heads from the crash. She'd take my hand tentatively, and let it go at the slightest movement. When I kissed her, it was slow, cautious, and her hands stayed against my shoulders, always ready to push me back. She was keeping herself apart, and maybe it was for the best. She needed time to heal, and so did I. I'd taken the slightest flickers of my heart before, and ramped them out of control, because it was the first time I'd felt anything, since I'd felt a stirring in there at all. I'd been waking up slowly, and I'd jolted myself out of it, instead of letting it happen naturally.

It's hard to start again. There's a lot of the past in the way. You think just because you did things before, you can do them now. You forget that things are different. I can't say I love her anymore. It makes her freeze, makes her shy away and stammer awkward things. I don't know if it's just because she doesn't believe me, or if she doesn't love me anymore, but can't bring herself to say so. I'm hoping time'll fix that. It's supposed to heal all wounds, and this is a gaping one. Part of me likes this... doing things properly, honestly. I'm not pretending like I was never bad, like I never hurt her, I see that in her eyes every day. But it makes me feel good when I see it fade a little more each day. I'm getting to do all the things you're supposed to do when you start dating someone. It's... normal, and it's something Cat's never had; a normal relationship. I've even taken her out to dinner. Sure it was just pizza, but hey, we both like pizza.

Tori still watches me like I'm some snake, writhing in Cat's hand, getting ready to twist my flat head round and bite her, and I can still feel Beck's eyes on me, on us. He's trying hard, but there's always a slight hesitance in his step before he comes over, still a gap between his actions and his emotions. I have to hope that time'll fix those too. But really, I couldn't give a fuck. I want Beck to be happy, sure, but he's not my priority anymore. And I've pretty much told Tori she can get fucked if she tries to poison Cat's mind. She's the snake to me, not that I'd _really_ think she'd do something like that. She wouldn't be that stupid, or that mean. But I'd be lying if I said I was all high and mighty and benevolent and ever so sweet. No. I'm still me, and I still get jealous as hell. I've accepted the monster in me, but I'll never show it to her, I'll never let it control me again. Venom's in my blood, but it's not always a poison. They make antivenom out of snake venom, after all. It's good in small doses. When I was with Beck, he was a balance, but with Cat, we're both out of control, we both tip over the edge so easily, and we're barely strong enough to pull ourselves back. It's a lot of effort to be with her, to keep us together, but it's a good thing, to try for something you love. To have to fight for it, and I have to believe it'll pay off. That if we can't fix the cracks in each other, we can at least cover as many with our hands, our lips, our skin, as we can.

Sometimes, it's not so hard. Like this afternoon. Sometimes, I can forget about trying, and just relax with her. I can be the best part of myself, I can make myself vulnerable. Talking. It's how we spend most of our time when we're alone, filling the silence with words about anything, about ourselves, or... in Cat's case, fluffy, cute, sweet things. And if it was anyone else but her, I'd hate it. Hell, I used to, and I'm not gonna lie, I don't listen to everything she says. But I watch her, I listen to her tone, and I hear a lot more than I used to. But this afternoon, the talking stutters to a stop. We're both lying back on my bed, hard music playing softly, and I'm watching a spider dance it's way across my ceiling in quick bursts. It takes me a minute to notice that Cat's soft voice has stopped, and I look over. Silence with Cat is usually not a good thing. When she gets lost in her thoughts, it's hard to find her again.

"Hey. What's wrong?" I turn on my side towards her, reaching a hand out to stroke her violent hair. I've always liked that shade of red, for my own morbid reasons.

She shifts onto her side, a little furrow in her brow, eyes shadowed by her lowered lashes. She shakes her head a little, and I take my hand away. "Nothing."

"Cat..." I raise my eyebrows at her sceptically.

She looks at me, chocolate eyes wide, that furrow disappearing. "No, I mean... nothing. Nothing is wrong, Jade." A soft smile spreads across her lips. "Nothing's wrong."

And I don't know what to say to that. If I can even say something. All I can do is match my smile to hers, and realise again how everything was worth this. Cat leans over, licking her lips, and this too, was worth everything. If nothing else, I want to feed my addiction, and kissing her is an awful lot like a drug. For a while, I was forced to quit, and it made me realise how much I needed it. It's controlled now, our kisses stay short, sweet. Chaste, even, and while my mind appreciates why, my body is less understanding. Still, I've always been into the good kind of pain.

Cat pulls back with a quiet sigh, fingers tracing their way down my arm to find my hand. "I know I'm not easy to be with. And you're trying so hard. But it's not working. I don't want this." It's like a slap, harder and crueller than the one her mother gave me. Everything is wrong. It snaps my neck and paralyses me, and my tongue is trying to form the words of protest, to even just squeak out a _no_, a _stop_. Cat's eyes move from where they're studying our hands, her fingers playing with mine, to lock onto my face, coffee coloured eyes sombre. "I want to be like we were Jade. Being careful is no fun. I want it to hurt a little. I want it to be like that movie we saw. I want to be scared. I want you to be you, not half. I like your claws. Remember? You said they were sharper than everyone else's."

"Y-you remember that?" My tongue is clumsy, mangling the words, ripped out of rhythm by my heart. I'm listening to her more than I ever have, because the words are incredibly important, but they're streaming right by me, and I'm desperately trying to grab at them and pull them into order.

She nods. "Mhm. They're sharper, but you don't use them on me. You're like a kitty now." She brings her hand up, curling her fist into a paw. "You pull your claws back, and you're not Jade. Your words are all sliced and grey, and they're nice, they are, but they're not you. You're holding yourself back. I want... I want _you_. Everything. It's okay if you scratch me sometimes, I'll heal. I... I want it to be like it was."

I know this is a good thing. I'm sure it is, but it's terrifying. But the whole point of being with Cat was that I'd finally stopped holding myself back, hiding my feelings. And, stupidly enough, that's what I've been doing, because I've been so scared to lose them. I've been holding it close to myself, and coddling it, not... I've been playing it safe again. And while that's fine, that's probably what normal people do, we're not normal. We're shattered messes, we're not supposed to keep things safe. We're chaos, and we were never supposed to have a normal relationship. It's nice, it's predictable, but it's not us. I'm not nice, and Cat's not predictable. But I'm so scared to fuck this up again. I want it to be like it was too, and maybe she's right. Maybe I have to be a little bit more like I was, and not tread so carefully.

My lips find Cat's easily. I'm pretty sure I could find them in pitch black darkness by now. My hand slides onto that curve in her waist, just before it becomes her hips, resting in that little hollow so perfectly, like it was made for my hand to fit. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about... about the first time we had sex. I think about it a lot. Usually at night, when I can... act on it. And despite how everything ended up, I don't regret it. I don't think Cat does either. We moved fast, but it only made it better. We're not supposed to creep. We're the relationship equivalent of streaking; dangerous, stupid, risky, but fun. Memorable. The kind of relationship we had only ends two ways; it crashes and burns, or it soars. But since we got back together, I've been too scared to even take it off the ground. I have to at least try, to loosen my restraints and hope that if it feels wrong, I can pull back, and chain my hands to my side once again.

Cat's lips taste like pineapple lipgloss, and she smells like some soft, girly perfume with a name that's an adjective, but underneath everything, I can taste her, I can smell _her_. She's what makes my head swim. Her lips are so soft, so yielding, and she makes a soft sound in the back of her throat when I shift closer, lean into her more. But her tongue meets mine with just as much passion, her hands are the first to creep onto my breasts, even as I push her onto her back, straddle her. Part of me hopes she can feel how hard my heart is racing, how hard it is for me to take a full breath. I can feel her heart speed giddily against my lips when I touch them to her throat, I can hear how her breath shudders, feel it feather my face, and it feels so good to feed my addiction. To take my fill of her, and breathe her into my lungs, my veins. This is what this started as; raw, animal attraction. Wanting Cat before I even wanted her. Before I ever felt anything for her, there was this, every time we kissed. Like two magnets snapping together. Every time I got close to her, I was fighting it. It's something I've never really experienced with anyone else, this loss of control. It's dangerous, but it's beautiful.

Somehow, my hand's already crawling underneath her top, skating over the smooth, hot skin and feeling Cat's muscles shiver with her uneven breath. I stop over the lacy material of her bra, breaking my lips away from hers. "Are... are you okay?"

Cat's nervous. I can feel it in the way her breath is short, too short, the way her eyes skitter over me and her lips tremble, but she nods. She wants to be scared. And it's not that I'm brave, that I'm not nervous; it's just it's so hard to think around her. She overwhelms me, and makes it impossible to be scared, and even if I was, I'd be hard pressed to stop. Not when she feels so... not when she's... she's Cat. It's impossible to describe why everything she does makes me... makes me so much myself and not at the same time. It's just Cat.

I kiss my way along her jawline, finding my way back to her lips, and she shuts her eyes tight, breath catching, hand tangling in my hair. My fingers trace along the cup of her bra, lace tickling my palm, drawing the contours before they slip underneath to touch her directly, to feel that hot, soft flesh that rises and falls with her breaths. I can feel her nipple hardening under my palm, and I move to brush my thumb over it, Cat jerking, my name slicing out of her lips, cut in pieces by her teeth. I wonder for a moment if I'm dreaming, if Cat's soft voice lulled me to sleep, and this is just some pent up fantasy that seems super real. I'm not sure whether I'd prefer that or not. No, actually, I'd much prefer if it were real. I always forget my dreams.

"Hey." Cat's voice is soft, a little huskier than normal, her fingertips tilting my chin up, eyes scanning me. "Is something wrong?"

My fingers twitch from where they've stilled in their caresses, the elastic of Cat's bra marking the back of my hand. Now she's the one asking me. Our roles always feel like they're reversing, like we're never stable, but at least that means we can always be what we need each other to be. "Are you sure?"

Cat smiles softly, long, dark lashes shading her eyes. "It's you."

Cat can talk for ten minutes and never say a thing, but she's said a wealth in just those two words. And my heart hears it so much better than my head does; it's almost painful, the way it lunges, knocking the breath out of my lungs. I'm all shaken to pieces around her. I can't stop my fingers from trembling as I slip them out of her top, skating down over her stomach. A skirt. Why is it always a skirt? It makes it so easy to... to touch her, and I shudder as my fingers creep along her inner thigh, pushing her skirt up. Cat's breath catches in her throat, and I press my lips to her throbbing pulse, feeling her swallow hard, lips parted. If I could I'd make it like the first time. I'd hold off and make it perfect, not some rushed, quiet thing done before my parents get home. But I know how good it is, how good it feels, and it's been far too long. I've lost control, but Cat's there to catch me, to reassure me. I still find it incredible that I can make her feel this way. She's my favourite instrument to play. I stroke over Cat's panties, feeling the heat radiate from underneath the damp cotton, and, as always, it feels so much better than memory.

Cat lets out a soft moan as I rub over the material, her hands hard on my waist, and that sound... it always freezes me, always stuns me. It's so vulnerable, and just... just so... goddamn hot. It drives me crazy, makes me impatient, makes me want to strive to bring more forth, and I know that if I rub harder, if I rub faster, they'll come pouring out of her. But I keep my strokes light, keep her twitching and shivering against me, and it's as much an exercise in control as it is to tease her. Only problem is; it's teasing me as well, and I've never been a patient person. Some part of me is telling me to slow down, to make sure she's still okay with all this, to make sure _I _am, but that part is small, and drowned out by Cat's breathy moans.

There's still enough doubt left in me to hesitate at the top of her panties, fingers dipping just under the waistband, barely touching her, and I think again of asking her if it's okay, if she's sure. That is, until she looks at me, her pupils huge and dark, cheeks flushed and lips shining. All it takes is one word, "Please." and the last vestige of control is ripped from me. And then I'm touching her directly, fingertips growing hot and wet with her, and Cat's hands are gripping me so hard, fingers flexing. Just the way she reacts, the way her skin flushes and her hips move underneath me, the way her muscles shiver and her lips part... it stirs something hot and visceral in me. She cuts to the very core of me, strips it bare and strokes it with a velvet touch. And honestly, I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do or not, but I'm starting to learn that maybe that doesn't matter. Maybe I shouldn't be overthinking everything, and wondering if it's wrong, or if it's too soon. Maybe if it happens, if we both want it, then it's enough. Maybe I'm not supposed to be sure with her, to always know what to do. If I get too comfortable with her, maybe it means the excitement is gone, the passion... I sink into a rut like I did with Beck. I should be uncertain.

Cat's breath grows thick, heavy, her hips moving up against me, and my fingers rub her harder, hand shaking, lips trembling against her neck, feathering it with short breaths. Right now, in this moment, I'm not thinking. She consumes me, I'm filled with nothing but her, in this one moment. It chases everything else away, and her soft, ragged pants drown out anything that tries to pry it's way into my head. Cat's hand finds my cheek, fingertips under my chin, tilting my head to hers, and she meets my lips with her own quivering ones. And somehow, that kiss means so much. It's soft, and shuddering, and broken, but she wanted to kiss me. She broke through the building pleasure in her to do so, and even now she's starting to tense, a muffled moan escaping from where her teeth are sunk into her lower lip. I flick my fingers in short, quick strokes, trying to tip her over the edge, to make her breath burst free from her, carrying my name on it. Cat's back arches off the bed, hips pushing into me, but it's a soft sound she makes, that melts my heart, like her voice is a flame flickering across my ribs, lapping at me. When she says my name, it's steady, it's a statement, it's not a nameless question begging me for something. It's just... _Jade_. And if I try hard enough, I can almost hear what she wants to say after it. What she's scared to say, because last time she did, it tore her apart. But for now, it's enough. It's enough to know that there the words are still there, because I was so scared she didn't love me anymore. Even if this was a mistake, what we just did, even if it was too soon, at least I know now. At least I know I'm not trying for nothing. And the day when she says those words again; they'll mean everything.

I'll wait forever to hear them.

**A/N: Voila, le final chapter!**

**I realise things aren't wrapped in a neat little bundle, but... life never is. It's confusing, and messy, and I've tried to replicate it even to the smallest degree.**

**And now that this... mammoth fic is over, well and truly, I do hope that you'll review, even if it's just to pet me on the head and say, "That'll do pig, that'll do."**

**Then I'll use mice to sing the passage of time; _Three Weeks Later_~**

**I got sidetracked... please review ^_^**


End file.
